I've been struggling with myself

[MetalEnjoyer]

Recently I been thinking I have CPTSD based on research and the information is pointing towards positive. I'm contacting my doctor about it. But recently I've been feeling a lot of anger in myself and even had scary moments with myself even at work. I literally had to sit down a few times to cope. Even at times I can't explain it like the smallest things can alter my moods and my anger at myself and others. If there's anyone who can talk to me about the disorder and possibly what you are experiencing if you have it. It would probably explain a lot in my life because I've been dealing with so much trauma.

[litethatnevergoesout]

CPTSD isn’t considered a diagnosis anymore. it’s no longer a thing. A diagnosis of PTSD always means trauma, but trauma does not always mean you have PTSD.

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I know that it doesn't always mean I have it. I also didn't know that. So would it just be PTSD? Its just that I went through a pretty traumatic childhood. About 4 years ago after my parents kicked me out at 18. It kinda set me off. I got so bad that my wife made me go to doctor to deal with it. I got diagnosed with ADHD, Depression with anxiety. But recently I've been wondering if it sorta has become so normal for me that I really can't tell anymore. Even though sometimes it just feels like just out of no where I feel isolated, trapped, with no one to turn too. It especially got worse after confronting my parents about how they treated me when I was younger. If you read my vent post you could probably see what I'm talking about. The depression is definitely there, but I've been doing my best to manage it for years. I like to think im doing ok with depression side of things. I'm still probably going to talk to my doctor about it.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

I don’t think anyone knows CPTSD isn’t a diagnosis anymore. Yes definitely talk with your doctor about it. part of the anxiety issue is that the brain likes to add feelings of fear out of nowhere especially when you ‘solve’ that the way you may be feeling is due to anxiety. trapped, isolated, nowhere or no one to turn to. these are all symptoms of anxiety and it’s nothing to sneeze at, they’re very serious and affect your quality of life. same for whatever trauma you’re going through or have been through. you’ve got a great thing going with your wife supporting you. Take advantage of all the doctors and treatment you can. it’s not really about whether you have ‘ptsd’ ‘CPTSD’ ‘abcptsd’ whatever, it’s about getting diagnosed correctly and recovering with the right treatment. it’s so difficult to tell whether someone has ‘trauma’ or ‘ptsd’ usually it takes time for ptsd symptoms to manifest really, everyone is different. definitely work on the depression and anxiety. you’re going to be doing great work, please post as much as you need and let us know how things are shaping up.

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Ya part of the reason I say this is kinda because it feels like its manifesting I guess. But you're certainly right about seeing a doctor. Thank you for the information. It helps a lot.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

I didn’t mean for my first post to sound rude, now that I read it it kind of comes across insensitive

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

If you were a victim or witnessed anything abusive or violent as a child, in person, the chances of going on to have symptoms of PTSD are high.

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

My parents when I was 14-15 moved into an RV pretty much uprooted all I built. Friends, goals, joining the military. I was isolated pretty much and neglected. My parents never hit me or anything, but they definitely scolded me sometimes. They didn't tend to my social, emotional, or educational needs. I pretty much was a passenger. They didn't even try to homeschool me. At the time I thought I was gonna experience 4 years of that. It pretty much broke me. I got so bad that I was definitely a risk to myself and potentially others. I think at the time my parents realized they didn't have a choice because something bad was gonna probably gonna happen. I probably would have died eventually. To be fast with the story later my same parents kicked me, for premarital sex at 18 right in the middle of a pandemic in 2020. I think thats where PTSD symptoms really started to be noticable. I've been super unfortunate in my life and backstabbed so many times. I also did just talk to my doctor. Although she doesn't specialize in PTSD she thinks I have it. Especially with my outbursts and a big one last Friday with I guess you can call it an emotional flashback. Where pretty much all my feelings of abandonment, dread, and isolation kicked in out of no where just from what my friend texted me that was pretty much pointless at the moment. Also there's no need to apologize. I personally hate self diagnosing and its always something I hate doing especially if its just being sick with the flu or something. Talking to the doctor did clear a lot up. Thanks for the information though. Goal now is to get past the wait list for the therapist I'm trying to get too.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

I’m not a doctor but am aware of some of the nuances of PTSD, for instance the trauma doesn’t need to be like murder, warfare, terminator end of the world near fatal type scenarios, you just need to have something affect you where you feel your life safety is in jeopardy, so minimizing never being physically hit or maybe yelled at as a child doesn’t mean your outlook on life wasn’t really scary. what I’m trying to say is what you’re describing may not seem like a formula for PTSD to a certain % of the world including a variety of specialists, but on the other hand there’s the other % of specialists that would definitely say it’s possible and given your episodes of things like flashbacks are a big red flag part of having PTSD.

I’m glad you have someone willing to go through it with you. from what I understand it comes down to how you process situations and circumstances in regards to your processing safety in your life.

I suggest that you write down as much as you can remember about growing up i.e. how it made you feel, as much as possible, the sudden loss of a home and relationships with family members, and what you’re experiencing now e.g. flashbacks with accompanying violence.

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

From what you said. I fit the criteria. I genuinely thought life was pretty much over and there was nothing left in sight. Besides lost dreams. Through that whole ordeal I actually thought the only way I I could get out was the military at 18. Than later my parents did actually send me back to school the problem was. There was absolutely no chance of passing due too many days missed and the first time they sent me to a new school I did make friends. Its just after that after being told by a friend there that I'm too fat for the military and my parents getting their job replaced by an previous worker sent us off to new Mexico from Texas in only a month instead of 3 like we were suppose too. literally devolved into absolutely isolation where even at school I avoided people to lose them as friends because I I couldn't do it a 3rd time. I'm probably gonna do what you suggested. Write it all down. Thank you.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

good luck. write it all down. have it with you for the specialist and keep in mind you might need additional opinions. don’t lose your support in your wife, she’s pretty essential. keep us posted.

The last thing I want to do is convince you that you do or do not have PTSD. I do not know.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

There’s this resource here on HU as well, Heal My PTSD.

healthunlocked.com/healmyptsd

[Nothing_but_books in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

For some folks living with trauma, journaling their memories can be very triggering.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Nothing_but_books]

is that why burning it when you do write or make marks about it then scribble all over it?

[Nothing_but_books in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

As far as I know there's no connection. But I'm sure it's important not to go too deep triggering yourself without a therapist handy.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Nothing_but_books]

yeah I had a therapist guide me through the draw it then violently scribble all over it, I found it exhausting and too emotional.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I'm sorry that happened. They're supposed to go slowly at first and make sure you can go home safe.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I’ve had worse. guided tantrums and screaming at empty chairs. too much.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

That doesn't sound right. ☹️😥

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thank you. I agree. Yeah you know, it was very unnatural but I went with it at the time and I’m not falling for any of that again, again.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Good for you for trusting yourself.

You don't know till you know. We have to forgive ourselves for that.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Nothing_but_books]

why is forgiving ourselves so difficult. or is it me?

[Nothing_but_books in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

It's not you. Or, it is you, but it's me, and a great many of us. It's easy to regret, and work to make changes.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Nothing_but_books]

well MetalEnjoyer certainly dont journal about it if it triggers you.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Can't know for sure till you get started... and sometimes you wind up in the deep end of the pool. Ask me how I know. Or don't bother -- you know how.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Nothing_but_books]

you said it

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I been dealing with the emotions for a while now. Probably 4 years maybe since my parents really set it off when they kicked me out. I'll do fine. I think i might actually do that because a lot of my problems have been partially managed. But recently I realized I haven't been pushing hard enough. I might even talk to my wife about it.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

Nothing_but_books makes a good point I forgot about going too deep

[MetalEnjoyer]

I think I the had another emotional flashback back yesterday. With how I'm trying to analyze the situations now. I've always associated emotional dysregulation with apart of ADHD and other issues. But I definitely think through the past few years of my life I hadn't identified that it was emotional flashbacks. I'm relatively certain that I need to see a therapist about. So I made another phone call today and I'll be seeing a therapist in 3 weeks instead of 3 months. Lol I am sure glad I pushed myself to do that.