I'm new here; Trying to find support ... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

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I'm new here; Trying to find support any where I can

mommabear0206 profile image
37 Replies

So I just recently found this website. I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for quite a few years and have always been at war with myself about being able to keep a handle on it on my own. I have always been the person to so many people in my life that is able to keep it all together and remain strong through the storm. But lately I feel like my life is the storm. I have been having terrible mood swings lately and all I want to do is sleep. I have 2 beautiful and healthy children who seem to be the only thing that makes my world bright anymore. My husband doesn't understand, therefore, doesn't know how to be supportive in a way that I need him to be. I don't really know why lately, but it literally feels like my life is falling apart. I question whether or not I am ever going to be able to be truly happy with my husband. Am I staying with him for the kids? Would I be better off going back out on my own and not trying to fake a smile for someone who doesn't even seem to try to understand? Can I be what my kids need me to be if I stay? I don't know. There are times when things seem good, but it is starting to feel like there is more bad than good. For so long I continued to just do what needed to be done and tried to just be what everyone needed from me. But I feel like whatever strength I had, that everyone but me seemed to see, is fading, FAST. I know that I need to try to search for the positive, find the good, but things just seem really dark right now, and even the batteries in my flashlight are tired...

37 Replies
CatIsMyCopilot profile image
CatIsMyCopilot

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You mentioned being at war with yourself to keep a handle on it. Have you ever reached out for any help from a doctor or therapist? They can help guide you in terms of different approaches to the problem e.g. coping mechanisms for anxiety, or even medication if the severity warrants it.

If you can even find a friend you can vent to, that might help too.

Just don't feel you have to deal with this all by yourself. (Also, welcome to the site!)

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to CatIsMyCopilot

I have a good friend that is there and very supportive when I reach out, that's usually the problem, I wait longer than I should. I recently started going back to therapy again, only issue with that is I can't go as often as I probably should because I don't have insurance and it gets a little pricey. But finding this website and seeing some of the people on here and the support and open conversations about some of the same things I feel myself struggling with looked like something that could be helpful as well. I am currently on a medication regimen but I don't think that it is the right one, or at least it doesn't seem to be and it has been almost 3 months now. I am going to continue trying to figure that part out and trying to hold on to the fact that one day I will feel normal again. Thank you for the reply :)

RockClimbing profile image
RockClimbing

Good morning Mommabear0206. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I have been in a very similar situation. It’s not easy being the momma. Do you have a therapist? If you don’t, that might be a good step. It’s helpful to have someone to talk with and work things out. What I’ve learned is that it’s okay to take care of you and your feelings and needs matter. Maybe your husband would be willing to go to therapy with you?

Give yourself a hug 🤗

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to RockClimbing

Hello, I do have a therapist that I recently started seeing again, I don't see her as often as I should due to not having insurance and it being a bit expensive, but I am trying to save and see her as often as I can. I am also currently on a medication regimen but I don't think that this is right one. I have mentioned therapy with my husband but he is very hesitant about it, he has had bad experiences with therapists in the past. He has gone to one with me reluctantly but it didn't seem to be very beneficial because it was kind of obvious that he didn't want to be there. It is hard to get someone who does not suffer from mental illness to understand what you are going through. I found this website and saw some of the conversations and the openness and support from all of the other people on here and I think that maybe this could be a good place to be able to communicate with other people who, at least, understand. Thank you for your reply :)

RockClimbing profile image
RockClimbing in reply to mommabear0206

I completely understand. My therapist has a sliding scale and tries to work with her patients. This is a great group of people! I am new here also. I was being careful when I last replied because I have no confidence that I can be helpful. But, I have been in your exact situation minus the meds. I am happy to listen and be here for support.

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to RockClimbing

Thank you!! Sometimes I think that is the best and most helpful thing when it comes to depression and anxiety. Just knowing that there are others out there that understand and that you can talk to. Being able to remind yourself that you are not alone in this, no matter how lonely it feels sometimes. I totally understand what you mean about not knowing whether or not you can help being a sufferer as well, but I think that is when, in some cases, you can help the most... the ability to relate. I hope, too, that I can be an ear (or eyes) for others on here as well, and just be a part of something to help us all lift each other up. <3

RockClimbing profile image
RockClimbing in reply to mommabear0206

I agree 100%. Life gets pretty lonely and having people who care definitely makes it better.

sweetiepye profile image
sweetiepye

It has always seemed unfair to me that the person with the mental health issue has to educate family and gain their support to fight and endure, Depression and anxiety separate us from others , we become isolated and feel alone. I have had to work to get my husband to understand what I go through. It has taken awhile, but it's been well worth it. I think part of the problem was he didn't know what to do and felt like a failure. Sometimes I only wanted him to listen when he felt he had to solve my problems. I started taking him to my Drs. appointments with me. This helped his understanding and he would be my back up memory. I don't include him in my therapy. I need that for me and my fears although I tell him enough to keep him in the know. So keep your immediate family tight around you . You need their love and support. Your children can be part of your team too. Even a young child can understand that Mommabear has a problem and could use some help. No arguing or doing something simple for you. It will calm their fears of not knowing what is happening and prevent them from blaming themselves. I don't know if this is something you want to do, but I do know you will feel better if you and your family are on the same page. Hopefully this will rebuild your spirit. You may be a bit of a people pleaser, do you have a hard time saying no? Now would be a good time to be focused on you. I have rambled, but know that you are welcome here. You can post as often as you wish and many will offer advice and support. You will be glad you came, we are. Pam

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to sweetiepye

I hadn't really thought about it that way; then he doesn't feel like he is the one that is getting therapy but able to hear and see things that I am going through to maybe be able to understand better. As far as my children are concerned, I guess I felt like it was better to keep them from having to deal with these issues because they are kids, but what you say makes sense also. Letting them be in the know about what I am going through, to an extent, that way they don't feel like it is their fault that I am upset some days, or help them understand some times why mommy is extra tired or just having a rough day. There are some days when a hug from them seems to be the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better, it would make sense to let them in on the why. Thank you very much for reaching out and for your advice. Even in the 2 hours since finding this site, I can already see that this is going to be a wonderful place! I only hope that at times I can be that help for someone also. And, yes, I am usually the one that is trying to make everyone else happy at my own expense. I am just recently getting myself to realize that I have to take care of me too. Besides, can't help others if I'm not healthy. Thank you so much sweetiepye!!

sweetiepye profile image
sweetiepye in reply to mommabear0206

You are so welcome. I have received so much help myself and continue to do so. There are many lovely people here reaching out. I see Neuronerd below, one of the lovelies . lol

NeuronerdDoaty profile image
NeuronerdDoaty

Welcome💐

I can totally understand and sympthesize. I am the primary care giver in my family. I have three wonderful children ages 1, 7, and 9. I am the one who puts them to bed, I am the cook, I am the one who helps with the homework. My 7 year is dyslexic, so it takes twice as long to help her. I am the one who takes the kids with me when we run errands. When the kids wake up in the middle of the night they come to me. My wife sleeps in the basement because she doesn't want the kids to wake her up. and on top of this, I work a full time job. I too am the one who keeps it all together. When I get sick, dinner is take out and no homework gets done. So I know how you feel because eventually I had a nervous breakdown. But there is some hope that you should consider first. I have realized that when you have kids, your relationship with your spouse changes significantly, not worse, just different. It is especially tough when the kids are young 4 or younger. It does get easier once the kids are over 4. They play on on their own, they are in school. After kid #2, I was ready to divorce my wife. I decided that if we were going to divorce, I wanted to be as kind as possible to her and get rid of the hurt and anger in my heart. Because even if we were to divorce, I would still care a lot of hurt and anger towards her. It was really really hard, but I decided that I was going to make sure to compliment her at least 5 times a day. and to tell her she looks beautiful every morning. This was really hard especially when in my heart I was so upset and angry. But, I made a mental shift, instead of thinking of everything she doesn't so, I made a mental list of everything she does do. She does the clothes shopping, she cleans the bathroom. I found myself becoming more grateful and less hurt. What I found was that the more kind I was to her, the more kind she was back to me. Five years later our marrriage is much stronger, to the point where we had another child. It is hard to tell from your post if you are just exhausted from being a parent and need a vacation and sleep or marriage counseling, or you need counseling for anxiety. I think you need a weekend to yourself to think about what is the source of your anxiety and depression and then you can try to figure out the next steps. For me, once a month I go out with friends, fully knowing that my wife is going to feed them pizza and let them stay up too late. But you know, what the kids won't die and I get a night out to relax. Marriages can be saved, but the sooner you start trying to save it the better. Proud Papabear of 3

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to shawshankredemention

I resonate so much with everything you said! Granted, my husband doesn't sleep elsewhere to keep from getting woke up, but he is not the one to step up to help unless asked. Which, I guess, could be worse. He could be not willing to help at all. But I am the one who carries the majority of the day to day things. I keep the house cleaned up, make sure meals are made, get the kids ready to school every morning. It is me that they come to when they don't feel good or need help with something, which I don't mind, but there are times when I look at them and am baffled at the fact that they walked right by the other grown adult in the house to get me to open their water bottle. I am the one that gets up with them early in the morning on the weekends while he stays in bed and sleeps a few more hours. I think it is kind of a combination of both. I need some time to myself and we also need help being able to reconnect. I am getting counseling for my anxiety and depression and trying to work on myself. But I long so much for my husband to do those things for me. Compliment me and remind me that he loves me and that I am still important as well. But maybe I need to take your approach and try to start doing those things for him more, as you did for your wife, and that might in turn make him think to do those things for me again as well. I don't want my marriage to end, I don't want to feel like I am only with him because he is the father of my children. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with my husband. My children will grow and one day leave. I want there to still be an US when that happens. Definitely something to think about and work on myself and see how I can start the repair and see how that follows. Thank you sooooooo much!!!

It was very hard for me but, I had to learn, to say when my kids when they walked right pass by wife to come to me to say, "go ask your mother". Sometimes I actually physically picked up the kid and put them in front of my wife and said, "don't worry mom can help you." I still remember one morning when I was sick, my wife didn't know how to make pancakes and hashbrowns. yes she burned them, but she also learned how to do it too. Marriage is tough and I had to look at myself too . I had to learn to give up control and let my wife do it her way .....and be ok with the fact that it might take her longer, she might do it differently, or sometimes even "wrong" (different is not wrong). I had a really hard time with that. I wanted it both ways. I wanted her to help more, but I also wanted her to do it the way I wanted. I had to let go and I am still working on it. In the beginning I actually had to leave the house for 30 minute walk or go out for and hour, otherwise I was always stepping in to help because it wasn't being done the way I wanted. The other things that really helped our marriage was planning two date nights a month, because usually one was canceled due to a sick kid or sick parent. The other thing we did is who ever planned the last date night, it was the other person's responsiblity to plan the next one. even if it is just going out for hour for coffee. I am not saying everything is perfect in my marriage, but it is a hell of a lot better than it used to be. Young children are extremely stressfull, especially when you lack sleep, but it won't always be that way. We also started small, with just a simple hug before we left for work. Good luck

Oh one more thing, when I say that not everything in marriage isn't perfect... it never will be. Marriage is two imperfect people living together and learning to accept and love each inspite of our imperfections.

Agora1 profile image
Agora1 in reply to shawshankredemention

Very well said shawshank.... my best to you and your family. :) xx

one last thing. I am a teacher, so I am very blessed to be able to spend so much time with my children. At times, it doesn't feel like a blessing because the kids always come to me first. But I try to remind myself, that I have a gift that I get to spend so much time with my children.

As a teacher we are trained everyyear about how to deal with difficult behaviour with kids. We teachers laugh in that we have found the trainings to be more helpful in our marriages than in the classroom. When you compliment your spouse, it needs to be 1. specific, 2.share your emotion and 3. most importanly be genuine. It can't be a fake compliment. For example, don't say "thanks for your help this morning." Instead say, " I noticed you tied Jane's shoe. That was kind and I really appreciate that." Instead of saying "thanks for the work around the house." Say, " I saw you spend an hour mowing the lawn. I am sure you'd rather be doing something more fun, I appreciate what you do for our family." Instead of "thanks for putting the kids to bed. " It was really helpful when I asked you to read books to the kids. Seeing you and kids reading together made me smile." In the beginning my wife was honestly confused by my compliments, I think she thought I was up to something. Our communication had broken down so badly that we were distrustful of the others intentions. It took a good 6 months before I began to see my wife reciprocate and start complementing me. It made all the world to me to have her notice the sacrifices I was making and to thank me for it. Good Luck, It can get better.

Ok, one truly last thing. During that 6 month period there were many times that I wanted to scream at her instead of compliment her. and that was really really hard, sometimes my heart was truly filled hurt and anger. But it really did paid off in the end, we eventually have gotten to the point where in the morning I can say to "When you hug me in the morning, it makes me feel loved." It was worth the work. Good Luck

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to shawshankredemention

A piece of each "one last thing" lol hit a specific nerve in what I am going through with my husband! It is almost as if it is exactly the same life only gender reversed! I can't thank you enough for all of your advice and tools to work on making my marriage better, for both of us. It is definitely something that I am going to have to work on and I know for myself it is going to be hard, but it all sounds like something that is "simple" in terms of putting it into play and seeing what happens. If I love my husband as much as I believe I do, then he is worth it. My marriage is worth it! And I truly believe that if we can make that change in our relationship it will also help our relationship with our children. Being able to let them see us happy, together, instead of us either arguing or just not speaking to each other. Being able to be happy about spending time with them instead of being frustrated with the other adult and not being able to truly enjoy playing a game with them or reading a book. You taking the time to say all of these things and share these things with me means so much more than you know! I hope that your marriage stays healthy and happy and that you are blessed for being, what seems like, a wonderful person, spouse and father!! Thank you so much!

Beachytoes2u profile image
Beachytoes2u in reply to mommabear0206

Sorry to butt in, but this sounds like it's going great for ya Hugh? A lot of great advice, cuz we've all been there dragging etc like you, happy 4 ya....tips tips

Rachel2535 profile image
Rachel2535

I went through a period of time where I faked it for years. It all caught up to me when I was pregnant with my fourth. I was the person everyone went to and had to keep it all inside and well that back fired. Its true what they say things that we bottle up will get out somehow. I ended up talking to someone and talking about what I was going through. Your taking the first steps that is awesome. Don’t stop here reach out and get some counseling. I found that building my faith in Christ was the best thing for my depression and anxiety. I pray you can find peace and the help you need. -Rachel

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to Rachel2535

Thank you. I actually started attending a church near our home recently also and I have noticed that when I go it really seems to have a positive impact on my mood for a while afterward. I am also going to counseling again which also seems to help quite a bit after. Hopefully the more I go and the longer I stay going and using the tools and keep working on speaking my truth and sharing my emotions that the positive feelings will last longer and longer. I am always the one to jump in and do everything I can to help others but for some reason I seem to think that I shouldn't need anyone else to lean on. That's where I have to remind myself that I am wrong. I have a few very close friends who are also always reminding me of that. They have my back and don't make me feel like I am burdening them when I have a problem or am just having a bad day, and they always seem to be able to life me back up without even really realizing it. I hope we all can continue to improve and heal and be able to say that, at least most of the time, that we are all happy.

crowningglory19 profile image
crowningglory19

I'm so sorry you are going thru this, eve, the strong need rest and to be encouraged. It's good that you keep a positive attitude, keep doing that and avoid negative people right now, get strong yourself first. Some things that help are the following: chamomile helps but even more magnesium malate does the job. It calms the mind body and spirit and ginseng gets rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop around and around. Also, turning on a favorite audio that is calm and Also, relax all the muscles around your eyes, you can't think deep thoughts without furrowing your brow, so relaxing stops them. Weird I know ,but it works. Best to you in these!

How are you doing? I hope that you have found some peace with the counseling and attending church. Hope things are getting better.

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to shawshankredemention

It has been helping; Things have been crazy over the last few weeks. We ended up having more issues at our daughters school, this has been going on for a few years and we have been trying to get help through the school system but it doesn't seem to be working; So my husband and I have now decided to just sell our house and move to get her out of there. So now, on top of my own mental struggle, I am going through the things needed to sell our house and we have been house hunting for a new house. Thankfully we have found one that we both love but all of the stress of scheduling inspections and paperwork and packing... I feel like my brain is being pulled in a thousand different directions. I have reached out to my closest friend and been able to find solace in being able to get things out talking with her. But the stress level at times feels like it has reached its peak. I am trying to find, at least, small moments each day to close my eyes and give myself a moment to calm down. Deep breaths, a favorite song, anything for myself for just a second. Also reminding myself that by Thanksgiving, this part will be done and I will be able to breath again. I have noticed that if I have some sort of timeline to focus on it helps. Thank you for reaching out, sorry to ramble, I hope you are doing well also.

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. Selling a house and packing up a house is very stressful. We just did it 4 years ago. It isn't fun, and honestly, the holidays are stressful as it is. Stay focused. Your goal is to help you daughter. It is great that your husband is on board. It would have been worse if that the two of you disagreed about the move. That is a blessing. I started using an App on my cell phone call Calm. It is$35 a year. I have found it very helpful. I do 10 minutes of breathing practice and 10 minutes of guided meditation. It is especially helpful when I am too busy with life and can't make it to my counselor. Make sure you get sleep and at the very least try to find some time for yourself each day. I was reading that on average parents only get 32 minutes to themselves each day. If you get your sleep and exercise, it might be easier for you to find the source of your depression. I have to say that one of the things that really does help me, is realizing I am not alone in the struggles of life, kids, marriage. By coming to this site everyonce in a while it reminds me of the importance of finding the little blessings each day. We can focus on the bad things that are out of our control or we can focus on the good things we have control over. Good luck with the move and be patient with yourself, your husband and your kids.

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice. It has all been quite a stressful experience and I am trying so hard to stay calm and not over stress and not be able to be there for the kids through this too. It helps that my mom lives close by so we have been able to stay with her while the house is getting emptied out. I am just ready for this part of the process to be over so we can get into the new house and start making it our home. My daughter is excited about starting at the new school, a friend of hers goes there and really loves it! My husband has been very helpful with everything since this started, which has been nice. There has been a change with his job which has kind of put a wrench into things financially with us making this move, but we will get through it. Seems like there's always something, just have to breathe for this too shall pass. I keep reminding myself that by Thanksgiving this should all be behind us and we will be able to sit down as a family in our new home and enjoy each other. I hope all is going well with you also. I hope that things continue to look up for you and your marriage as well!! Coming on here has really been nice to read and share with so many people that really understand how I am feeling and being able to maybe be helpful to someone else in the process is great. Thank you so much for all of your support.

shawshankredemention profile image
shawshankredemention in reply to mommabear0206

Yes, breathe this too shall pass. The last few weeks have been stressful, I am tired of helping my kids each day with homework, tired of cooking dinner and cleaning up, tired of getting the kids out the door in the morning for school. I have been feeling a breakdown coming on and I didn't listen to my body. Halloween put me over the top. This morning I couldn't go to work today. I feel like I failed my family, I started having minor panic attacks. I feel unappreaciated when it seems like I do everything. But my wife did put all the kids to bed last night and she got them all dressed and out the door on her own. I don't give her enough credit. I step in too fast. Unfortunately I have to have a breakdown to get to the point where I step back. I have to be kinder to myself and realize tomorrow will be another day. I just want to be the "perfect" parent and that's the problem.

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to shawshankredemention

I can relate to that in spades!! I am sorry that you have gotten to that point, it is hard to not beat yourself up over things that you are so used to doing that all of a sudden you just can't. I know it is easier said than done (myself being the pot calling the kettle black) but don't be so hard on yourself. Whether you see it or not, you are the "perfect" parent to your kids, they don't see the "failures" that we see. I too am bad about jumping in too quickly and not letting my husband be able to deal with things when they happen. But when I finally break he shows that he has no problem keeping everything going. Usually my problem is that he doesn't do them the same way I do, but I have tried to remind myself over the years that my way isn't the only right way. I completely understand what you mean though about it all. I hope that you get to feeling better soon and are able to get back to yourself. And try to remember that you deserve some peace and quiet time also, you don't always have to be the one to carry all of the load. I have had to relearn how to do that, but now I will take usually at least one day every other week or so to get away and just spend some time with a friend or something that helps me feel like me again and not just a mom or wife. All the best to you and your family!!!

shawshankredemention profile image
shawshankredemention in reply to mommabear0206

Thank you for the advice. I really do appreciate it. This week has been really tough. If I may ask. You said in your first post you have been dealing with anxiety and depression for a few years. What do you think is the source of your anxiety and depression?

I ask because I am struggling this week trying to figure out things. My wife is a kind person, but it seems that when the shit hits the fan everyone comes to me. We have 3 kids, 9, 7 and 1. For my oldest kids, I took to and picked them up from daycare for 6 years. It was so stressful trying to get the kids dressed, out the door, to daycare, rush to work. I teach so then I deal with highschool students all day, and then I pick up my kids from daycare come home. Cook dinner, feed them, bath them and then my wife would come around 6ish from work. I did this for 6 years. My middle daughter was cholic so she cried non-stop from 6 months to 2 years. My oldest hated the crying so she would cry. My oldest was so attached to me that when she was a baby, so would only take a bottle from me and not my wife. So when I picked up my middle daughter to stop her from crying, my oldest daughter would start crying because I picked up my middle daughter. I really felt I faced this alone. Now my two oldest children are best friends and things are good. With our third child my wife and I agreed that she would take him to take care and I would pick up. Well, this week my said that it was too difficult getting him dressed, fed and out the door so that she could get to work and she asked if we could take turns taking to him daycare in the moring. I lost it. I don't know what to say. I was like I did this on my own for 6 years, you haven't even done it for 1 year and you already are asking me to take turns. She said, well it is only fair if we take turns. It made me so upset. She has no idea what I went through with the first two kids. Our thid child is the easiest of the three and she can't handle it? She sleeps in the basement because she doesn't want to be woken up by the children at night.

I feel stuck right now. I fully admit that if you were to meet my wife on the street you would say she is a wonderful person. She works hard at her job. She loves the kids and loves playing with them.(she doesn't love being the "bad" parent making them do their homework and get dressed.") . I am public school teacher so I have seen plently of parents who struggle, or parents on drugs, or abusive, or alcoholic. My wife is none of these. But I feel like all the child raising falls on my shoulders which makes me resentful, but then I feel like, "what am I expecting?" She is human just like the rest of us.

I know I should take my own advice and focus on her positive traits. I fully believe that if focus on the flaws of our spouses we will be divorced in 6 months. But if we constantly thank our spouses for their good traits we will be more thankful and appreciative of our spouses despite their flaws.

Sorry for the long email. But I just needed to get this off my chest and I cant' tell my friends or family.

P.S. I hope you tell your husband how thank ful you are for his help in selling your house and moving. We did that 4 years ago and it is really stressful on a family. I am happy for you children. Good luck and thank you.

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to shawshankredemention

I am so sorry it took me so long to be able to respond to this. It has been crazy at home with trying to get back to normal from the move and the holidays coming at me like a freight train. You know, reading your comments and messages, at times I have to stop and check to make sure I am not reading a message I wrote instead. I feel everything you are saying so personally, and I wish I had better answers to give, because I feel like I am fighting to find the same answers myself. There are times when it seems like my husband is doing everything he can to help me feel like we are equal in this. Then there are other times when it seems like he has no problem sitting back and watching me tread water to keep everything together. I get that we are different people and that everyone handles stress differently, but I shouldn't have to feel like I am doing it alone. If that is the case then what is the sense in being married? At least then I would have one less person to clean up after and deal with in the thick of the chaos. But then I stop and think and remember why I love him and why I want him there. It isn't easy, and there are times when that still doesn't feel like enough, but usually then I try to get away from the house long enough to clear my head before I explode and then work through it the best I can. That's about the only answer I have found for now. But to read and know that I am not alone in this and that I am not crazy for thinking some of these things, certainly helps make me feel better and know that I am not in this alone, others out there are fighting this battle with me!! Hope all is good with your family and that your holidays are filled with happiness and joy!!

shawshankredemention profile image
shawshankredemention in reply to mommabear0206

Thanks for the response. It is appreciated. Though please don't feel obligated to respond. I started coming to this site about 7 months ago to talk with others who have panic attacks. I have learned that when I do too much, put too much responsibility on myself, get too little sleep, I have a breakdown. They last somewhere between one week and 3 months before I get back to my normal self. I have slowly grown to see my own hand in bringing these episodes on by not taking good care of myself physically and mentally. So by sharing my story and listening to others it helps remind me to be kind to myself and make sure to not only be gentle with myself, but to stop and smell the roses even in the middle of chaos. So it has been helpful to know that I am not alone and that others struggle with the balance of life, marriage, and kids.

Things are better, it was a just a bad two weeks when my wife told me she couldn't take our son to daycare because it was too hard. So I really completely understand the feeling of what is the sense of being married when you feel so alone in your struggles to raise the kids. I am already doing most of it on my own so why be married? So, I finally manned up and my wife and I sat down and had a mature talk and she agreed that she would continue to take him to daycare. I am just sensitive about the past, which is something I need to let go of. But I also have to make sure I clearly ask for help when I need it and how to divide of the responsibilities of keeping house and raising kids. I have found that it is very easy to list everything that I do, but harder to see it through the eyes of your spouse and see what they do.

I have gotten back to my golden rule of sincerely looking for and complimenting my wife 5 times before I criticize. The other tough thing is accepting that things will not always be 50/50. There will be times where one spouse does more of the heaving lifting. It is easy during these times to begin to feel alone and neglected. It is hard to sit down and share in a productive way with your spouse how you feel... even more hard if your spouse doesn't get it or understand. But I do know that in the core people there is goodness. When I look for this, I truly see what a good person my wife is. Does she let me down? Yes of course she does. Will she let me down in the future? Of course she will. Why? Because she is a bad person,....No, because she is human and like all of us she fails... and fails again... But I know at her core she wants the same thing as me, a loving marriage and to raise our children in a home of love. When I take time to really think about that, it is easy to love her in spite of her faults, and I hope that she in turn loves me, in spite of my faults.

Well good luck, the packing will eventually end, and the kids too get older and more self sufficient. I found that at age 6 and 8, it became much much easier.

Have a restful holiday season and take time to stop and just enjoy the beauty of your family.

mommabear0206 profile image
mommabear0206 in reply to shawshankredemention

Thank you! Just, thank you! For all of your kind, inspirational and wise words! I hope you and your family have a wonderfully blessed and happy holiday and a great start to another year!!!

Mrspjsmom profile image
Mrspjsmom

I have two grown children and used to beat myself up all the time about whether I was a bad mother because of my anxiety and depression. Funny thing is the things I thought were my worst "sins" as a mother are things they don't even remember. I hope you have a good therapist and someone who supports you. Just try to remember we are all doing the best we can.

shawshankredemention profile image
shawshankredemention in reply to Mrspjsmom

Thanks for your sharing. I struggle with trying to be the perfect dad. I am paranoid of letting my family down. I also have anxiety about worrying about my children getting hurt. I want to be able to bubblewrap them. Hearing about your grown children helped me. Thank you

WriterG profile image
WriterG

Mommabear...you sound so sad! Let me first say I truly do understand how you feel as I've been through most of what you shared. So, know you're not alone if that's any help. To address what you said, it does seem like you've been the one there and strong for everyone and now you're the one in need. It's really easy to fall into the trap of dealing with everything and everyone on your own and acting like it's all wonderful and rainbows. I don't think I know anyone who can do that well forever. I certainly tried, really damn hard. I learned I'm basically a control freak who will do everything myself because no one else can do it the right way! Me too, my husband doesn't get it. I swear I could be lying on the floor with a knife sticking out of me and blood all over the place and after walking over my body for a while, he might finally say, "What's wrong, NOW?" OMG, if I hear that word NOW once more.....so yeah been there, still there. Yous said you have two beautiful and healthy kids. Me too and when they were young, they were my entire life, the reason I breathed! I stopped working to stay home and raise them and when #2 was little I did work sometimes, part-time, but basically, I was here for them 24/7. I nursed both for about 3 years, and when they started school, I volunteered so I was always around them. I could never understand how a mother could put a 6-week old baby in daycare and go on with her career. (No haters please.) I took a good 8 - 10 years out of my life devoted solely to them. It was horrible financially, but later on, when they got older I went back to school, got my degree, and started a freelance writing business. (They are 32 and 29 now, boys, actually men.) Anyway, I've gone through all the emotions and questions you've mentioned. My husband isn't exactly easy to live with but after 33 years, I'm not going anywhere now. For many years, however, I felt really bad because he can be mean and doesn't realize how his words made me feel. It took a good long time for me to understand that is how he was raised. His father would sooner beat him than say anything nice. He was the oldest of 4 so he got the most crap. I finally realized the things he says are just that and not meant as bad as they sound. The problem is that I was not raised like that, as my dad never verbally, physically, or emotionally abused my mom or us kids, I didn't get it. Anyway, fast forward many years, and somewhere I decided I don't care about what he said. I am not a b%^tch, or worse, and once I decided his words weren't going to affect (or is it effect?) me, then things changed. But, you said your husband doesn't understand. You didn't say anything else bad about him. There could be 100 reasons why he doesn't understand. How have you approached these subjects? Maybe a third party can help. If a person hasn't experienced depression, etc. and hasn't been raised in a family like that it can be difficult for them to understand because mental illness is not something we can see or touch. They are feelings and many people are of the mind that we just need a good kick in the ass. I suffered from undiagnosed ADD until I was 45 and that was probably the hardest part. I've been depressed on and off since I was a teen, but there are so many levels and aspects to ADD (especially the Inattentive type) that no one who doesn't have it or has a kid with it will ever understand. I even tried to explain it to my parents. here I was an adult woman with kids, etc. and still worrying about how mommy and daddy think of me. My mother never did get it. Okay, I'm rambling sorry. So, questions. Have you seen a doctor of any kind about your depression and anxiety? Are you on any meds? If not, make an appointment. This is the first thing. I tried dealing with all this myself and it nearly destroyed me. Now, I take lots of meds and I'm not ashamed about it. How old are your kids? Do you work, or are you home with them most of the time? If so, you need some time for yourself. Despite what I said above it wasn't always good for them that I was always around. Plus, I forgot what adult conversation was like for many years. You need to do something for yourself. Being a wife and mother is good and fine but 24/7 and it can make you crazy. How old are you? I have a feeling you're rather young. I'm not saying this for any reason other than it's hard when you're young. I was 34 and 38 when "R" and I had our sons. This was not the first go-round for either of us. Truth be known, I've been married 4 times and had a son when I was 19. So, I have one that's almost 48! Yeah! I don't know anyone else other than celebrities married and divorced this many times. I've been married to this one for 33 years and it hasn't been easy. Hell, I'm not easy. You said you don't know whether you want to stay married, etc. I totally get it and way back when things didn't go my way, the first time I was out. Looking back I don't know I suppose much of it was my fault but whatever. I would suggest you don't make any life-altering decisions while you're in this mood. Get yourself to a doctor and possibly on antidepressants and antianxiety meds. They can be very helpful and might shed new light on things. If you want to talk further, feel free to message me directly. I will happily share the types and names of the better antidepressants as some can have bad side effects. Anyway, sorry for the rambling I hope some of this helped.

😂

WriterG profile image
WriterG

I just realized you wrote that 3 years ago. OMG. I hope things got better and if you read my reply and want to comment please do

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