I want an advice

[Starling2411]

I have had a tough childhood and recently faced a mentally abusive relationship where my ex lied to me about having a brain tumor and blamed his mental health it on me for about 6 months before that I was told I was ugly, not good looking cheated upon but the lying broke me down since then I have had severe mental health issue but have not been able to afford consistent treatment for the same. My childhood was abusive too my father was alchoholic who died of it and was physically abusive to my mother my mother was physically abusive to my sister and verbally abusive to me. I hate when people yell. Previously I was able to digest it but ever since my ex did what he did I am in a very delicate situation. Yesterday my mother had brought food from a new place and it was too spicy to eat we all agreed to eat at lunch but my mom felt guilty about it I was hungry for something else I told her I would share the spicy food later even at lunch she was making something I didn't like and thus I wanted at the moment to eat a snack that was my favourite she yelled at me saying I am too much and shouldn't be picky even though I agreed to share just not at that moment and she started yelling I cannot tolerate yelling so I yelled back . My sister intervened to stop the fight but my mom as usual after yelling started her crying and I reminded them that when they don't like something I finished it so they won't have to eat it both ungratefully told me I didn't have too that no one had told me I shouldn't make a fuss about it. I got angry that they don't get the right to criticise me every time. My sister kind of lifted her hand as if to hit me and I lost control I started hitting her not badly and after a point I was so angry at myself I hit myself really hard in the head. I have begged, hit myself ,yelled in front of my mom to not raise he voice at me but she always does that and deflects the conversation saying its all because of monetary issues. I have not friends and feel all alone. I mostly feel always like a monster even before this incident . I have told her I feel like killing myself and she says I am using it to threaten her and I have started feeling I do. I don't know what to do