thank you

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thanks to all of you for your support and helping me to understand the situation. I would never knowingly say anything to anyone to hurt or make them to do something bad. I deal with feelings like this almost on a daily basis but I will be more careful in what I say. I guess I am a very weak person. I grew up with an alcoholic father who would work every day just like anyone else but when he got home he would start drinking. Sometimes he would just go to bed but most of the time he would get violent and my mother was always the victim. There were four of us kids two sisters who were the oldest and my brother who was seven years older than myself and then me the baby. I’m saying all of this to give you some background on my oldest sister. She was 13 when I was born and when I got older and would freak out when daddy would start yelling and going after momma she was my refuge she would get me to a safe place and then go try to help momma but her first priority was me. As we got older we’ve always been around each other and she was always there for me. She went through breast cancer several years ago and has done great up until now. She has lumps under both arms and they are doing a biopsy tomorrow. She just lost her husband of almost 60 years and unfortunately the relationship between her 3 kids are very strained so none of this is making it easier for her but what’s bothering me is I don’t know how to help her! I try to be there for her but at times I feel like that her kids really don’t want me around. My wife tells me this is all imagined by me and it probably is but all of this has brought me down lower than I’ve been in a long time and all the old thoughts and feelings are back. I’m trying to put my sisters needs before my own feelings and when I fail to do that I feel even worse. I’m sorry for such a long rant. It just helps to get out especially to people that understand.

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I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I grew up in an alcoholic home and unstable childhood too. It definitely affects us as adults. This group is great for getting support and the people do listen and understand. I'm a little behind on reading messages so forgive me if you've already answered this question but do you have a doctor and therapist? You may need some meds to get you through this time and a therapist who can walk you through some tools to help you. I see my therapist every week and I so look forward to talking to her about what's going on and getting her non judgmental feedback. Keep on posting here. We support you.

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my opinion is anyone that deals with what you and we deal with is anything but a weak person