I am searching for Roddy, the old Roddy who was always full of fun and humour, I am just a distant memory of my old self, the old self who could take the world in its stride whatever the setbacks i could always pull through,
Now i am a useless wreck, nervous and scared of damn well everything.
As a child I was very lonely, timid, shy and isolated, until in later life my world changed when i met by chance my partner David, he turned my life around and i lived the life i always wished for, we had a beautiful life, and its now since his passing that i realised i was not always nice and grateful for the life he gave me, and that guilt is eating away at me, day after day. I feel unworthy and selfish.
I have always worked hard and if David was here now he would acknowledge the work i did for the betterment of both of us.
There are things which happened in my childhood which have clouded my very being, things i cannot even talk about.
So, to cut things short, I own a lovely home but have enormous responsibilities which was very manageable when there were two of us, but frankly, i'm not coping, i have tried for almost 5 years alone., i have done my best.
My late mother was wonderful, I lost my little dog Billy who was my constant for 12 long years, then I lost my David who suffered with Vascular Dementia, who i nursed at home for 5 long years. I now feel completely spent and hopeless with nowhere to go.
I look around this house and only see what is no longer here, the mental pain is unimaginable.
My life has turned full circle and i am back to being that scared little boy.
Will I ever find Roddy again?😢
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secrets22
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It's so good that you have released all of this. Maybe that's the beginning of your journey to find Roddy again.
You found love with David, that tells you that you are worthy. I'm sorry for your loss and I know there are no words to ease that pain even after 5 years.
We have the memories, and we know they would want us to move on..... these are words that are supposed to comfort us but can be very hard to absorb.
David and Billy taught you things about Roddy. Try and find the lessons there.
Without upsetting you, do you think it might be time to make some changes? You may need to take little Roddy by the hand and show him that your adult self is now capable of caring for him and he can feel safe with your support.
We all make mistakes, we all take things for granted, work on forgiving yourself. You did the best you could and it sounds to me like there were more happy times than bad ones.
My life came full circle when I moved up east last year and looking back the move was long overdue and was a good thing as I wasn't happy at the old flat!
Paradoxically the world didn't end when I moved and it's like a new world has opened up for me and things for me have changed for the better as well!
Today I have dared to have gone out to west Cardiff and for a carvery lunch at a carvery place up west which I really enjoyed and stopped in Canton early on at a pub to do job applications which I am happy to say are done and so my conscience was clear for the rest of the day and a visit to Victoria Park and the western cemetery and then to the carvery pub!
Paradoxically since I moved I do a lot more than I did trapped in the other place and I'm looking forward to a visit to lido ponty on Friday!
How are you and the dogs getting on?
Baby is great and still getting spoilt!
When I found out I was moving east it felt like the world had ended but no it hasn't my quality of life is a lot better now as there's no stupid people on my back asking about future plans just to criticise and be malicious!
There's still the traditional working class houses there but quite a few apartment complexes have sprung up there.
The Cowbridge Road East hasn't changed much and the Brutons bakery is still there and the Laura's greengrocer shop which I popped into before doing job applications to see if they had white turnips but no they hadn't but it wasn't the end of the world as I ended up having vegetable soup from the cupboard for this evenings dinner instead which I enjoyed!
I have lots of frozen casserole veg in the freezer as well so it wasn't like I was desperate for that veg!
Back last year just after I moved in I got accused of not paying the rent when yes I had both in full and on time and had proof in writing that yes I had on my bank statement and I got ever so upset and had gone to the greengrocers to get some swede for dinner but they hadn't got any and I had felt really cross!
To explain looking back it wasn't not getting the swede in itself that upset me no it was to do with getting accused of supposedly not paying the rent that did and when that happened it was the final blow!
When I had calmed down I rang them up and I demanded I get it in writing that yes the rent had been paid both in full and on time and how that kind of behaviour hadn't been warranted!
I did get it in writing and received an apology as well!
Some people don't know how to speak to people in a polite and professional manner that they would wish for themselves and don't realise how things can hurt!
I have had no problems since then after I laid the law down!
Good news as next week I have some job interviews one on Monday at 4pm, one on Thursday at 10am and one on Friday at 12noon but none this week so taking advantage and treating myself to some days out!
Just because I haven't got a job does not mean I don't deserve things like days out!
Hey my friend Turnipgirl.........yes, you have done extremely well, and overcoming bumps in the highway teaches us many things. The word 'dare' is something i must master, to get out more, even if on my own. My little dogs Yonnie and Diva are keeping well and i owe them a lot and i'm sure your cat Baby gives you so much in return.🥰
Baby meows when she sees us thinking she is going to get fed!My friends all tell me I have come to terms with lots of things since I moved up here and said I was right to have walked out of that scabby care home when I was shouted at that Friday evening when it wasn't warranted and that I deserve better!
By accident I was done a favour when that happened as I was stopped from doing those ridiculous 12 hour shifts and those aggravating phone calls on days off asking me to come in when another member of staff hasn't turned up!
Next time a job is offered and they won't let me take time to consider I will say thanks but no thanks and let it go like I did when I received a 10 hour a week offer from a place and was misled so I turned it down and feel it was the right decision!
One day an offer will be made that I can't refuse and will be right for me!
I am so sorry for your loss secrets, and the suffering you are going through. I think that Roddy is still there, just as the scared Roddy you feel you are back to being is more present now. The Roddy that felt they could take the world in stride is still there too, it just sounds like you will need to support yourself to get back to it. It is understandable that you are struggling now with so much support gone.
I am sorry that you feel maybe you didn't appreciate the life with David while you had it, I think we are all probably that way with many things. I don't think it is too late to live with gratitude in your heart either and remember that part of life. Sorry this is all rambling, but I believe you can find that fun and full of humor Roddy☮️
Hi Roddy, I’m so sorry you are feeling so low, I lost my Mum to vascular dementia it’s a horrible disease, we lost our dog the same year so it seemed everything ended, lucky we still have each other , I don’t know how I’d manage on my own.
Do you believe in Stoicism , I’ve been reading up on this and finding it so helpful in coping with life in general, more or less it says that we can face whatever comes our way , here is a little quote which I hope will help you a little, do read up on it , it’s helped me a lot ,x
Your post is heart felt and I wish I could offer you some words of comfort.
I can see how much you are suffering from losing David. He sounded a wonderful partner who brought out the best in you through his love.
You were also a wonderful partner who cared for him at the end of his life. Having worked with people who had dementia I know how difficult and devastating this can be.
No small matter and cannot be underestimated.
Like the other posters I reckon that old Roddy is still there, but bogged down with grief, sadness and having to deal with the responsibilities on your own.
What I have found has helped me with grief is the passing of time after my father died back in 2021.
Just after he died when the wound was raw it was a case of heaven help anyone who dared to upset me and I would lash out at the smallest of things but now time has passed by I don't and have accepted it but it takes a while to accept so take your time.
The great thing about counselling is it's nice and private and you can say anything you want in the room and it stays in the room which isn't guaranteed with a good friend!
I can’t add to what most have said. great patience and understanding go a long way in our relationships with others and with ourselves. remember by an inch it’s a cinch by the yard it is hard. chip away and rediscover Roddy everyday just a little bit, no looking for him to shake free from his hiding place. he’s there, inside you reminding you he’s there right now. that’s beautiful.
I believe our past trauma often causes us to take the good for granted and question ourselves. You found love with David and Billy and took care of both of them. So you are loving and caring. Now there have been many changes in your life and you question yourself. You will find Roddy again. This Roddy may be a bit different than the past but we all change. Trying to carry on when you feel overwhelmed tells me you are stronger than you may realize.
Does the house have special meaning for you? I think you may be rattling around in a place too big and with too many memories, good and bad.
I had this when I was widowed, 33 years ago, but there were far more bad memories than good ones. Trying to bring up 2 children solo, in a house with bad memories is crushing. Once the kids were out of school I decided to sell the house. My daughter (Daddie's girl) was very much against it, but I just couldn't afford to stay there any longer and it was getting dilapidated. I sold at a loss, but I found another house which suited me and my son (Daughter was by then married).
Some years later I was looking for another place, somewhere without stairs and with a shower. My son had just left college, somebody was spreading vicious rumours about me and my late husband, and I was having difficulty walking.
So, again I sold at a loss and moved to (technically) a different country, and a cute little 3 bed bungalow. It's almost perfect. Just got the kitchen to replace and the flooring, and it should be ideal. OK, the weather is iffy on the Atlantic coast, we are getting alternate days of baking sunshine and storms and gales. The supermarket is in the valley, not too far to walk with my rollator, but need to rest a couple of times coming back with a load on. My son is officially my carer, (he's coming to grips with a diabetes type 2 diagnosis, so he's having a bit of a tough time too.
I still have memories, but now I'm away from the Town and the House,they don't loom so large in my consciousness and I can concentrate of re-finding Me. I'm nearly there. I have things which remind me of the better times, and the others I either left behind or I got rid of.
Were you an only child, Roddy? Or the youngest? I was an only child, and I never fitted in with the regular crowd at school. No stamina for sports which involved running around (Undiagnosed Asthmatic), but with a bow and arrows I was good.
Just thought I would let you know that I have been where you are, and how I got out of it. I hope it helps you somewhat.
hello Midori thank you for your excellent reply, it is food for thought. I am not especially tied to the house emotionally, but it produces part of my income, I dont think it would upset me much to leave. I am the youngest child of 3 , but that's a whole can of worms if i went into detail. l will enlarge on it when i am stronger.
You do know you don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to?
I remember at school when I had got my first boyfriend and some of the girls were being horrible and I had told the form teacher what was going on and he had told me you don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to!
Back last year my mother was put out after I said I has moved up here as it was a done deal and there was nothing she could have done about it as I hadn't discussed it with her first!
Point is I don't have to tell anyone anything if I don't want to!
You always ware your heart on your sleeve, and I think as we get older those things that have been part of our lives leaves impressions's upon us, some are happy memories and others break our hearts, there's many layers to people and often we seek advice or comfort, and I think giving empathy and kindness to folk on the forum we'll probably never meet is so important, I've tried my best in giving truthful honest advice, or reaching out to new members that find certain things a struggle. I think how our lives are mapped out in the beginning are a big factor on how this affects our make up as a person and who we meet, everyone has had different circumstances, and trying to find a connection is quite a task, I had to laugh at myself recently, I was in Turkey and looking over the hotel balcony I saw a tortoise 🐢 going
" full" speed across the road, and I thought how on earth do these creatures ever get to mate, out in the middle of nowhere, imagine running around the block and still not meeting up with your partner for a life long relationship, and yes these creatures live for a flipping long time, and by the time you've found your partner your to old enjoy life, yes I witter on, we try and not to look at the past, but even on our older age there's still a future 😀
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Moving On
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Miss my old self
