New Here, trying to find support

[crocophile]

Good Evening Everyone,

I'm new to this forum. Was directed to it after a self-pity party over at the suicide hotline gave me the link to this forum.

I'll try to keep it brief. I've been living with depression and anxiety for at least a decade at this point. I suppose, since my couples counsellor said it the other day, I can be considered "high functioning depressive" in that I wear a really convincing mask, hold a job, have achieved lofty goals (but I am far from deserving) and whatever other trivial nonsense we delude ourselves into thinking is important. But everyday is a constant mental turmoil that tells me I should just end it. I've been battling these things so long that I'm just tired. I wish I could allow myself to let my mask slip.

And the kicker, cause there is a kicker: I really have so much. I have a wife who cares deeply for me, a child and another on the way, home, a good job (that my passion wanes for), two families with stable parent situations, money in my bank account...the list goes on. So I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I do not have any reason to be walking around on a daily basis thinking of killing myself. I suppose a severe self-hatred is what I comfort myself with.

I feel like something needs to change. I need support. The white-knuckling that I've been doing, thinking that these things are normal needs to change. I honestly have been envisioning ways I can push my family away for good. Let them lead a happy life without me around because I am just a burden. I can't lean on them for support because that isn't sustainable. I'm in talk therapy, have been for the past 10+ years, been on meds (a whole host of 'em) for the same amount (maybe slightly less as I was a child of concerta and have a healthy side-eye for the pharmaceutical industry). But I don't know what support really looks like. I'm hoping to find that.

Anyway, I broke my promise and made this too long winded. Apologies. I found myself, after blowing up at my toddler the other day, sitting on the floor of my closet with a FMJ in my hand and an open action ready to receive it. I broke my wife's trust in that regard as I hadn't gotten that close since 2017 when I was briefly hospitalized after I wound up at the ER because I was staring at the business end of a loaded glock (my mother urged me to go to the ER as it was 4th of July and I didn't have anyone else to turn to). That led to a brief hospitalization where I raged that I couldn't be there because I had to be back at my research sites in 3 days for my PhD.

Fuck me, the self-pity never stops. Apologies.

[Hidden]

I don’t think of you as having a pity party. You’re just talking about what you’re going through. Stay away from the guns and weapons. And welcome to the site.

[crocophile in reply to Hidden]

indeed. I’m glad that I was able to resist the urge to even load my rifle, but I’m glad that I asked my friend to take it. All others are locked up from me

[Marysblue]

Welcome here. So sorry you're going through all this. I'm glad youre continuing to reach out for help. There is hope. There's treatments you haven't tried yet. Please keep searching. I'm excited about a new TMS called Saint. It's supposed to have amazing results. There's new treatments with psychedelics , deep brain stimulation that I haven't tried yet. I'm currently back on 5-HTP, you can find in a health food store. It's helping right now. Don't give up looking for the right doctor, the right treatment. There are many people on here that have found help. Go through and read some of posts. Watch YouTube videos on depression, Mindfulness. Be kind to yourself.

[crocophile in reply to Marysblue]

thanks for the welcome. My therapist said very similar things when I came clean yesterday. I’ve been looking into other therapies because talk therapy seems to potentially have reached its limit, maybe I haven’t committed hard enough to it, but I’m also constantly ruminating and searching for deeper meaning in my actions such that when I get to therapy it seems I’m just hearing what i already told myself. Maybe I’m just at a massive low point but I’ll keep searching

[designguy]

Hello and welcome, it sounds like you would benefit from working with a therapist on your own besides your couples therapy to help you investigate and understand your conscious and subconscious beliefs about yourself and life. It also sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure and unhealthy expectations on yourself which is increasing your issues. You may also benefit from medication if you are not currently taking anything.

Another thing you might consider is that you may be focused on getting approval for your external accomplishments/achievements which is unsustainable and somewhat shallow. You might consider and find it helpful to start cultivating your spiritual side which can also lead to developing and cultivating gratitude for your life and all of the aspects of it. I've been amazed at how cultivating and practicing gratitude has enriched and deepened the quality of my life and joy of being alive.

[crocophile in reply to designguy]

oof, you nailed a big part of my issues. I’ve been through cbt and try to employ it, but I have a massive tendency to always dismiss the positive, and seek that validation while simultaneously rejecting it.

Have been in therapy for somewhat my whole life (given being part of the Ritalin generation) but much more over the past decade. Maybe I’m not trying enough, being to complacent and I need to buckle down, or maybe just I’ve been defeated temporarily and need to rebuild.

Either way, I’m cutting back on drinking. It isn’t that it’s a crutch, I don’t drink daily, but I can drink a weeks worth of beers in a night, especially if socializing.

I appreciate the reply and suggestions!

[designguy in reply to crocophile]

You're welcome, you might also check out perfectionism and see if it fits you, if it does it is definitely working on healing it and accepting that part of yourself for peace of mind.

[Willow2022]

Gosh we have the same thoughts. I too have a wonderful husband, two great kids, financially stable, loving family and … emptiness. When I hit a depression low I don’t want to be around my family; I want them to go away and live happy lives without me. Sound familiar? But that is the exact opposite of what happens to your loved ones if you die. Period.

Sometimes you have to go back a few steps. Therapy isn’t linear and different life events can make you have a set back. I hear that voice in my head telling me daily that I am worthless and at fault for everything negative that happens. When that voice gets too loud, I do my (oh I hate them) worksheets from my therapist and break it all down. I’m not worthless because we can’t find a house to buy right now, but I still feel that way and need to remind myself of why my thoughts are lying to me. Thoughts aren’t facts.

Please continue to try. Sometimes I have to just make it through the day, hour, minutes until it eases. We are all here for you 💜