I'm having a tough day.😞

[Swilly97]

I'm feeling so defeated and weak. I canceled my new psychiatrist appointment that I had for tomorrow because I'm afraid to leave the house and, to be judged or criticized by him. I'm feeling so damn down. 😕

I was ok yesterday. I freaked out though today. I couldn't do it. I feel like a failure. I didn't reschedule because they didn't pick up the phone, it went to voicemail. We left a message though. I self-sabotage constantly.

I'm just feeling really low today. I also was reminded of who I used to be thanks to Google Drive. It played a slide show of 'memories' automatically from 8 years ago. Pictures of myself and how I socialized and was smiling. I rarely have a genuine smile anymore. My wife doesn't know me either and I see it. It's like, she went up and I went down. I'm proud of her and, then, I look inside myself and cry. It seems to have started when we moved. That's major and disruptive to me. I never had a stable home growing up. We moved a lot.

I just don't know who I am anymore, I don't recognize myself. I used to take pictures of nature, conflicting with buildings and society. I have a nice camera and all. Now, I can't even step out of the door.

Idk if I'll recover and be my true self. I don't feel it right now. I wanna live my best life and I'm not.

Rant over. 😞

I posted a picture that I took years ago. I loved doing it.

[Agora1]

Hi Swilly97, things we loved doing may go along the wayside for awhile but it doesn't

have to be forever. Changes are a part of our everyday life. Although difficult to deal with,

we can break out of our shell a little at a time. Maybe start with taking some pictures

looking out the window. Focus on what others see. Capturing what's around you may

fuel the need for you to one day go out and experience it yourself.

As for cancelling your psychiatrist appt for tomorrow, that was because you were

feeling vulnerable today, unlike yesterday when your gratitude was high. You instantly

felt you might be defeated by the new doctor. What ifs took over your rational thinking.

This is just one day in your life. See how you feel tomorrow and maybe you will feel

differently in re-scheduling your appointment.

Taking a new path is the way to break free in what's holding you back.

I understand your feelings, I've been there. I care xx

[Swilly97 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora, you always have the right words. I'm gonna take your advice. Maybe I'll start with the cat, she's photogenic 😻

Thank you again

[Agora1 in reply to Swilly97]

There you go Swilly, will be watching for your photo updates xx

[Swilly97 in reply to Agora1]

🙏💛🫂

[sabres4love]

"Idk if I'll recover and be my true self. I don't feel it right now. I wanna live my best life and I'm not. I just don't know who I am anymore I don't recognize myself."

Wow, I may as well have written that myself because that is EXACTLY how I have been feeling. I usually love summer and spend a lot of time outdoors and take so many walks and go to the beach and parks. However, because of my anxiety issues I didn't do much of that this summer. You aren't alone in feeling this way. I totally agree with the looking back. I will look at old pictures and feel the same way. Like WHERE is that person and WHEN/WILL she ever return?! At times I feel better, but it never lasts. I just want to feel happy again. Don't feel like you are a failure for not keeping your psychiatrist appointment. You did what you thought was best. Maybe, if you are feeling better tomorrow, call to reschedule. If you don't like him, can always switch. I remember being scared to start with my psychiatrist, but it turned out she is wonderful. Give it a chance and see how it goes. I am very sorry you are going thru this. I am there right now myself and I understand. I am here for you. Take care of yourself the best you can.

[Swilly97 in reply to sabres4love]

Thank you, truly. That helps a lot. Knowing I'm not alone is comforting, I'm sorry you're struggling too. Mental illness sucks.

[litethatnevergoesout]

I’m doing the same things too

[Swilly97 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

It's so terrible right? 😞

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Swilly97]

It’s an awful human condition.

[litethatnevergoesout]

great photo swilly

[Swilly97 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Thank you 🙏

[Swilly97]

Thank you 🙏 I appreciate it. Truly. One step at a time is good advice

[SayNOtoPanic]

Beautiful picture. Don’t be so hard on yourself Swilly. Just one step at a time. Some days are like that. You have a lot of positive steps. Maybe try a gratitude journal and tracking all the positive moments even the small things and that will empower you. You’re still that person, just need to hug yourself. You’re not alone. Lifting you in prayer. 🙏🏻

[Swilly97 in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Very good advice, thank you 🙏

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to Swilly97]

Ur welcome. I totally felt for you and especially when you said you looked at old pictures and wondered where that person went. Nowhere! Still the same person, just anxiety and mental health struggles make u feel like that. I know the exact feeling. Give Swilly a hug 🤗 and be kind to yourself.

[Swilly97 in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Thank you 🫂 much appreciated. Having a tough day again bc I feel ill. Just the nature of the beast.

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to Swilly97]

A beast it is. Hang in there. Ur not alone.

[SayNOtoPanic]

I second with the sad face cat lover. Rooting for Swilly. Hugs to u as well.

[Aberidha]

hi, I know what it’s like to be in your shoes. I’ve dealt with depression for 9 years and am just now trying to seek help for it. I learned that it is important to surround yourself with family friends who care for you and pets (especially dogs since they are therapeutic) I wish you better health and life

[Swilly97 in reply to Aberidha]

Thank you yes, my cat helps! Sadly my family doesn't understand but I am still kinda close to them. I just don't talk about my mental illness with them basically

[Aberidha]

ik how you feel. I tried telling people about my mental state but no one would listen until it was too late. Never hesitate to call the mobile crisis or a friend or even go to the hospital. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. I’m praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts 🙏

[Swilly97 in reply to Aberidha]

Thank you, I appreciate it! 🙏

Yeah, they'll never fully understand.