Why Can't I Help Myself?

[GhostKitty]

I've been in and out of therapy for about 5 years. Sometimes I would go long stretches without therapy because I felt ok and just kind of didn't think about it. I think the only reason I felt ok in those stretches was because of my medications at the time. I've had a lot of ups and downs in the past 5 years sometimes I found therapy and sometimes I didnt but I never seem to retain anything from therapy. I remember some activities we did but I don't remember anything helpful. And with my most recent therapist we never could move past my "lack of motivation" and it was just trying to figure out how to motivate me. Turns out I have ADHD (the inattentive type, formally referred to as ADD but was eventually just grouped into ADHD). I brought the possibility of having ADHD up to her, before my diagnosis, and struggling with executive dysfunction and she didn't think I had it. So we spent months (1-2 sessions a month) just trying to figure out how to get motivated and just do things I needed to get done. And now she's leaving town for a better job and I feel like I wasted so much already useless time. Now I have to fill in a new therapist of alllllll my issues I've had this whole time that have never been resolved because, I don't know, therapy just doesn't work for me? May it was just the therapists I had? I just don't remember anything useful to help in my times of need.

Why is that? Why did I not retain anything helpful? Was there actually anything that helped me or was it just the meds? Are meds the only thing that have ever held me together? I mean that would explain my my downs are so awful. My downs start out as a slow decline into depression, so slow I don't even notice, and then there is a dratic drop into an unescapable pit of depression and suicidal thoughts. The only thing that ever seems to get me out is new meds that work for atleast a little while. Sometimes the drop doesn't last too long and sometimes it lasts months. I've lost jobs during the drops, I've driven everybody so far away from me that my bf thought about leaving me but instead of leaving me just talked to other girls, I've gotten close enough to suicide that I visualize myself doing the plans so clearly in my head that I wonder if I could actually do it. But I struggle to get myself to do anything let alone something so taboo and "terrible". One time in highschool I actually counted how many pills I had available to me but still couldn't do it. More recently I broke into the cheap lockbox my meds were kept in just to have access to them to know I had the choice.

Why don't I get a choice in whether I live or die? I didn't ask to be born, and yet I'm forced to live and function as a human being. Why don't I get a choice?

I just want help, why can nobody help me? Why can't I be ok without meds? Why can't I just be ok at all? Why is my stupid psychiatrist so hard to get a hold of? I just want to be ok. But I cant seem to get or remember the tools to help myself. How can I be ok if I can't help myself? How do I help myself? I just want to be ok.

[Shield_Of_Faith]

I'm sorry for all the struggles you face.I've had difficult time over the many years I've had with anxiety and depression to find the right therapist. I've seen different ones. I hope you hang in there and find the right therapist to help you. I've always struggled to find the right medication or therapist. But I hope in time you find the right help you need. I'm hoping all the best!

[gajh]

You are helping yourself. You are coming here. You do have a psychiatrist. You are in therapy. You said you have had a lot of ups and downs. You are in a down right now, but you will get up again. It is ok if you need meds. There is nothing wrong with that. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I am sure you are doing the best that you can.