Personality Changes in Adolescence/Puberty

[LilacCuddleQueen]

I tried to Google various forms of the question "What are coping mechanisms for losing the person you once knew to the personality changes that happen due to puberty", but no dice.

This all started with my brother. He is four years younger than I am, and while my childhood friends were turning into the kind of people I didn't recognize (probably unironically, due to puberty), my brother became my best friend.

But then when he became of pubescent age, he became cruel, and callously shut me out. I don't mean this next sentence in jest or to be taken figuratively: since the brother I knew had died, even though this stranger who looked like him was living in my house, I went through the five stages of grief, with the added anguish of this tormentor treating me the way our older brothers used to terrorize the both of us.

(It's almost 20 years later now, and I have dialoged with him a few years ago about my desire to be friends again, or at least a friendly companions. He shut that down, stating he's good with the way our relationship is, and I should just accept it. When we are together, he barely engages, and it's like he looks right through me as if I'm not even there.)

The issue is, I haven't come up with any working/long-term coping strategies for all of the people in my life I enjoyed when they were kids, then see them again as adolescents and it's like we were never friends. I did a lot of babysitting and volunteering for various Youth Groups, and I participated in children's theater when I was in school, and now as an adult, my cousins are having wonderful kids of their own that cause me to dread the point where I lose them to puberty; a few I already have.

The explanation that this is biologically natural and they are better off because puberty means their growth isn't stunted does not work for me as a coping mechanism, because I find this phase of a teenager's life to be flawed: the kids that I knew were so much more interesting, funny, creative, well-mannered, happy, and thoughtful than their teenage "counterparts." I need a new perspective, but trying to convince myself that puberty has made these little humans better people is a nonstarter for me, personally.

[Agora1]

LilacCuddleQueen, I'm sorry to hear that you and your brother can't seem to

re-kindle what you had growing up. I mean once the puberty years are over and

the adult you and he takes over, there should be some kind of bond between you two.

As for puberty changing who kids are, we have to remember that not only are their

bodies changing but their sense of direction as well.

During these hormonal years, they are working hard in finding out just who they

are and where they are going. There's a lot of competition and doubts between other

teens making them pull away from grown-ups.

Did something happen between you two that caused your brother to just want

things to stay as they are?? It's sad because we are given siblings by chance and not

choice hoping that we have them by our side for a lifetime. xx

[LilacCuddleQueen in reply to Agora1]

I straight up asked him what do I need to stop doing or start doing so he'll actually want to interact with me, and got the response that I can accept things the way that they are.

What hits close to home about the explanation of teens pulling away from adults is that I wasn't that kind of teen. I was the outlier that preferred adult (and pre-pubescent) company, and it was the adults who would tell me to go be with people my own age, so they wouldn't have to censor themselves around me, etc.

[Agora1 in reply to LilacCuddleQueen]

I'm so sorry LilacCuddleQueen. You can only hope that things might change

down the road but for now accepting what he says may be easier on your emotions xx

[SayNOtoPanic]

Man this is so frustrating. I really feel for you. You definitely seem like an empath who is in touch with their feelings and loving/giving. And you are not alone! But it absolutely sucks when you don’t get that in return, especially from those you truly care for and love. Idk what advice to offer you as you have done your part. He seems to have some kind of an issue and whether it’s from lack of affection or just personality type, it’s hurtful to you. And that sucks. U know what just be you and try to not to be so hard on yourself. We can’t control others. But don’t let that change how you are. I hope the loving people like yourself gravitate to you. Big hugs.

[designguy]

It sounds like maybe your brother wasn't able to discern for himself and had a stronger need to fit in with with your older brothers and adopted the same bullying tactics they had inflicted on him and yourself. He probably has a lot of shame and repressed anger about it that he is too afraid to admit and deal with.

For your sake you might forgive him and let go of what might have been and focus on taking care of yourself.