what I mean is that people often respond with empty platitudes (that make them feel better for saying it) to your struggles like “you just gotta pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, “you’re just being negative, smiling helps” or something along those lines. Anytime I talk about my disabilities or mental illness with someone able and healthy, 9 times out of 10 they’ll give unsolicited advice or give some empty platitude out of pity. It’s like when people tell chronically ill people to “do yoga and drink water” to fix their problem. I’ve heard this crap from people all my life and constantly get told i’m just being “negative” and “things will get better”. I get that it comes from good intentions and I don’t expect them to completely understand but Im tired of everyone’s overwhelming unsolicited advice being “just be positive and love yourself uwu”. It’s so invalidating and makes me not want to tell them anything because I just wanted empathy or sympathy but instead I get bad advice or bs they would say to a child. My ligaments are noodles and im autistic, my problems aren’t going away by doing yoga and thinking happy thoughts.
is anyone else tired of the “just be ... - Anxiety and Depre...
is anyone else tired of the “just be positive” bs?
Hi, there. Yup! This is what I like to call gratitude shaming, which gives the impression that you don't have a right to feel anything other than happiness, bunnies, and unicorns. Gratitude is wonderful when it's practiced voluntarily, but when people try to blame and shame you into gratitude, then it becomes an inauthentic façade. You have the right to feel your feelings, and anyone trying to tell you to just "be happy" is tone-policing.
I feel the exact same way which has brought me to a point where anyone trying to make me feel better or tell me to be better just makes me nauseous. I'm not trying to get sympathy and I'm not trying to say my problems are bigger than everyone else's but I'm not going to pretend that medication, therapy, or everyone telling me to smile and stop acting hateful is going to make those problems go away. And honestly I've noticed a lot of those people who say that stuff to you when you're feeling down or have a bad attitudes literally do the same thing. Like my bitch grandmother has the nerve to criticize me-most often my weight and my hair. She's so ridiculously skinny that she looks like a skeleton and her her hair which USED to be a beautiful shiny shade of silver NOT grey, silver is now YELLOW from her years and years of smoking. And she does it in the house so it stays trapped in there. Sorry to be so blunt but she really is an example of these hypocrits. I have a bad attitude with most everyone I come across but at least I embrace every single one of my flaws. I often beat myself up for said flaws which I should stop doing but still. I embrace those flaws and don't sit there and pretend to be an angel. And you know my grandmother is a Christian and I can think of a couple of morality type rules in Christianity that she has broken and she continues to break every day. It's because of the people like her that I turned my back on religion. How are you going to criticize my attitude when you behave the same way? How are you going to criticize my appearance when you look worse than I do? Where do you get off? And then whenever this nonsense happens with my mom around she just sits there and doesn't even defend me or anything. And at some points she even agrees with her! So again where do you get off being critical of me and stuff with me that has nothing to do with you? Since when are you 2 experts on doing the right thing all the time and never having to feel bad about stuff? (Deep breaths) I'm sorry. I've gotten carried away and made this about me. But the point I'm trying to make here is I know how you feel. Especially because I have Autism too. Asperger Syndrome to be exact. If you need any help or advice from me please feel free to message me.
i feel you. people are can be so critical and think they know more or pretend they’re fine and project on others.
And the thing with my mom is she does it in such a subtle that she doesn't even realize she's doing it. And when you try to point it out to her she just gets even more upset because she's convinced that she's doing the right thing. As long as people are convinced that they are doing the right thing they won't change.
“as long as people are convinced they’re doing the right thing they won’t change” so true
kara951, the old "in one ear and out the other" can work wonders.
We can't stop what others say to us. 
xx
yes i understand i can ignore it, but it gets annoying when you’re told things like this your entire life by almost everyone around you. people telling me that im just being negative and need to do x,y,z to get better are part of the reason i didn’t think i was deserving of help as a kid.
Others don't get, they'll never get it but it's not worth getting upset over.
I so hear you how tiring it gets though xx
“not worth getting upset over” so you wouldn’t be upset at all if almost everyone around you told you it’s all in your head and you’re not allowed to think anything but positive thoughts” throughout your entire life?
I'm older than you and have heard it over the years. Have lost friends
because they just didn't understand. Finally decided I needed to take care
of me and not allow other's comments to bother me.
I cannot control what they say but I can control in how I react to it.
This took a lot of therapy to get to this point. I know it's not easy. xx
Hey, I get that. It just doesn't work that way. If someone has never been through mental illness, they wouldn't know the half of it. Those statements like just be positive, or the like can actually be quite damaging to someone who's struggling not only because they're not acknowledging one's thoughts and feelings, but also that is not a rational thought at that moment for that individual. Positivity, when it is disingenuous, can be toxic.
Yes, Im tired of it too. I think we need to learn who to give ourselves to and expose ourselves to on an emotional level. And also know when to do it, because some have the skills to help and validate our feelings and some people dont.
I totally agree. There's a lot of time I feel the need to talk to someone about my mental health but in that moment I can just foresee their responses and I would keep my feelings to myself. I don'twant people to pity me and feel like I'm crazy making excuses. Their responses would just make me feel worse than how I am.
Easier said than done! I also hate the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or Oh, just get over it! You know the drill. It's all BS from people uneducated about mental disabilities!!
It's like the worst thing you can say to somebody with anxiety/depression. Oh I just have to "be positive" and all my problems will resolve. I never thought of that. I've gotten into many backyard brawls after somebody would have the nerve to tell me "just be positive".
" My ligaments are noodles and im autistic, my problems aren’t going away by doing yoga and thinking happy thoughts."
Firstly, sorry to hear about the ligaments. As for you being autistic, and this is me being honest, I would NEVER have clocked you for being autistic; between word choice and clarity of message, you're actually better than a lot of people on here. <--- Really let that sink in.
I agree about the dislike of empty platitudes. I REALLY don't need to hear more, "We're in this together," and, "We'll make it through this," crap. Fact is, there are too many people that shy away from speaking truth for fear of being thought cruel, possessing "wrong-think", or being thought the villain.
Never be ashamed of your thoughts, and never permit the cowardly simpletons of the world to silence you. Thanks for the post.
Sometimes there are no easy answers to things. I really do believe, however, in not giving up hope. I try to find something and not get lost in a sea of sorrow.
Yes yes yes!!! My work is HEAVY on that (I’m an elementary school teacher so it’s not surprising lol) but it’s draining and makes me feel so much worse. So I feel ya, it sucks 💙
you teach about this?
Haha no, but teachers of kids in lower grades always seem to be permanently positive. We kind of have to be bc our kids are so little and need that energy, but the teachers bring that to other adults and it’s irritating. I’m not five so I don’t need to hear the fake happiness 😂
Theres a difference between just needing to get things off your chest/rant and actually wanting advice. Who you chose to have specific types of conversations with matters. For example an unemphatetic ear is most likely going to have that person spew the things you are not wanting to or needing to hear. Also being specific with what you are needing from whom ever you are choosing to talk to sets up the conversation and you'll get good at how to proceed with how much info you duvidulge and the old saying, expectations leads to disappointments rings true for myself.
Mental illness, chronic pain, disabilities in general is a very very complex subject. Know one is truly equipped to give us 100% understanding and knowing what to say. Even therapists can say the wrong things. I think our frame if minds at the time matters how we receive input no matter what that input is. I choose carefully who has the right ear to listen to me, but even then my reactions to that conversation could be different on any given day.
I've been at this most of my life, I'm 52 now my self, years of this I've sort of found the power of choice to let in what I want or need and excuse the rest should it be garbage, but this has taken years to master. I used to feel so much different as the rest if you, I think it gets better as you age, you reach a point being less reliant on others points if views, advice, you choose who you talk over your bad days with, being specific and up front may save you time and a ton of emotional energy spent afterwards being angry with people that didn't get it or give you exactly what you needed at the time. You'll get better at this.
I get that. It’s not like I rant to just anyone that listens, I choose who I open up to carefully and make sure I don’t unload everything on them or do it without warning. It’s difficult for me to know who I can trust being autistic though. I don’t expect perfect answers or for them to understand either but a “I believe you and im here for you” would be more than enough; you know? I have realistic expectations and I don’t expect them to do anything they aren’t capable of or willing to do. I can only hope I get better at choosing who i trust as I age despite being an autist because it feels like im walking through a mine field any time I socialize and get to know someone.
As hard as it is we do have to try and think positive for things to have a chance to improve and to give us motivation 😊
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