Excuse me for posting again but it helps but I'm really overwhelmed in the trap of anxiety and as im alone now - my ex isn't there anymore to be a 24/7 therapist and some events happened that's normal to grieve. I was going to go by the lake for an event at 8pm. But i had acids and i felt really hungry and ate at 7pm. This made my stomach feel heavy and i couldn't digest (since that break up, accommodation problems, home problems, i have trouble eating and sleeping) and i had fallen asleep at 7pm. I now wake up at midnight and panic because i missed going to the lake. But tbh i couldn't make it to the lake. It's on the other side of the city. I was going to invite dad because he lives there, glad i didn't. Because i just couldn't get up after i ate and i have slept 3 hours. I always fall asleep during my favourite show in the afternoon because that's the only time im calmed and i was on my laptop. I senced mom taking it away so i don't break it. We can't eat or sleep when in danger. Basic human needs are cut from the trauma .I woke up and panicked. My sister had returned from a birthday (wish i had someone to invite me too, would boost my mental health. Wish i had someone to invite to my birthday in August). She said "it's late, rest". Probably like "it's late, I'm tired, don't seek support from me" but i remembered how it's"like u have a cold, give yourself some time when you don't feel well mentally too" and remembered that rn im in a "mental stroke" like my therapist called my ex rejecting me like my parents. He had messaged "i don't think it's solveable". All day and yesterday hasn't messaged and now just "i don't think it's solveable". I don't have experience. I'm shooting in the dark. I know nothing about relationships. Im blaming myself that he saw me in a dating app and sealed moving on but i was on this app to find friends because im in dire need of friends. I have nobody to invite to my birthday in August. And i told him this (without the August part, i should have, at least to pity me if not believing me. I was at an online support group and they suggested that app for friends. I should have said that too. I feel so bad. My stomach is burning. And he's here for two months. Not too short, not too much. Enough to cause me an ulcer. I'm stressing so much over everything. I thought maybe i need new meds but getting through the abstinence and getting on new pills (that aren't guaranteed to help me) would make it worse. I messaged a swiss psychiatric nurse that i can't stop crying, she said it's normal with these life changes. I'm grieving school life that i never had. Youth i never. Love that i never had. I'm a neurotic just like my parents, and every breath that i take is overthinked. And from overthinking i di mistakes. Some guy from here also messaged me (to help me, not romantically, he's married), he's pretending to be a big deal in the city politics, but things just ain't right around him. And even if they weren't so shady, i have no energy, i just woke up st midnight, panicking with burning stomach and ghosting all my social media which consists him, my ex and random strangers God knows for what reason in my dms. I can't answer. Why does he only text in the worst moment. When i woke up at 6pm and mom was home from work and i had 0 alone time and had to deal with ex and mom while sleepy and unwell and blaming myself for my sleeping pattern. To my dad or whoever outside it's nothing but inside me it's hell - grieving, rejected, new chapter of life, feeling like a failure and scared because living with mom but as we talked about it i have an issue with loneliness and i can't pay for a comfy appartment or take care of it. Today mom told me to clean the floor. I did. It was really nice and fresh when we opened the windows. I help with chores. But i think getting a job and a separate place in my state might be too much now. Wish i could get some help. Like some psychological ER. I don't want to spend a time and money i don't have just to tell my story again and get to know eachother. I'm too burnt to organise it myself. First things first so i don't get overwhelmed. Rest, cool down, boundaries and self-care. As mom's asleep and i can't turn on the tv (memories of when my sister was born and aghhh screw my degree, I'm not "helping myself" but overanalyzing how everything is a trauma, im gonna eat my diploma once they give it to me but knowing their temp, i would have a PhD till then if i had money, energy and energy to stay in that city. I finished master's and a month before it they gave me my bachelor's diploma (that i haven't eaten because my stomach is upset)). Maybe once they're gone - my accommodation and my ex, maybe i will go back to normal and start having normal fullfilment of basic human needs to survive. Rn im sick. What should i reply? I'm disregulated. I hate how doctors be like "seek psychiatrist", the psychiatrist is "seek therapist", the therapist is "seek doctor". I hate the burocracy. This big deal guy won't stop "i tried to help you but you don't cooperate". Well, you're unclear and acting out of my knowledge. Also i can't even maintain my sleep schedule leave alone legal actions that i think will only get me in trouble. He's from the type of people that bulgarians tell you to never trust. I just got forced by a neighbour to know him. Ah this whole post probably makes zero sence or exposes me but it's from my survival tool-kit to post here. I'm hanging by a thread. Next i will try to take something for my stomach and watch something funny or listen to music about mental health, feel free to send ideas. I still love the song SororRose showed me. Anyway enough embarassing myself. Tho i know you understand and im really grateful
Edit : hope i haven't missed to reply or like im just in a funk rn, please don't be mad. I appreciate every single message. Means the world to me. Especially when im basically all alone in real life
