I'm 84, a recovering compulsive gambler and afraid of dementia

[Cowgirlcat84]

I've had GAD my whole life, since when I was 18 and went away from home to college. I have a family history of mental health disorders. My mother suffered from bi-polar disorder with psychotic episodes. My father's mother "heard voices in the wind" and one of his brothers had severe bi-polar. I've been in years of therapy and 12-step support groups. I have been free of the kind of phobic anxiety I'm feeling now for twenty or more years. There is a seasonal element to my anxiety. I feel more obsessive and scared in the Spring, with increasing relief toward the end of the Summer, and am pretty much free of anxiety in the Fall and Winter. I've had negative reactions to psychoactive meds, i.e. anti-depressants - I feel too out of control when I take them and no relief.

I have used slot machine gambling as a powerful drug. Both off and on-line. Another drug I use is de-caf coffee. (I quit real caffeine because I developed ocular migraines.) And my primary "drug" - and probably the major one, is the internet, FB and email. At the moment, I'm newly clean from online slots.

My anxiety has increased since the arrival of Covid and the loss of my in-person 12-step meetings. Internet meetings have not had the same calming effect - and, of course, I am then again on the internet.

My one always effective "medication" is going for a brisk hour long walk. I developed plantar fascitis in my right foot some months ago and have not been able to go for those walks. I ride an indoor exercise bicycle. It helps a little, but does not have the same calming and grounding effects.

I woke this morning yet again afraid and realized I needed to reach out to people who might understand. So, here I am. It is ironic that I just read this message and realized that a person with dementia could not have written so clearly. I appreciate hearing from those of you who can relate to my situation.

[Felinity]

You beat me to the response lol. I was just going to say that your post was clearly NOT written by a person with any kind of dementia! It does sound like your family has a history of mental illness, such as bipolar disorder, but it doesn't seem that you have that problem.

I hear you about the depression and the anxiety. I too have problems with that. And my father had Alzheimer's, so I do worry if I have some predisposition. But I guess worrying about it isn't helping.

Covid did a number on all of us. I honestly think we've all got PTSD from that.

Sorry I don't have any great advice but you are definitely not alone!☺️

[Cowgirlcat84 in reply to Felinity]

Thank you so much for your response. It hasn't occurred to me that we could have PTSD from the reality of Covid, but it makes perfect sense. Just going shopping can be scary. And, I'm, oddly enough, a really brave woman. I've hiked solo, run rivers, raised three kids by myself - taken seriously dangerous risks. So, again, thank you. From your response, it's clear to me that neither of us has dementia. Probably quite the opposite! And, I know we are not alone.

[Felinity in reply to Cowgirlcat84]

🤗