How bad things are. TW

[Against_the_current]

That if i told mom i want to unalive myself, she would say "me too". If i tell her i was shot, she would say she was shot twice...five times....while having an axe in her head... Where did she learn to be such a fvcking bitch?I came home because i have hard time feeding myself and now she said she's tired of cooking and broke. I came home because i was lonely. She told me i can rest for a month and i declined the job to recover and now she's again at her "you don't do anything sh"t". I didn't have breakfast because i thought we would eat toghether and she thought i was waiting for her to cook because im too LAZY to make myself cereal. I told her i just wanted to keep her company. She discarded it. Nobody has broken my heart more than this woman. I've become my dad. She's the demon of wrath and envy and she eats your soul out, tortures you till you lose sanity and your soul and become corrupted like her. My summer is not summer. No pool. No shopping. No donners. No trips. And the only trip was Spain at the beginning of September. She said she doesn't want me to go there and start vomiting from anxiety and ruining it for her. Am i 5? And she's the reason im vomiting from anxiety. Grandma also called me and asked me if i still want to go or i would go to the UK to my cousins. I said nobody invited me to the UK. I really hate when mom and her mom make decisions on behalf of my dad's side of the family. And expect me to execute them. She has 500$ for each one of us for the trip. Wondering if i should take the money and let them go to Spain without me. I honestly think grandma would be the one to get sick and to have anxiety and hysterical outbreaks but noo blaming me because i have no money. They told me i can have one month and not work. They told me im not allowed to work in a shop with master's degree. They made me mentally disabled. What they deserve now is my su1cide. I told my sister my card's pin because i want her to inherit all I have. She already spent some money but did nothing to calm me. And then said "ask mom to give you back the loan"(because i gave her a loan before declaring i wanted her to inherit them. I'm still alive and i need them for therapy because this damn psychologist taxes me like we're inCanada) while sis has taken the child support from dad and is keeping it. How would mom give me back the money sis spent? I'm so sorry but survival is killing me. Stupid poverty

[Alpakka123]

You should call emergency if you want to harm yourself.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

They won't do anything in this country

[hypercat54]

Your mum is working very hard to help support you and your sister. Why don't you take over the cooking and housework and give her a break?

It will keep you occupied and give you less time to overthink.

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

Because I don't have what to cook with. I can't just spawn products like Jesus

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

Cook with what your mum uses? Or does she spawn products?

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

She keeps the money in her card that she brings with herself

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

Ah so there is no food in the house and she buys it on the way home from work? Is that what you are saying?

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

Yes. Only alchol in the fridge. I'm scared to even look

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

What's to stop you saying to her 'Sit down mum you look exhausted' then you cook the meal and make her a cup of tea as well?

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

I make her tea. She never drinks it

[Alpakka123]

You say "She already spent some money but did nothing to calm me". Is she supposed to calm you? Is that her job? If you wait for others to calm you down/make you feel better, then I'm afraid you'll be waiting for a long time. I totally get looking to outsiders to make me feel better, so this is something that I've had to learn too (and still am learning to this day, tbh). Albeit getting less frequent, I still sometimes look to outsiders for confirmation that my own thoughts and feelings are okay to have (in other words , that I am an okay person). People keep telling me that I am giving ALL my power to outsiders by doing this. And I know this logically. But I'm also learning that it's not enough to just know it logically. I have to BELIEVE it.

For me it's scary and lonely to realize that, when it comes down to it, I alone am the one who can make me feel better about myself. Sure outsiders can try and help, but I need to be the one to incorporate their advice into my own defense system. I am the one who needs to do the work to help myself.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

I was abandoned as a baby and now it's my inner child trying to survive. If i don't get attention the evolutional part un my brain tells me im going to not survive

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

Your parents abandoned you as a baby? Were you adopted and your parents aren't your birth ones?

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

No, they are my biological parents. Just left me in a distant village in the heart of postcommunism to a hysterical -anxious grandma with a stroke and an alcoholic grandpa (may he rest in peace). And they had to take care of my cousin too but his parents were in the next floor. They're just weird

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

Damn, you made me realise and worry that maybe this constant competition for attention and care with my cousin might need some therapy sessions, lotta tears and lotta money. Mom even calls him my brother. He has a baby and im its aunt even though im not his sister

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

I think I understand this, so thanks for explaining (referring to your last sentence).🙏If I may, can I say my experience and see if it resonates with you? Like I said, I think I understand, so let me just try something here:

Growing up, I somehow got it into my head that my dad thought he could treat me as he wanted because I'm too handicapped to feel with the same emotions as others. Because of this, I now have as part of my defense system a want to keep telling others when something happens to me that's especially traumatic. I've realized I do this because the person I'm really trying to get through to is my dad that I got hurt, and it HURT to get hurt! In other words, I tell him through others that I bleed too. And if I was really hurt (like with the abuse), I can bite back if someone hints at me moving on. It's not them I'm biting back at, but my dad. I remember talking to dad via my therapist (I was in a therapy session), saying "I'm a fcking human too!"

What do you think? Might you be doing this too?

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

I dream about talking to my dad via my therapist telling him this. But i can't. He's handicapped to feel with the same emotions as others himself. I relate. Tho i hurt mostly myself and wait for him to care. Especially when he's a vet and he used to be really concerned about my health when i was young and always sick

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

"...and wait for him to care". YES!! I wait for my abuser to care when she used to be so loving and caring. You are grieving the relationship you had with your dad. You want the old dad back. Just like with all kinds of grief, this takes time.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

I want my mom and dad and sis back

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

Of course you do. Have you told them this? I don't know if it would help, but it might.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

How to tell them? I can't tell mom to stop drinking and take care of me, dad to divorce his wife and remarry mom and sis to give me attention. I lost everything

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

You can try telling them what you told me (but go into greater detail). You miss the old them. You miss the way things were. You have every right to tell them how you feel. If you don't want to face your dad for example, write him a letter. Sometimes I (for one) express myself better in writing.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

Me too but they will get defensive and are emotionally unavailable

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

This might be why a letter would be best. One to your dad and one to your mom. It's up to you, of course.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

Need to be in a better state. Rn im tired and i feel like fighting them both

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

I understand. Whatever is best for you. It's your decision.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

They will both give up on me, get mad and defensive and stop my finds if they read what i think of them

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

You don't have to write what you think of them, but just how you're feeling these days.