I keep unwillingly hurt my fiance with my depression

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I deal with some serious depressive episodes where I break down, constantly crying and feeling helpless, feel self harm, feel very anxious and threatened, and I push people away and want to isolate. It's a silly analogy but I feel like the hulk when it happens. I lose control, it's tiring, and when it's all over and I've recollected myself I see a wake of destruction in the form of hurting my fiance emotionally who I love so much and is always there with me. This recent episode was the first time in almost 4 years together that I yelled at her. I feel so bad to see the fear in her eyes...

I have alot of support from therapy, meds, groups, friends that know etc. Between my fiance and I we talk things through after each episode I get. Shes there for every one of them and tries her best. But lately it's been getting worse where I see its having a toll on her and our relationship.

I feel bad for hurting her emotionally and mentally. But its like I cant stop my behavior, watching helplessly from the inside of my head. She feels bad as it hurts her as well to go through it and she doesn't quite know how to effectively help me.

My biggest fear is that my mental health will ruin our relationship and I will lose the one I love most. I really cant bare the though thought of it. I've read and understand the notion that if shes ment to be with me she will love me through the bad parts as well. But is that realistic... we all have a limit to things we can do, even myself.

What should I do...?

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Well- let’s go thru this in a common sense problem solving manor.

1- what have you tried meds wise inc dosages?I realize it can sometimes be hard to remember. Isn’t it usually for many of us finding the right “ cocktail mixture “ or medications inc dosages to stop the extreme symptoms. Sometimes it doesn’t cone easy.

2- What research can you do with that awesome support group that is already there for you? What can Your doctors , therapists and maybe most importantly those that know and love can come up with not just meds but anything holistic wise. Can you be more aggressive with the absolute goal of relief. Nothing less is unacceptable.

To me in your state the more information on what you can try and then try and then try the better. When I was your sick I needed a lot help tracing everything and didn’t get it.

It’s scary. Side affects,. You feel a little better but not quite good enough to change your demeanor and life.What then ?

What to do can we overwhelming. That’s why a full team , as much as possible, wrapping its arms and brains around you not only will find the answer but give you hope.

Hope is important

The common sense part is nothing should stop you and yours until you find answers . Nothing!

Status quo is not an option!

Why?

Cause your in love