Will I ever feel really good again?

[Kat63]

I’m scared. I’ve been unemployed for 7 weeks, still looking for a job. I’m moving in with my bf next week, and all my insecurities are acting up. He said he loves me and he’s willing for us to try again, but what if he only said that to appease me? What if he doesn’t really mean it?

The logical side of me says he would not say those things, would not agree to have me come back and us to try again, if he wasn’t really willing to try. After all, it’s a big upheaval for him, too, to have me move back in. Why would he put himself through the hassles of having me around if he didn’t think it was at least worth a try?

[hypercat54]

Hi life is full of what if's and the truth of it is if we don't try we don't know. Be guided by your feelings and if it feels right for you then go ahead. It might work out brilliantly but then again it might not. If it doesn't then you can part again. It's not the end of the world is it? You can always move out again and go your own way if the worst happens. x

[Kat63 in reply to hypercat54]

I guess. But it would feel like the end of the world.

But I know if I don’t reach out to him and make the effort, do my part to try to mend this relationship, I will regret it the rest of my life. I don’t think I will ever love anybody again.

[Hope_less]

Hopefully he's sincere about wanting to mend your relationship but you won't ever know until you give it a try. Really hoping things work out for you.

[Kat63 in reply to Hope_less]

I guess even if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be able to feel like I did make the effort and did what I could to mend our relationship. We’ve known each other 17 years. We lived together very happily for 10 years; then we had some problems and I moved out. That was 4 years ago, but we never really broke up and never really stopped seeing each other. For the past year, I have been making an effort to fix my own side of the street. I just feel like we had something great, a lot of happy years together, and I can’t just let the love of my life go without making a real try to get it right this time.

[Hope_less in reply to Kat63]

I completely understand. Wishing you the best of luck.

[teemo1]

I fully understand wanting to be certain that the situation you're in will work out well. I've been there, and I still find myself going there. But I also know that it's best to let go of this desire for certainty, and instead learn to get good at uncertainty. This article explains it better than I can:

zenhabits.net/uncertainty/

[Kat63 in reply to teemo1]

I know you’re right. It’s just hard to live with uncertainty.

[marheart]

Concentrate on yourself and express gratitude for what you do have. Every little bit helps.

There must be a cure for our anxiety/panic. Meds and talk therapy don't do enough to help me. Let's keep working on suggestions.

[Strebbs]

Hi buddy,

I would agree that you should try taking what he says at face value. We can never completely “know” what someone is about to do, any more than we ever know what’s going to happen. If he says he is, and he’s a trustworthy person, he probably means it.

I’m in a similar situation with my girlfriend right now. When we first met, I spent the better part of the first year riddled with anxiety, obsessive doubts all across the board (about me, about her) not to mention freaking out and trying to break up with her several times. We don’t live together yet - I still live with my parents. I’m unemployed, just like you. I left my last job ages ago due to panic attacks, and I’m still scared to try getting a new one right now. And recently my girlfriend has brought up the thought of her getting her own place (she makes enough money now) and inviting me to move in with her, if I want to.

This thought fills be with such conflicting emotions, and bottom line I think I feel that it’s shameful, dishonest and that I’m worthless as I am right now, so I can’t allow myself to move in with her and get away from my toxic family because I’m not doing in “on my own terms”. That I’m not independent enough and I’ll just be a lazy burden on her, like many guys have in the last. A part of me also doubts her judgement or her commitment (despite how many times she’s shown me she’s trustworthy as hell and also thinks I’m worth it). Clearly, your boyfriend thinks you’re worth it - and it’s not a matter of “in spite of”, you just are.

In the end, I think we all need to trust ourselves more. You are in charge of your own recovery, your bf can’t “fix” you, and it doesn’t sound like he’s expecting to, or expecting you to expect him to. That’s a positive thought. Also, you are allowed to let him love you, to lean on him, since it sounds like he clearly cares for you and wants you to be okay.

Sometimes the brain just screams as loud as it can for escape, for isolation. And it usually comes disguised as a dozen or more worries or obsessions that seem at least somewhat reasonable enough to listen to. Bottom line - chase what makes you happy. There is no “right” or “wrong” choose here, no matter how it tears you up, so do whatever you feel is best. You are quite capable of living with this boy, trying your best to work on your relationship and let him love you, while also pursuing your own recovery

[Kat63 in reply to Strebbs]

Thank you so much. I needed to hear that.

[Strebbs in reply to Kat63]

Oh, for sure, you're welcome! I'm really glad!!!

[Hidden in reply to Strebbs]

good reply

[Strebbs in reply to Hidden]

Thanks buddy, that's really nice of you