I'm agonising

[Against_the_current]

Sorry if im replying rude, im just losing it. For years. I deserve a safe and healthy place to live. How to work to earn it when I have to have it to be able to work. I'm freaking agonising and my parents will never understand or understand their part. Im in a dead end. I'm hopeless. I just want to end it. Ahhffdfbugvvuugv holy sh1t. I can't even scream. Im so done. I hate this place but i hate mom at home. I had one day at home alone, it was heaven. The only benefit of being here is mom not abusing me but she managed to do it. It's a bad place but im not in a condition to find better. I'm going insane. And i just keep pushing. This hell has no end. How am i not completely insane till now?! I'm agonising. I'm agonising. Please ease me. My soul is ripped and open bleeding. But it's invincible. Therapists just mess me more. I can't find where to live. I would end myself if it wasn't painful so i keep agonising for years. I just realised time has passed and it's not 2020. But it feels like it. Heeeeeelp. Freaking help 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And the worst part is that rn i want to cry for mom. I need her to hug me. I have nobody, all i have is on the internet

[PuzzleArt]

If finding a new place depends on money you don't have, then it will take time. I am also in a place only because I can afford it, but the manager breaks laws. I have to get physically stronger in order to move, and can only try to avoid the manager, as much as possible, until then. I think you have mentioned that some family members are blaming you! That might be why you are blaming yourself, and overly critical of yourself. Usually ( my opinion) we have learned early in life that if we take the blame, it makes someone else happier. But it is only temporary, because what we are doing is "enabling" other people's worst behavior. The best way to help others in your family is to have boundaries based on what you feel is healthy. I think you feel you have spent too much time, and it is flying by and wasted. But everything teaches us what to do better the next time. No one is perfect! That is the truth. If some are trying to pretend they are more perfect than you are, and you are not allowed to make any mistakes which they are making also ( but are in denial of) you can't really change them. I think that you have received some replies here about others having mental anguish also. It is not impossible for you to conquer the worst of these problems, and then get some hope to go on. I don't feel you really want to give up! That is a good thing.

[SoporRose in reply to PuzzleArt]

PuzzelArt,

I am sorry for your suffering as well! I think your words about AtC are true. I hope you both find ways out of your situations.

[Against_the_current in reply to PuzzleArt]

I feel you. I dread the landlord. My dink is broken and the whole bathroom is in mold. Mom violates my boundaries (physically as we live in the same room and mentally and when taking decisions and when I don't want to listen to her drunk yapping). She blames me for everything. If you ask her, she would blame me for the Global warming. Dad is same. Since a kid I've been stepped on and if i speak up, im hit with "you're spoilt, we could traumatize you more, see, that other kid is cleaning/working". Now i dread doing basic chores and dread getting a job. I'm crying writing this

[SoporRose]

I think you are right about how your soul is invincible! I think that is true. I don't know what else to tell you that will ease your pain except what I always tell you: I believe in you.