Rough December

[FurBabies62]

TW: suicide, infidelity

Hi, I have just joined and this is my first post.

It's been an incredibly tough December. On the 1st I had a family friend commit suicide. My mom found him when she and the deceased's brother went to check on him. We spent the rest of that week helping with the arrangements because the rest of the family couldn't be bothered to show up for the brother (also our friend). This brother is disabled and has schizophrenia and just couldn't handle all of this happening. None of us had money to pay for clean up... so my mom and I ended up having to clean the room where it happened, at least to the best of our ability so that we could access the personal items that the brother wanted. It is an event that has definitely changed me.

I feel like the hardest part of it all was that he didn't want to be a burden to anyone. He deep cleaned his home. He threw out all of the food in the house except for some gatorade and waters for whoever would be clearing out the home. He bought packing tape and put it in a cupboard. he bought extra trash bags so we could get rid of a majority of his things, I guess. He bought air freshener. He left 3 notes out so that they wouldn't be missed. He thought of everything except the fact that we would have preferred to have him here with us. It chills me to my bones that I have also considered taking these actions. I was suicidal in November. I was making a plan. Now that I have lived through this, I don't think that I could ever commit to that. I can't do that to the people I love. I can't do that to the people who I don't even realize are affected by my presence.

Still... Life can be so painful, and so cruel sometimes. I also found out this week that my partner of 13 years, my fiancee, recently started talking to a young girl, 19 years old. Almost half the age of my partner. I can't help but think about all the different ways it adds up- this girl would have been 6 years old when we got together. The question "Why?" keeps popping up in my head, although my (now ex) partner told me why. And frankly, it's really stupid. They said "I wanted to have an outlet for my sexual needs so I could better support you while you are struggling with these traumatic events!" As if it would really be in my benefit. So now, on top of the anxiety that all my loved ones could suddenly die and I wouldn't realize until it is too late, now I am also dealing with the betrayal from someone that I thought would have my back the most.

I'm having a hard time eating, and working, but I am forcing myself to do it anyways. I'm already medicated (Thank God) and I've started therapy. It's hard to go through this without my best friend (partner) but it's for the best that we not talk right now. I don't want the fear of being alone to cloud my judgment and make me go back to a situation that is doing more harm than good. I just wish it weren't during the holidays or so close to our birthdays.

If you've read this whole post, thank you. Hopefully this will touch the right people and they will reconsider ending their life, or they will reach out when they are struggling. I'm not here specifically to convince anyone of anything... Just felt the need to let some of this go and hope and pray that some good can come of it.

If no one has said it to you today, I am proud of you, I am happy that you are here, and I know we can get through this.

Happy Holidays.

[Agora1]

FurBabies62, Thank you for that beautiful post. And Welcome new friend.

I've been here a long time (8 years) and it takes a lot to overwhelm me. Maybe

it's your story in how life can be so cruel but also of the hope you have given others

by reaching out today. I am proud of you and I'm happy that you are here with us.

Without a doubt I am sure that you have given strength to those who needed to hear

those words of someone "caring".

I'm so sorry for your losses but hopefully in a sad way you realized that Life is Precious.

May you go forward with our help and support for a better 2024. Happy Holidays

FurBabies... We Welcome You xx

[fauxartist]

wow, you have had a lot on your plate....I'm so sorry you have gone through so much. I'm glad your able to go to therapy to help you through all this. And thank you for sharing.

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. I am so sorry for all you have been through and are currently going through. I am glad that you are here with us now. I hope you find this site as helpful as I have.

[barlock]

a close neighbor and friend to everybody was just found dead. by his hand. until it hit so close to home you just don't realize the total impact, he had on everyone's life. he came and introduced himself to me last summer. his children and my grandson went to church. water sking basketball games parties. the fun he had with the kids will be missed.I wished I had know he was suffering. I would have sent over my crises lady's. when you are in pain you only think of how you can stop it. you do not think of everyone it impacts when you are gone.