I've wrestled with anxiety (Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, phobias) and depression for much of my life. At times it wasn't as intense and was manageable, or at least maskable. At this stage in my life it is really affecting me. I have issues with appetite, lost weight, have trouble sleeping, feel constantly on edge and unable to relax, I'm quick to get very anxious over relatively moderate problems, feel like something awful is coming, and have a doom-and-gloom outlook on life. It's horrible.
I work, but it is a struggle. A part of the problem with work is that I'm struggling to keep up (technology change, organizational change) and don't believe in myself. I don't have the confidence and am sensitive about my skill gaps. I'm also very isolated, in part because I tend to withdraw, but also because I work hybrid (at home and in office). The company had a return to office mandate, and I'm back in a building I've worked in for years but there are very few people around. Part of me doesn't want people around because of my anxiety and imposture syndrome, but also it is very lonely and isolating.
I wonder if I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I haven't specifically been diagnosed with that, but it sounds very much like me. I've tended to have limited social relationships in my life. I've had some friendships (but generally kept people at a safe distance), and even somehow managed to get married. At this stage in life I don't really have any friends. I mainly have my family.
I'm worried about losing it all. I'm struggling at work, don't feel like I can perform and make a meaningful contribution, I'm struggling to keep up, and wouldn't be competitive in the job market. I'm also scared of even thinking about getting a new job. In part due to my intense social anxiety and generalized anxiety, but also because I don't believe in myself and am stagnant in my skills.
When I get withdrawn from my anxiety and depression issues, it triggers my wife understandably. She feels I'm closed off, and I don't want to be but that is how I respond when I'm overwhelmed. It has turned into fights, because of me being closed off and also she doesn't understand my worrying and negative thinking.
I know that I'm a worrier and plagued by negative thinking, but I also have some real struggles that I don't know how to navigate or overcome. I feel so stuck, vulnerable, anxious, defeated, and depressed. It is affecting my ability to sleep, focus, and function well in life. I have trouble really focusing on much of anything other than my misery. I've wake up at night worrying about some problem (sometimes work related, sometimes life related) that I can't seem to solve. One night I woke up in a panic convinced all my worse fears were coming true. I've developed this doom-and-goom outlook on life where I fear the worst-case scenarios are going to play out.
I wish I could overcome this negativity. I wish that I could sleep well at night. I wish that I had more confidence and competence at work. I wish that I didn't struggle with the financial worries, marital issues, health concerns, and sense of isolation. I feel like my life is unraveling. I have a family to support, but I'm barely functional these days in all areas of life. This isn't sustainable.
I'm on medication (lamotragine to try to address mood and anxiety, and another med to help me sleep) and started up therapy recently. I'm not sure if these things are going to really help me. I've done every self-help thing you can think of. I'm at a point where I feel so stuck, so helpless, and so screwed. I need to be able to sleep, I need to be able to work, and I need to be able to upskill and deal with life.
I know everyone has a different story in life, but mine has turned into a sad one. I've had my ups and downs in life, but am realizing that I really didn't do the things I needed to in order to really grow, overcome the social anxiety and generalized anxiety. The depression comes from feeling defeated, down on myself, and low self esteem. I have limited myself so much in life due to fear and anxiety, and now I feel like I'm stuck, on a dead-end, and helpless. I feel so alone and isolated.