An over week long panic attack

[bigcitycowgirlblues]

Hi all. I’m reaching out here because I don’t know where else to go. I’m working with a therapist, psychiatrist, my aunt who’s a life coach and my dad as a support system which I’m very grateful for, but I still feel so alone and fearful.

I have been sober from alcohol for about 5 years because of alcoholism, but these past years I haven’t given myself restrictions when it comes to drugs. The Xanax and weed is the only thing I’ve used regularly, but occasionally if once in a blue moon I go out for a late night club event with friends I will dabble in harder drugs.

I was already feeling extremely anxious probably the Wednesday before because I got the email that I needed to start physically going back into work. I live in NYC and so the trip to work is three separate trains carrying a large computer, avoiding crazy ppl left and right. It’s never a calming experience. I’m also at a place at my work where I’ve been there for 7 years but there’s been recent interpersonal issues that have made me feel like I’m on the chopping block.

The reason I had been gone from work is because I got one of two back surgeries I’m supposed to get this summer, the first being correcting my cervical stenosis by drilling out bone spurs in my vertebrae that were compressing the spinal cord. So from that I was also taking Oxy/acetametaphine 5mg/325mg for a few weeks.

Back to the night at the club, that was the Saturday after I got that email from work. I made what is usually a terrible decision and bought coke for the night. So I was with my friends doing the coke having a good time out and I asked to do some of my friends ketamine and stupidly stuck a whole straw in and snorted inside the bag. Immediately it was like my head was pushed back to looking at the ceiling that became a completely different place on earth, kind of an ancient Greco ceiling, I couldn’t make out anything. Not my friends voices or faces. I was in a different world. I came to who knows how long later starting to realize someone who I thought was an ancient pharaoh was actually my friend. And slowly realized I was in a stairwell puking in a bucket with three ppl feeding me water and getting me back into consciousness. I finally came to and they walked me home at 5am and then got me settled and left.

Ever since that night, over a week from today I have been in a panic state. My adrenaline is through the roof. I’m trying to take only one Xanax a day at this point but what it’s fighting is so strong it practically feels like a placebo. I’ve been taking some trazodone throughout the weekend too and it doesn’t even make me sleep, just sedates me a little. I haven’t had panic like this since my drinking days. I think this is the universe telling me it’s time, I’m 32, to leave the hard drug days behind. The misery has to be so horrible that I’ll be too fearful to do it again. I think my body is just in a state of fight or flight from those substances and the k hole, recent surgery, wanting to leave my job and thinking i may get fired, and maybe wanting to leave New York City after being here for 10 years and coming to terms with how scary that feels.

Im so scared im not going to be able to perform at my job this coming week. I had to take practically 3 days off last week because of this. I don’t know if I should take a leave of absence if that’s even possible and go to some kind of retreat or facility upstate or something. Im scared of all the meds I take and feel like I need a very concentrated re-evaluation. Or maybe I just need to push through and get to the other side of this myself? I don’t know what to do.

I also have a sweet little chihuahua to look after, another surgery august 4th which I’ll honestly probably cancel bc I don’t think my body can take it right now. Even though if i leave my job idk when I’ll have benefits again. My best friends bachelorette weekend July 25 and her wedding September 2nd in Kentucky.

What do you do when you can’t function in society? Even though u know every little step you take makes you stronger and that will be the thing that will probably get you through this?

I have three suicides in my family including my mother and her father. Is it valid that this family history can make you feel like giving up is always an option? My dad says I’m self -prophesying when I think that way, but it feels hard to get away from it. Life is so long and hard.. when I get in a super bad mental place like this I can’t help but wonder how ppl much less fortunate than me find the will to live, when sometimes I barely can.

I pray to god that this can’t last much longer and that my calm and my joy will come back tomorrow preferably!! Or at least some time in the next couple days. I want some resilience but right now I’m a shaky little pound puppy in the corner of its cage.

[Marysblue]

Wow you're such a strong person you've quit alcohol. You've been through a lot ,do you have a sponsor in AA can you go to a meeting.. Could you take a half of a Benadryl? Maybe it would get you some sleep. There are free meditation apps like insight timer to get on there and do some meditation and breathing work. Can you go walk or exercise or is your back still not fully healed? Perhaps take a long hot bath and detox all of that drug out of you.It will get better

[Artistfriend]

It sounds to me like you need to make alot of decisions about your life and the direction you want it to go. Taking drugs isnt a game you can win, your life isnt going to feel balanced and stable if you make the kinds of choices youve been making, it dosent surprise me that you feel terrible but theres always hope for change

[matifkk]

Hi, after knowing the things you told it seems like you are a fighter who can able to achieve anything you want. The problem you are facing is complex and maybe you should try outpatient detox program as there is no shortcuts you know. Keep your spirits high keep yourself busy.

[bigcitycowgirlblues]

Thank you guys for your words of support. The mornings are still hard with that rush of cortisol and i still have a low appetite, but I’m pulling through. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! This was meant to make me more resilient and make changes, I know it. Grateful and crossing fingers this is it.

[Chipotle]

If you are trying to stick to one Xanax daily you might consider taking a half then wait 4 hours and take the other half. Keep a small amount in your system without increasing. It helps me keep level.

[LDavis1993]

I would do a detox tea and drink lots of water and eat fruit. It’s refreshing. Stay away from the hard drugs. I had to learn that myself. All will be well.