Or maybe I am. This is my only venue where I can empty my thoughts so Thank You to anyone who reads it. I’ve had a long history of depression and anxiety but now I’ve been diagnosed as being on the bipolar spectrum and am on a mood stabilizer. Yea, another pill to take. Some days I feel better; some I do not. I’m really tired of dealing with my mental health. I’m tired of talking about it, tired of living with it, tired of hearing about it.
I’m in a job I don’t like, but I didn’t like my last one either. It was hard to like when I worked 625 overtime hours between February and December. There are parts of my current job that were always on my career radar that I’ve now gotten to do. I’m a paralegal and now I’m a litigation paralegal meaning I go to trials. I’ve always loved the law. I’m talking from LA Law to CSI and NCIS and the Lincoln Lawyer. But what I’d really LOVE to do is get in my car, drive away, and disappear, be a nobody in a town where no one wants anything from, feels the need to talk to me like I’m 5, or try to drag me or my career reputation down. I’m typically down enough, thank you very much. I don’t need help with that.
I’m 7 years from retirement. I’m not sure I have 7 hours or days in me so that many years is daunting. Today, I honestly could sit in complete silence for hours and do/think nothing. That frustrates my husband. He does try. I readily give him that. Still………
They’ve opened a ketamine clinic (run by MDs) and I’ve wondered about it. Like every drug out there, it promises to “fix” my darkness. After this many years, it seems gullible to listen to that kind of promise….again.
I’m tired. I’m done. I hear there’s so much more to life. I’m not so sure. I think I’m as good as it gets, and that sucks.
Written by
GrayGoose66
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I don’t think you are the only one. I just joined this platform today and some of my thoughts, I share with you. I am currently in a job that I have wanted and dreamed of but it also stresses me out. I too want to self isolate to the middle of nowhere where nothing is wanted or needed from me. But at the same time I want love and help and support and to be with my family. I have 2 years left on my contract before I can make a decision if I want to continue with my job or not. At the end of two years I get to move in with my girlfriend who I so dearly love. 2 years seems like a long time but I want to make it. The thought of the unknown and waiting with my anxiety and depression is scary.
Hi -thank you for putting this out here. I think it might be time to have a serious conversation with your doctor to have tine off (FMLA?) to get some help. You’ve been gong hard and strong in a demanding profession that some time off to obtain help would be a real help. To keep going on without a break and assistance is unfair to you. I hope you will consider. Sending much internet care and support your way.
I do sympathise. I think that the fact that you see retirement in the not too far off future may be making the time drag, and it all seem harder for you. I totally understand about getting in your car and getting away from it all! I've actually done that (being suicidal, running away from home, going missing from my job and life) - but none of those helped, mainly because I had to change myself and how I coped with my problems and the scary world in general. This site is wonderful for being able to share things that we couldn't anywhere else, especially as everyone has felt the same at some point. Good luck!
I fully understand your disgust with this illness. I’ve been dealing with it for 30+ years. Had it under control until 3 yrs. ago. Sold my house of 41 years that I now regret. Was taking care of my mother for last two years until she passed and the anxiety and depression showed its ugly face. Saw several psychiatrist several therapist and was on so many different meds I lost count. Finally was hospitalized this past winter for 7 weeks because my anxiety and depression got so bad! Came out and was much better than when I went in. But after about a month had a relapse. Seeing a new psychiatrist and now on 3 different meds which work to some degree but still feel the anxiety and sadness and wondering when is this going to get better. I’m tired dealing with not fully enjoying my life like I used too. It’s heartbreaking and until you experience it people and family sometime don’t get it. Wish all the best and I completely understand where you are coming from. If you need to talk I’m here.
Just to make you laugh a little i thought of the liquor when i saw your name. lol
just trying to lighten up a mood that i know can only last for seconds. i wish i knew how or had answers for you to help you but im in the same boat. Not as accomplished as you by no means but the being able to sit and not think of anything or just letting thoughts wonder is what I long for so many times.
the constant little voices both from me and my husband that reiterates how incompetent i am is something i would love to silence.
why is it that people only see the negative in you and not the fact that dealing with all this mental health is what is causing paralysis, depression , slothness (made up word by me) and so much more. Instead you’re just seen as someone who doesn’t give the most minimal crap.
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I can’t do this anymore! 
I can’t take much more
Can’t do this today :’(
Can’t stand it 
