Hi folks,
I'm a 41 year old man living in the United Kingdom. I suffer from anxiety constantly and I suffer from depression sporadically. I was sacked from my job a year ago because I was off sick with anxiety and could no longer converse with my manager (the cause of the anxiety).
I have OCD and I was recently diagnosed with inattention ADHD. The specialist noted some autistic traits and quirks too, so I will need to get that one assessed too - I'm having to go privately, as the National Health Service did not believe I had ADHD.
I always get hit with depression in the summer because when I was 11 my friend was run over on his bike and killed during the summer. My Parents never took me for counselling and I found by the summer when I was 15 I became suicidal. I was being gaslighted and mentally bullied at school by my so called friends who were spreading false rumours about me and my Parents were going through major marital issues which included my Dad yelling at me that he didn't believe I was his son (I definitely am though, plus he claims to no longer remember that incident).
Anyway, I booked in to see my Doctor when I was 15 and I went to him, told him how I was feeling and he literally laughed in my face. He told me to cheer up because life wasn't that bad and that was it. I was begging and pleading for help. I needed someone to speak to desperately and he just fobbed me off like I was looking for attention. I walked out the practice, got the bus to the city, bought paracetamol from various chemists, went home, ate loads of sweets, went to the alcohol cabinet (my Parents rarely drank) and washed down 13 tablets with Malibu. I then went to bed and passed out.
When my Parents came home from their work, they disturbed me and I woke up. I felt really bizarre and eventually admitted to them what I had done. My Mum was in tears, but my Dad was raging with me, literally livid. I think he hit me. They never took me to hospital and we didn't speak about it again, as they were embarrassed by it. I was a tall kid and the amount I took didn't have the desired result. I did regret it though, but I also did try several more methods over the years.
This brings me to the present. I have been in a relationship for 6.5 years and I've lived permanently with my girlfriend for over a year. We do not seem to be getting along. She works in the medical profession, but is very cold and uncaring. I'm very empathetic. She resents that I'm not working, she resents I don't pay bills in the house (it's her house, but I contribute to buying shopping). She seems to hate my Parents and she seems to have a continuous, fluctuating mood. She drives dangerously and she likes to try and wind people up on the road because she wants a fight. Her Mum died suddenly last year, but she didn't really grieve, as she lacks emotion and she hated her Mum. She had her antidepressants doubled and I think that's contributing to her erratic moods.
I have tried to be there for her as support, but she's like a closed book. I try to be her rock, but she won't talk to me unless it's to put me down or criticise how I was raised. I have zero self esteem and self confidence and the two of us are just not happy together. She wants to have kids, as do I, but our relationship is loveless and she hates me. She doesn't seem to get that I have ADHD, OCD and potentially autism, which I'm trying to come to terms with.
I just don't know what to do, as my ultra low mood and suicidal thoughts are creeping back in and although I get them sporadically throughout the year, it's the summer months that worry me most. My Parents want me to move back in with them. I literally have no joy, happiness or contentment from anything anymore. The only thing keeping me going are my pets.
I don't have anyone to speak to other than my Parents, but they now hate her so much that I can't get an impartial view from them, as they see how miserable she's made me and how miserable we are together. Any friends I have are more like acquaintances than real friends. Plus the closest friend I have is too wrapped up in himself, his new wife and their young daughter to even remember when we first met or that I currently don't have a job! I kid you not! I'm just very isolated and I want someone to speak to. Any suggestions?
We were out at the shops today and I caught my reflection in one of the freezer doors at the supermarket and all I could see was my downward mouth. I just look so miserable, because I am. She hardly speaks to me and neither her, not her family have any respect for me, which is because I am so lacking in confidence. I fear that if we split up, I'll never find someone else, as it was a struggle to find this relationship. I fear with the ADHD that when the honeymoon aspect is over, it all goes pear shaped. She's the first girl I've lived with full time.
Apologies for the long post.
Trigger Warning!: Suicide (thoughts)
No coffee no suicidal thoughts
How to deal with suicidal thoughts 
Fighting suicidal thoughts,sinking in depression 
