How long do I have to hang on?

[HopeforMiami]

My doctor says I'm probably going to be on medication for the rest of my life. I can't have any more relationships, my kids are grown and work, the only thing that makes me feel useful and pays the rent, is on ice. So ...I wish I was a horse with a broken leg and then I would be treated humanely.

[IncognitoC]

Hi, how are you? Someone was asking after you earlier today. They were really worried about you!

[IncognitoC]

It was Downilil

[Shield_Of_Faith]

I'm sorry for your struggles. I hope things improve soon! I'm always hoping for the best for everyone. I'm hoping you stay strong, easier said then done I know. I really do mean I hope all things get better soon. 🙏

[gajh]

"How long do I have to hang on?" You have to hang on until it gets better. We are all here to support you. It is totally ok to be on meds. Don't worry about how long you have to be on them. You aren't the only one. There is nothing wrong with that. I know your kids are grown and work, but they still need you. I am glad that you are here posting. What can we do to help you? What do you need from us? We are listening.

[HopeforMiami in reply to gajh]

My kids don't really need me anymore and my depression is not healthy for them. They're actually avoiding me now.The only thing that I have is my work. I love being a designer and I don't have any new projects so I won't be able to pay the rent next month. It's been 16 years of this and I don't see any way out.

[gajh in reply to HopeforMiami]

That is wonderful that you love being a designer. You don't have any new projects yet. New ones will come to you. Have you talked to your doctor about changing your meds? Maybe you could find something that works for you. Do you have a therapist? How did you find your way to this site? You should stick around. It is amazing how helpful it is. I have been here a little over 2 months I think. I am here every day. You might find enough support to help you get through this difficult time. You don't have to go through it alone.

[HopeforMiami in reply to gajh]

Thank you. It does help to know that someone else gets it. I've never really done this stuff before. I also texted a suicide help center today for the first time because I wish things could be better but nothing changes the facts. I'm sorry I'm being negative. I've just been through so many desperate moments and I've felt like I wished I never had to wake up again. And now the stakes are higher because it's really hard to get freelance work.

I've been doing hospitality and cruise ships and this business is high competition. I can't do it anymore. I can't take the big egos and the corporate environment anymore.

I know I'm so lucky that I've had a career doing something I love, but now it's over and that's the last thing I had to keep me going.

I've tried getting other types of jobs just to pay the rent, but my resume doesn't transfer well at all.

If I can't find a way to support myself fast, I'll be homeless.

Thank you for being supportive but I'm pretty much screwed.

[gajh in reply to HopeforMiami]

I am glad to hear that it does help to know that someone else gets it. I am so glad you are here sharing. That is great that you texted a suicide help center. Feel free to do that whenever you need support. You do not have to go through all of this alone. You don't have to be sorry for being negative. I can understand why you are being negative. It is good if sharing it helps you feel better. I hope that you will find some more freelance work very soon. Hopefully your career is not truly over, just a temporary break. Keep looking for other jobs too, but don't give up on freelancing. I do hope you find a way to support yourself fast. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I have had a really hard time leaving the house for the past 4 years. Lately I have been making a little progress. Today I even went for a walk outside by myself. That is a big deal for me. There is hope. Things can get better even when it has been a long time. Sharing with other people who understand makes all the difference in the world. I have connected with someone else on this site. We private message each other throughout the day every day. We are super supportive of each other. I messaged her before I went for my walk to help me to actually do it. Then I messaged her after I returned to share my success. It made a huge difference. It really helped me. I hope you will use this site as a resource to get support. I am here for you if you want to stay in touch. You deserve support.

[HopeforMiami in reply to gajh]

Thank you so much.I'm trying so hard. I go outside twice a day to walk my dog but that's it. I don't talk to anyone anymore because I'm tired of pretending to act normal.

I've been surviving for 16 years and It's too much already. I just want to be forgiven by my children if I can't keep going.

[gajh in reply to HopeforMiami]

I am glad to hear that you have a dog and that you are going outside twice a day to walk your dog. I can totally understand not wanting to talk to anyone anymore and being tired of pretending. That is exhausting. At least you don't have to pretend here. Yes just surviving for 16 years is a very long time. It is hard to keep going. It is hard to keep believing that things can get better. I do believe that things can get better and that we are worth fighting for. It is about not having to do it alone anymore. Hopefully you won't put your children in the position of having to forgive you. That is a horrible burden to put on your children. I know that sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough to keep going for someone else, but it is really important that we do. Have you talked to your doctor about your medications lately? Maybe it is time for a change. Maybe there is something that can help you feel better. It is definitely worth a try. When is the next time you talk to your doctor? Do you have an appointment scheduled?

[HopeforMiami]

Thank you all for your responses, but I'm a sitting duck.

[HopeforMiami]

I need a miracle

[Teaching in reply to HopeforMiami]

Miracle will locate. I'm glad you believe in miracles. I join my faith with yours and pray for instant miracle. You will testify

[punkster]

Hopefor Miami, please know that there is always Hope! Life is constantly changing, and things will change for you, too. The other poster that said your kids still need you is right! You didn't mention if you have tried therapy, but it really helps. You have to work at it and it takes time, but it will help. You are worthy. Try watching the movie "It's a Wonderful Life". It is an old movie and a movie to watch during the holidays, but the message is that your life is important and that the world needs you. As far as medication goes, I would take what your doctor says with a grain of salt. Many people have learned how to handle depression and anxiety without medication.

[Asif_Melton]

Sad to hear, I understand your feelings, pain. It's really difficult to manage. But please don't lose hope . Trust in God.We are here for you.

You are not alone.

[catsrock]

Please hang on. As you can see from all the posts, lots of people care.

[CLB1125]

I thought my kids didn't need me anymore. they are 42 and 40 years old. I said the same thing to my daughter and she said we need you more than you'll ever know. I bet yours feel the same. If they are avoiding you it may be because it's so painful to see their mom suffering. Have you looked into working through a designing company, instead of freelance? I'm glad you are here.

[HopeforMiami in reply to CLB1125]

Yes, my twenty year old is staying away because it's painful. But my 35 year old son is angry and thinks I'm selfish. And my 33 year old daughter doesn't want to be in my life anymore.I don't have a lot of hope for work. I feel too broken and I'm not in any condition to do an interview.

I'm just trying to hang in there until after my boy's birthday because I don't want to mess it up for him. Poor baby has had to watch me suffer for most of his life. God help him.

[CLB1125]

Do you have a plan for after your son's birthday? If you are seeing a doctor, maybe see if they think you could qualify for disability.

[HopeforMiami]

Maybe I could try changing my medication.

[gajh in reply to HopeforMiami]

I definitely think you should try changing your medication. It could definitely help. When can you talk to your doctor?

[HopeforMiami]

I'm going to call tomorrow and see if I can get an emergency appointment. I'm really struggling but I'm also scared because I don't know what side effects will come. I've been on Escitalopram for many years. Also, I have ADD, and it's hard for me to focus, understand and remember things, so I take a stimulant for that. And it's all very tricky with the anxiety.So I've been scared to change. But I'm desperate now.

[gajh in reply to HopeforMiami]

That is great that you are going to call and see if you can get an emergency appointment. Be sure to talk to your doctor about side effects. They should be able to help you through the change. If it is hard for you to focus, understand, and remember things can you take notes at your appointment so that you can refer back to it later. I know that you are desperate and I think it is great that you are willing to change even though you are scared. Will you please check in with me tomorrow to let me know if you were able to get an appointment scheduled? I would like to hear from you.