I have been down this road before, but for the first time I am not walking alone. I have never had treatment before, and the meds scare me. I feel that people will look at me different and think that I am just crazy. Suicide thoughts ... yes, I have plenty of those, but I have 2 beautiful girls that I do not want growing up without a dad. I refuse to give into that train of thought, even though it sounds so easy. My previous attempts have put me in hospital, made me severely ill or made me lash out against people I know wanted to just help me. Then again, I did not want help. It's different this time. I wish to be strong for my family, but have so many defects it is hard to look at myself in the mirror and actually say anything good about me. I always see the bad side of me and try hide it from everyone.
The meds make me feel uncomfortable. I feel more out of control with them. They say it takes time for them to properly work (It is only day 2 now). I feel ... empty, void of emotion, like a zombie just looking for its next meal.
That's it for now. Don't know what to say more, even though I have so much to say.
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SilentScream
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Thank you. Mainly a feeling of failure, that I have let everyone down. I could not see any good in me, and still do. Just neverending tiredness. Everything seems challenging, even the simple things. Being sickly does not help either as I just see more failure in my physical being.
Please stand firm on your commitment to stay here for your children and yourself... Give the medication time to work. I know that is easier said than done, but you can do this. You are a child of God and he loves you no matter what. Hang in there and just be honest with your family and true to yourself.
Thank you. I had a good sleep last night for the first time in what feels like forever. I will try to embrace today rather than feeling like it will never end. My sister came to visit and I am sitting in the kitchen away from everyone as I just need alone time right now. I feel empty today. Maybe I will find something to fill me again.
Howdy and welcome SilentScream. I am so glad that you are feeling that you can get help at this time in your life and are ready to make changes. I think our anxiety and depression is our brain screaming at us that something has to change. I think that what we usually need to change is our thinking and how we perceive ourselves, usually not something like moving or getting a new job.
It is interesting that I felt like a failure for so long and not wanting to let my family down was one reason not to die, but I also felt worse because I love them so much and felt like I was letting them down. 🤔
I have some older posts about what gives a human worth, it is something I really had to dissect in therapy. We all have worth that we cannot add to or detract from. We just have worth being. It is amazing. I find it empowering knowing that if I become extremely successful I will actually not have any added worth. My bank account may be different, but my worth as a human won't. I hope you can feel that in your soul SilentScream.
I also think about the best example I can be for my children is to keep trying. The only real failure is giving up. I feel for you. A couple years ago I was ready to wander into the wilderness and lay down and die. Now I feel energetic and motivated... things can change. There is always more to try. There are always more people to ask for help. We are here for you.☮️❤️
I always recommend "Feeling Great" by David Burns.
P.S. Yes, going on and off meds is nuts. It helps me to accept it and sit in the changing feelings and physical symptoms if I know it is my body adjusting.
"It is interesting that I felt like a failure for so long and not wanting to let my family down was one reason not to die, but I also felt worse because I love them so much and felt like I was letting them down. 🤔"
That statement is exactly the way I feel. I should be the strong one and always be there for them when issues arise. I have had thoughts of just leaving, thinking they would be better off without me, not suicidal or anything like that, just ... leaving. It would break my daughters' hearts for I know they love me so much. I will try embrace the day today. Thank you for your words.
Depression is a beast. I always found that my depression loves to bring up my past memories and use them as a weapon against myself.
Things I could have done better or should have done better.
I, too, have had the suicidal thoughts. Almost went through with it as a teenager twice. But then I thought about what would my mom think of me.
I, myself, never felt good enough for anyone. I can show up for other people. But I can't show up for me. I'm a great friend to my friends but not to myself.
Then I started to question myself why is that? Why don't I love myself the way I love others? The answer for me was because I felt I didn't deserve it. I felt I have done nothing worth love, respect and kindness towards myself.
But truth is I have. Depression has just blinded me from it.
You may not like you and feel you are unworthy of love and kindness because you didn't live up to some standards you set for yourself. Truth is though you keep moving the goal post. Truth is you have done something great. You have 2 beautiful children. The way you speak about them shows me you have shown them lots of love. I'm sure they are wonderful children ❤️
Meds, yes sadly take time about 3 months usually when they fully get into your system. I urge you to speak with a therapist to help you navigate this rocky road of depression.
You are worthy of being loved and your own best friend.
Thank you for staying and existing. Wishing you love and healing 🫂❤️
I will never give up for my girls. They keep me from doing something drastic. Sometimes it feels overpowering and I have this battle in my head, but I always choose the path where there will be least suffering to my family. I thought that typing out things to people I never meet and see would be easier, but its not. Deep inside I want to explode and just scream out what I feel ... but I don't know what I feel. Thank you for your words.
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Don't know where to start-Covid sucks
Where to find the strength and hope
Start of my anxiety and depression 
where is everyone from?
Where does it come from...
