Are Lectures to Someone Always Effective?

[FightingTurtle12]

So my mom always lecture me and scold me due to my situation. I’m still living with her and she is still paying some of my bills. I’m grateful for that. I understand her frustration and I won’t comment back on it.

I have a question. Are lecturer to someone in a scolding and angered way effective to get their message to the other person?

Every time she does it to me, I do HEAR her message but I’m always blocked out in my emotion. I want to cry and not be on earth anymore every time she does it.

I also feel like that my mental health worsens because of her. Or maybe strengthening my emotional control. IDK.

She’s very caring. But very critical and her method of trying to help me is not helping me.

I feel like it’s doing more harm than help.

[blackcat64013]

Hi Fighting Turtle,You pose a great question

Lectures should be replaced with questions. Examples are:

+ what do you need,

+ how can I help or

+ can you tell me about...?

If you reverse engineer the statements your reply or opening statements might be

I need ..., I would like to ask you for ...., I need to talk to you about ... .

By putting yourself first, you are in more control.

[cashew78]

Sometimes the only way someone feels they can help is by telling you what to do. Then it becomes about them and their frustrations when you can't/won't do what they're telling you to do fast enough. In their mind it's all very rational and caring; and you're at fault by not getting with their idea of the program. For me the reality is the way that's been done in my case is always infantilizing, condescending, loaded with subtext and innuendo, overly dramatic, and doesn't necessarily relate to the issue at hand. So of course I tune it out; any normal and rational person would. I'm very grateful for what care and support I've gotten over the years, from my parents specifically; the issue is they have issues. They never dealt with them and it destroyed their marriage and other family relations. They don't know how to engage with their issues and they don't necessarily engage with the ideas behind mental health in rational ways. I hope this isn't the situation you're describing. Always know that it's very often coming from a good place. If the message hurts in a way that doesn't help with growth or healing, then no it doesn't help if it's causing injury, no you don't have to feel guilty about it, and no you don't have to accept the offence it imparts. It's a lot like yelling at someone to NOT have a heart attack... while their in the middle of a heart attack. The information may not be particularly helpful in that moment. I very much like the first post above; it hits the nail on the head.

[hypercat54]

The answer to your question about lecturing is no no and no. All it does is make you feel guilty and hits your self esteem. This just makes you less able to do what they demand.

If someone is genuinely trying to help you they offer support and validation you telling you that they believe you are strong enough to do it with their help. In other words building you up instead of dragging you down even further.

However what you describe is very common unfortunately. Are you close to your mother? Are you able to have a calm talk with her about it? One of you is going to have to be the adult here and if its not her then it has to be you.

Is there any chance you could leave home? Have you looked into any various options?

[Cookie2217]

Hi the answer to your question is No lectures are not effective at all and it actually drives a wedge between who's doing the lecturing and who's receiving it. I know you live with your mother and it's hard to listen to her when it seems like she's on you all the time. Take it for me I live with my mom until I was about 30 and we had a very tumultuous relationship during my teenage years between the ages of 18 and 21. My reason is because she was an alcoholic and I was her Target. She verbally psychologically and emotionally abused me for years calling me all sorts of names for no reason at all which did wonders for my self-esteem if you know what I mean. When your mother lectures you is she condescending when she does it? It all depends on the delivery when somebody is trying to guide you to do something but trying to be overly aggressive about it's either her way or the highway isn't going to make her heard anymore and is actually going to drive you away from her if she is not doing it in a loving giving and compassionate way. I'd like to know more about the situation and how her tone is when she is lecturing you because without knowing that I really can't give you my best advice all I can say is that I've been through the ringer with my mother but we reconciled when she round up in the hospital after falling when she was drunk and almost bleeding to death I woke up to my sister Maureen screaming at me because I should have known but my mother's door was closed so how was I to know that she was inside there holding a rag up to her face thinking it's all going to be okay cuz she's thick and doesn't like to go to doctors and was probably embarrassed by cutting yourself that way. My sister Maureen took her to the hospital I drove there right away and ripped open the curtain instead how dare you Mom you could have died last night and more you would have blamed me for your death and then I stormed out. I returned that night after calming down and told her that I was sorry for everything I said and did it against her and she told me the same and we never said another word in anger towards each other ever again and I had 10 more beautiful years with her and we were very close. Where my mother couldn't drive anymore I went to the store for her every single day and my sister Maureen live right down the hall and did nothing for her but she has to live with her own choices. Are you and your mother close or not? Do you have other siblings does she do the same thing to them that she does to you? I just have a lot of questions about this before I can state my opinions. I hope something I said here is helpful for you because in the long run it all depends on the delivery of who's doing the talking if she's lecturing you as you say it's in an annoying way to you and you're not going to receive it in the way that she means it so No it's not effective at all for you or her.