I guess i have to go back to my accommodation but it's breaking my heart to leave my sister and Bob the rabbit and have to take care of myself in that state of mind i am.
I want the old summers of me and sis playing toghether and no such trouble. And before i seeked help everywhere and got myself some new people that ....well id rather have my sister than a new friend but she's out with her friends and if she's not she doesn't want to play with mom around...
Idk whether to go now or tomorrow...but i have to leave...i feel homeless...i can't stop crying...my family is broken and i have to either be alone in my cave of a ln accommodation in my uni city or depend on a new friend from there i met online. I hate to depend on people online but that's all that's been keeping me alive since 3-5 years. That's the best i have. My family is no longer support but a trigger. And i grieve that. And don't tell me to be cautious because i am terrified. Here someone murdered his ex gf and im terrified. I really am cautious, i really am scared, i really tried to fight alone. But now it's my life and sanity on the table. Believe me i hate it, i would much rather have my family support me but they're the trigger and also they're unable. They either drink or run away and shut down emotionally. Mom drinks, dad and sis think im crazy. I really grieve being with them instead of with new friends but i guess even without the problems i have to grow up, leave the nest and socialize with my peers. I'm terrified to tho. So don't tell me to be cautious, i already am on fight or flight. I already am from mom. I just want my home and my family back. And being a kid and playing with my sister while they're at work. I grieve it. I want to go back. I can't build an adult life with my own place, friends and taking care of myself. But that's what i have to do. So scared if my friends turn out psychopaths but i need someone desperately. I don't stop crying online, here, i go outside and cry till my neighbours notice. It's too much. It's too much pain. Too tough situation. Too complex. Too wounded. Too alone. Maybe im an attention seeker...no, im just losing it. I swear I'm losing it. I wake up and start crying. I can't even look at my mom.
And what my ex-therapist said (the Freudian one) that it's my fault dad left because i was growing up and being a girl (tho i don't feel like one) and not going outside (bullied at school) and sleeping in the same room with mom and sis (night terrors of bullies and one room appartment). Then grandma said she's drinking because of the divorce. So it's my fault they divorced and it's the divorce fault she started drinking so it's my fault she's drinking. And my bullies. And the poverty. And east European poverty, communism, brainwashing, no health care ( mental and physical). In Korea bullies get fired. Here they live life while my family and mental health are ruined. Where's God? Where's justice? I'm losing it, i swear. I'm now crying in the bathroom. Just woke up and started crying. Mom woke up too and i can't even look at her, she tried to hug me and tell me the "im stressed, i have no other way". Like im the bad guy for worrying. I can't stop these thoughts. She shouldn't see me in this state, she's gonna start excusing herself which hurts. It hurts. God, it hurts. It hurts. Should i go now or tomorrow? Should I try to move out or im too unstable? My therapist only made it worse. And my psychiatrist just says "do therapy, i can't give you a new family". Idk if im seriously anxious, depressed and traumatized or just my life sucks or both but im dying. I'm hiding in the bathroom because i can't even look at mom.
