I haven’t posted in a while, nor responded to people, but I could really use some encouragement. Sorry!
I’m very depressed and anxious these days, SADD getting to me. My psychiatrist has offered a nasal spray 2x a week for 8 weeks that will work for up to five years to decrease depression. I’m waiting for insurance approval right now.
I finally paid off my parents, my car, my debt and got a new dog, have a pretty great job and… I’m still…not happy.
I paid to change my name as I always wanted, tried to change it at work and, things got outta hand. Coworkers/staff members didn’t react well and I changed it back in my work documents, cause I had a massive panic attack because of how they reacted. The name change was approved by state already, and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve wanted to cut ties with my abusive parents, but I haven’t been able to yet and they’ve made it clear they don’t like me changing my name. I thought I wanted it, and I hate my names - first and middle cause it reminds me of being in trouble and my last because I come from a line of narcissists. But I am still freaking out. I was a bit impulsive.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts, but don’t have the guts to go through with it. I hate mental health units, too, and last one I was in was traumatizing.
I’m doing everything I can - medication, hot chocolate, dark chocolate, weighted blankets, comedy/happy things, talking with friends, a mental health ai, counselor and other app, meditations, hypnotism, etc. and I still have a hard time getting through work. I still sit there and think about all I hate myself for.
what works for you guys? What is there left to do? How do I overcome my anxiety about the name change (state says you cannot change name again unless you get married/divorced)? My counselor hasn’t really been helpful and good ones are hard to find so I’m hesitant to leave her. Anything is appreciated!