An honest update. I appreciate your support.

[Milliewaterlilly]

So I decided to give you an update because I need to get it off my chest and so many of you have been supportive in the past. These last days have been hell. My life has completely fallen apart. I live in a foreign country, I don't have friends who live close, and those with whom I'm in touch I feel are getting tired of the ill part of myself. I'm pushing my family away since I'm not well and I can't stand them witnessing my miserable state. We talk via WhatsApp but I haven't flew home since Christmas. Relationships with my family are not always emotionally safe, that's why. I'm doing job interviews but I haven't received any confirmation yet.

17 days ago I increased the dose of Zoloft to 150 mg but I think it's not working well. I have less anxiety but my mood is very low, perhaps even lower than before (?). And I can't distinguish wether it's the meds or my difficult life circumstances that are making me feel like I'm slowly drowning in the ocean. I have no motivation to go out and meet people. I do have the physical energy, but not the will to do so. Sometimes I'm just so uncomfortable with just being with myself with this symptoms (I can't get out of my head) that I simply want to be in my apartment, where I feel contained and protected.

These last three days I started to feel like I was no longer above water. I tend to spent most of the time in my apartment, on my bed (there's no sofa), looking at self care stuff on the phone just not to feel what is really going on in my life. I go out to buy groceries because I need to eat, I take walks because movement is important, I listen to (mostly sad) good music while Iie on my bed or do the dishes, and I sometimes work as a childminder, but it's not yet a steady job. That's all I do.

Again, on the days I don't work or don't have any appointment I feel the VOID, the nothingness are immense and I really think I would rather disappear, stop existing just so I don't have to live any of this.

i'm in therapy and I see a psychiatrist and I'm slowly learning to be truly honest with them and don't pretend I'm better than I actually am. However the last three weeks my therapist had been away and I miss her like crazy, although sometimes I'm not convinced we're a good match and therapy is actually moving very slow. But I'm so lonely that I cling to anybody who can be there for me. On the other hand, I guess I will probably have to change my meds, too, within the next days.

I need the help of professionals, I need to manage the relationship with my love ones better because I need to feel connected and I need their support. I need empathetic people that can support me in this hell I'm leaving to get out of the situation. No way I will do this alone, it's too painful.

But I can't wait to see the day when I'm myself again and I find pleasure in the simplest things, such as picking beautiful flowers from the park.

If you could help sharing what has worked for you in similar situations, or give some perspective or be available to chat about how to find solutions this would be great. It would also be useful to hear success stories on finding the right medication and support.

I have severe anxiety and mild depression.

Thank you 💜 🦋☀️

[gajh]

Hi Milliewaterlilly. Thank you for posting this update. It is good to hear from you. I am sorry you are suffering. I am here for you. I hope to talk to you soon.

[catsrock]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. Just know we get it. I think you should really listen to your intuition and maybe consider a different therapist. I know that is hard to have to start all over with someone - I just did recently - but it's making a world of difference that I now have someone who is very proactive about me getting better (my last therapist just kind of let me vent, but didn't really have a plan for my recovery). I'm so glad you are getting out for walks, etc..., as I think it's really good for your mental health to get out of the apartment when you can. What works for me is exercising, journaling, and reading. I hope you find some things that will help you.

[darksun]

hi Millie I can relate my life sounds very similar. The whole apartment thing drives me mad! I do a lot better when I work so I'm looking for more just to get out! I walk daily I'm trying to put in more of that as well. I recently decided to go back to church I'm new in my area so not sure which but I want to attend one. During the colder months I like to cook and watch movies I've missed during busier years it can be fun😊 Just remember we're all human and dealing with problems of some sort everyone in the world is! Such a big place! Hang in live day by day find your joy in simple things ❤️