I need help. I have always been the fixer and enabler in the family. I must admit I liked feeling like I was helping everyone. Recently, two things have become obvious. One, that when you get to a point when you can't fix everything, you resent it when people still expect you to. Secondly, sometimes what you think is best isn't. On two occasions recently and one in the past, my "help" has made things worse. They say "Not my monkey, Not my circus", but I think I can save the monkey and run the circus. I don't know how to stop this or fix the things I just messed up.
I have a feeling I'm not alone with this. Does anyone have any advice for me?
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Dusty1234
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I can relate to your post!! I am currently reading a book about the Karpman Drama Triangle (transactional analysis theory) as recomended by my therapist. Im finding it helpful! She asked me which role I identify with and I replied that the rescuer mostly became my assigned role growing up and later on in my life.
The rescuer role is marked by codependency and putting others needs first amongst other behaviours.
There are loads of YouTubes about this - generally and specifically about this role.
Some of the roles seem extreme initially on reading but we can all shift in and out of these roles at any given time where there is conflict involved. So says the theory!
The roles are Persecutor, Rescuer & Victim.
The idea is to become aware of this and step out of the role on the drama triangle. Happy to chat about this further if you find it relevant.
I'm going to try to get that book. It's hard to know what's being helpful and what's being too much. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm a slow reader, just so you know. lol
The book is "The Karpman Drama Triangle Explained" by Chris West. Not such a dry read - quite humorous. The author explains the difference between helpful and "rescuing" Very often the latter response is a subconscious response learnt in childhood.
I'm a slow reader too, only got half way through so far. Hope it's a happy ending haha!
Hello agora and dusty I was once told I would make a good councellor as I'm a good listener, I often say to my mam well more in the past few years when I needed to talk through my problems back then, let me talk, my mam always thinks she knows best and yes in the distant past I realised she did and took her advice but recent years and she now realises that she isn't always right in her advice, what may be right for one person may not be right for another, Dusty my mam lately has been saying she feels like a waste of space as no one needs her now, but of course her family do and so do yours need you. But as they grow older too they just want to go there own way make there own decisions, so yes sometimes just to listen is what they need 🤗💛✨🌻
Hello agora yes I remember you using that saying to someone on here people need people, well it's one my mam uses, I know when she's been away with my sister and her g grandchildren I can spend a week totally alone I tend to start up conversations with people in shops more, lovely here in my garden I may post my photo hope it's nice for you today the birds have been singing Smits like heaven 💛🌞🌻xx
Everybody’s favorite handyman here. Roll up, roll up, and welcome to the show….
At least that is how it was until about 6 months ago. I had ducked and weaved for more than 4 decades, and then one day it all ground to a halt (can you hear the crickets?) By the time I realized what was going on, I waiting to see a doctor because my brain box was not right.
Having said that, my overachieving kids didn’t even stumble. My wife also kept rolling right on, it was only me who was placed out to pasture.
Do I regret it? Not really, because I now have time to head down any number of cerebral bunny holes and have a good think. I also have the time to face-up to my childhood trauma, which probably influenced my behavior of putting everyone else’s needs/demands/selfishness first.
I have made the decision that I am done with that.
Finally, I’m not going to go off on a religious rant, but in one of his minor works (unconnected to Sherlock Holmes), Conan Doyle put the following into the mouth of one of his characters:
“God gave man two ears and one mouth because he knew that the former had twice the amount of work to do”
Yes. I have been the "caretaker" since I was a little girl. We all take on a role. I believe it came out of my perfectionism coping skill. If I help people, they'll love me more, everything will be ok. That never happened. I am the youngest and I would also try to "help" in situations I was too young to understand and it made things worse. However that didn't stop my sister for 30 years to referee between her and my mom. I would helps my friends but get nothing in return. I was on auto pilot. My "friends" were never be there for me. I was a walking doormat and people can sniff that out. So I was like that most of my life and I gained nothing. I am 52 now and I am too tired from PTSD and depression and don't care anymore - unfortunately I became so upset looking back on everything realizing "helping" didn't make anyone love me.
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xx
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