No self worth

[GhostKitty]

This is going to be long, I'm sorry.

I have no self worth. I hate myself. I don't know how to love myself or get happiness from within. My only happiness is my boyfriend. I'm not supposed to put all my happiness and self worth into something external, let alone a guy, but here I am. And he's been mostly good to me. We both have our problems and our stressors. He betrayed me twice during a few rough patches we had in our relationship and life in general. But I still love him and he is still all I feel I have. Sure I love my family but that love is nothing compared to how he makes me feel, especially in the last year when things have actually been good for us. There is no excuse for what he did but he seems to genuinely wants to make this work, so we're going to try couples counseling. But that's no guarantee it will work out. And I just can't imagine my life without him. I know I sound like a love sick teenager but I'd rather die than lose him.

And this past week has been rough for me. I don't remember how but things got dredged back up and I just couldn't stop the thoughts from overtaking and eating away at me. Think over it all again. Re-opening the wounds and rubbing salt in it.

I thought about breaking up with him, or making him angry enough to break up with me, and killing myself. I had a plan and everything. But once again he got through to me and kept me alive another day. But this has repeated a few times this week. Being ok, thinking, thinking about what happened, questioning and overthinking what happened, ripping myself apart mentally, wanting to hate him and die, can't bring myself to hate him but still wanting to die, talking to him and making him angry and upset because I brought it up for the 1000000th time, we talk, he calms me down, he calms himself down, I admit to wanting to kill myself, and repeat I think 3 times this week. (Mentally I'm an unstable mess because of medication issues.)

I just don't know what to do. I hope couples counseling and personal counseling for both of us works but right now at this moment I'm not ok. I can try to call my psychiatrist and therapist tomorrow but chances are I won't hear back for a day or 2 and I'm supposed to go back to work on Wednesday. How can I go back to work when I'm like this?! And I have no idea how long the mental instability will last because of the medications getting into and out of my system. It could be a day or a few weeks.

I can afford to be off work for a while I just can't afford to lose that job. I don't know what to do. Even if I try for FMLA there is no guarantee it will go through and I still have to work for a few weeks until it may be approved.

I actually recently got out of a mental health facility due to suicidal thoughts and having a plan, like I got out less than a week ago. Here's the thing though, I went in with baseless suicidal thoughts. There was no reason I could identify behind them. I wasn't thinking about that 2 betrayals, I still hated myself and that did not help but other than self loathing there was nothing there. The suicidal thoughts would come and go like episodes every few days and in my calm phases I worried I would actually try to kill myself so I went to the ER hoping for like a hook up to daily outpatient therapy but I was admitted into a mental heath facility instead. I felt better while I was there and right when I got out, I was just so focused on feeling better so I could go home to my boyfriend. I think the night after I got out something drudged up the past and I spiraled out of control again. And now I'm back at the bottom but with a real reason this time.

I just don't know what to do. How can I go back to work? How can I make it to a couples therapy session that is about a month away? Take one day at a time and all but I don't know if I can handle work.

I could try to be re-admitted, that would get me out of work and maybe more needed help.

My current outpatient plans are weekly therapy and psychiatry meetings. But in this state, is weekly enough?

*Edit* My bf doesn't want me to be re-admitted. But I don't know what else to do. One of his big problems is being alone. He can't stand being alone and being away from me for even one night. My 2 night visit to the hospital was hard on him as is. But if I go back it will be an extended visit. He struggles to sleep and sleep well as is but without me it's 10 times worse. His mental state is honestly horrid but he copes and makes it day by day and without me it crumbles. He barely hangs on by a thread without me. And knowing how I'm feeling and knowing it's partially his fault makes him feel worse but as long as I'm still there and still with him he holds it together. He's holding it together for both of us. Without him I probably would have attempted. So I just don't know what to do. How can I get out of work? Or would work help me?

[gajh]

I am sorry that you are suffering. Please call a crisis line. Don't hesitate to go back to the hospital and get re-admitted. I hope you get your therapy appointment soon. You need support. I am glad you are here reaching out, but we can only do so much. Take care of yourself.

[jadeite11]

Hi luv, you need to start working on yourself. Get yourself a book on self esteem. What things do you enjoy in life? Im curious too, but I wonder where this low self esteem stems from? When did it start? Are there little bits you like about yourself, that may be a good place to start. Why dont you see if there are any new things you can do, like an education class or an art class. If you work alot try meet up theres loads of groups on there. Also may be worth you trying meditation or yoga or both. Read something to take your mind off your thoughts. Also something Ive found helpful is to write a diary and really have a good vent and moan as much as you want, you may want to hide it too! Try a little action each day, look after yourself more have a nice relax in a bath, go swimming. Exercise increases endorphins. Also you need to put you first more, I understand your boyfriend needs you, but you need to speak to professionals and see the treatment through. You dont exist for him. Also theres a reson your alive luv, do you feel like you re here to do something to help others? Most people that have hard life lessons are here to do something, what r u good at? I wish you all the best. Keep trying, keep reading ok xxx