Just really tired

[Loner41]

I haven’t posted in a while but I really just am bothered and it gives me anxiety just thinking about the situation I have set boundaries because of past event that have occurred over and over for many years a family member reached out to me and I just don’t have it in me to respond i always feel as if I don’t know what’s on the other side of my response I’ve been optimistic in the past thinking this will go well they start off with a pleasant text then after I respond it turns into them trying to trigger me in any way possible and they have even brought up trying to trigger me in a room full of people where there was no need for the conversation to even be had I became the subject to target I brush most things off as I’ve always been looked at as the black sheep so to speak so in the recent years of me working on myself and mental health I’ve set boundaries I had a conversation with them a few years back when I was really suicidal and they brushed off my mental health and proceeded to talk about regular things as if I had say nothing there is no communication so when they reach out I’m wonder why or what they are trying to pull from me in the conversation because I don’t share anything about myself or life with them anymore I feel as if they get antsy in trying to reach out just to be nosey that’s all I’m not good enough to be around them is how I feel it’s always been a thing of how am I making it without them anything I have or do if I don’t share it with them I must have gotten it or done it shady because I’m not capable of doing anything unless I had to have a man do it for me and they needed to know who what and all the details or attribute them in some way for what I have or what I’ve done I missed out on family events and trips because I worked multiple jobs while my daughter was growing up and I could afford to take off to go because of my bills then I was a joke for being a single mom which wasn’t by choice I use to ignore it because I was always thinking family but I found myself not totally being who I am around them and I am tired and I was tired then I just felt like I was living a lie I think my mother told everyone when we moved from where I’m from that my step dad is my father because when I’ve mentioned to some that my biological father past away when I was younger they look at me like I’m crazy or lying I have literally had to disconnect myself and set strict boundaries because of the disrespect it’s constant doing things to get a negative reaction out of me or just trigger me in anyway so I keep my distance because life has thrown me it’s own curve balls and my depression and anxiety is not a good fit to be around them I don’t have any hatred or anything towards anyone but I have to protect my energy, peace and some sort of sanity it’s not healthy and I have a good heart so I tend to reply in the past but it just bits me in the ass every time and the cycle starts over again I love them but I can’t I’m not the people pleasing type of person I do what’s best for me but they tend to get offended but it wouldn’t be that way if you didn’t keep up the chaos over and over I haven’t talked about this much but I’m just so tired of people aren’t gonna be good to you why do they keep trying to come around or reach out

[Believer21]

I have also been there with family members. You can intuitively tell when it is not for true concern and lacks true empathy b ut rather carries judgment and critisism. I unfortunately come from an indian family that has a toxic pattern like that. I have decided that my peace of mind is more important and I avoid engaging with these individuals and even when it comes to closer family members I engage with boundaries and choose to just be silent and look at them when they say inappropriate things and ask them if they feel their behaviour is necessary in an honest fashion. I have found that giving the hurtful comments to God helps me. I try to be kind and if they can not then I choose to be grateful that I can control my breath, my reaction and my ability to walk away. It has taken years of hurt and bad reactions and is still not easy but we can get there with practice.

[Loner41 in reply to Believer21]

thank you for sharing that with me I felt crazy for a long time but I just can’t go back to that anymore i my soul literally won’t let me

[Thankfulforhelp22]

Sometimes you have to make tough choices about people in your life who are toxic. It’s sometimes just self-preservation. You have a right to have people in your life that are positive and supportive.