For the last 10~12 days, depression has hit me very hard. I used my emergency med kit, which put me in a state of drowsiness for a few days. Usually, sleep therapy allows enough time to pass for things to calm down, but it wasn't very effective this time. Suicidal thoughts have regressed, but sadness, despair, and consecutive suffering are still very present.
This is always the same story: I wasted my life, everybody is better than me, I fail at whatever I try, other people despise me, I am a burden for my wife and child, and overall I am a loser.
I live hidden in the house, and I now only go out to pick up my son at the school exit. Even that is becoming increasingly painful. I always had very low self-esteem, but I am now developing a psychosis where I hate all other people I see because they are "more" than me: more beautiful, more popular, more appreciated, more feeling good about themselves, more extrovert, more successful, more rich, ...
Depression is a life-long companion for me. For most of my life, it was manageable because I thought that suffering was a transient phase and that, one day or another, I would be rewarded for my patience. I lost that hope one or two years ago. I no longer believe things could improve. I no longer believe in a miraculous opportunity that could turn a useless life into a fulfilling one. I feel totally purposeless, and I see no future. I am not even sure I seek help; maybe all I want is for some people to remember I have existed...
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Sylvain-
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I'm sorry your worsened depression is hanging on so long this time. The negative self-talk is the worst. I always have it to some degree but when I'm really depressed it's relentless..what are you taking or doing for it? There are new treatments coming out .. don't give up hope. I'm excited about the new Saint TMS I wish we'd get it in my town. I just added on 5-HTP yesterday.
And don't believe the lies depression is telling you. And they're always people worse off.. but try not to compare yourself to others it's sure to bring on depression.
Thanks for your reply, Marysblue.I suffered depression and developmental disability since childhood—without knowing what was wrong. I was diagnosed and started medical and psychological care seven years ago after severe burnout. I posted some more details last week (healthunlocked.com/anxiety-...
About the "negative self-talk" and "upward comparison": these are topics we talked about a lot in therapy. I understand I would be less sad if I looked at my life and the world with pink glasses, purposedly ignoring negative experiences and over valuating positive ones.
But *that* would be a lie. Objectively I didn't achieve anything that deserves attention and pride. I know it may seem futile for people wiser than me, but I can't refrain from thinking it wouldn't have made any difference if I had never lived. As I said in the original message, the difference is I no longer have hope things could change. I was nothing, and I won't be anything until my last day.
You say other people are "more" than you. For sure they are NOT better writers. You have a lovely, elegant, clear writing style. Also, NO ONE is" more" of a dad to your son than you. Do you think your son would prefer to go home with some other person? I am wondering if it would be of any help for you to get a bit of more fresh air and sunshine. Sometimes that can help a little. x
You send me kind compliments, and I am grateful for that. But was is important is what you do, not what you are. Life taught me that intellectual skills are a curse. I have just enough of them to know I could have done something, but not enough to actually have succeeded from that alone. What is essential are networking and social skills, two areas where I notably lack competencies.
I often mention that, over my life, I have sent hundreds of resumes and cover letters, only getting a handful of interviews and always failed because, ultimately, there was someone better fitted than me for the position. I am the eternal second one. Life only rewards the first one. Most people have the opportunity throughout their life to win at least one time in one area. But not people like me. Whether it is about social, romantic, or professional accomplishments, people like me must resign themselves to being in the back seat. What is left of dignity in my mind cannot accept that anymore.
All these years, I tried to find alternate ways to fulfill my supposed potential: in early 2000, I started writing hundreds of blog articles in French first, then in English. Writing just one post took me ages because of my perfectionism. Despite that, it remained confidential. I was invited to attend a computer conference a few years ago, but I barely talked to anyone as I was not confident enough with my spoken English. I briefly had a YouTube channel, but I couldn't sustain the mockeries about my bad English pronunciation. No need to say all of these ended up being painful experiences and had not even the slightest positive impact on my career. Obviously, I am far from being the perfect role model for my child or a husband my wife could be proud of.
That is very interesting; I did not know it. I chose the name because I just happened upon Healthunlocked. I did not think I would really be interested, so just clicked the quickest random keys to make a password. The Bs do form my initials, though. Sometimes, Interestingly, I can be "dark gray" emotionally and especially in terms of anxiety. Thank you for the information.
It's sad to me that you had a YouTube channel but discontinued it because people were mocking your pronouncations of certain words. If I happened across your channel I would have been very interested in hearing what you had to say. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit.
Did your parents compare you to others in your childhood? Did your mother always say, "...oh, Bobby won this award, and Bobby is taking piano lessons, and Bobby is the star soccer player...." or, "...Bobby is such a good kid b/c Bobby does this and that...."
My mother still does this to this day, without realizing how hurtful it is. Even when I point it out, she's so freaking arrogant and stubborn she continues to make these hurtful, painful comments.
I sympathize with you that depression is lifelong. I feel I was born with it. and it worsened over time b/c its like the ocean eroding away at the shore.
I also sympathize with you that you feel purposeless. Most people's purpose are their kids. do you have kids? I have a dog. my dog has kept me from suicide.
Thanks, Cleo1011. Indeed my parents were very demanding regarding school results especially. And I was even more demanding in that area myself. I had the capabilities, and I was raised with the idea that, for people of our condition, success in studies was the only chance to expect a more rewarding life than our parents (this concept is known as the "social elevator" in French). I can't remember how many times I cried at school because I was not the first one or because I missed a 20/20 grade because of a stupid mistake.
In my turn, I sympathize with you as I know how you must suffer if you go through the same difficulties. I know that for many people having a wife and a child would be plenty enough to find their life rewarding. But which future can I offer them? Should I lie to my son by explaining if he works hard, he will be rewarded? I apologize if I hurt someone's convictions, but if the only purpose of my life was to have a child that merely puts me at the same level as an animal that lives only for its species' perpetuation.
I feel ashamed for thinking like that. There must definitely be something broken with me.
Hi Sylvian, It's true what someone else said above, you do have a very good writing style, and the fact that it is in a second language for you makes it even more impressive.
I understand what you mean when you say you find looking at others hard, like they are all somehow 'better' that you. One thing that helps me is that I think that life is not in our control most of the time, we are just at the mercy of the winds of random chance. So some have it better, some have it worse, but most don't deserve it either way, it's just the way life panned out for them. We live in this weird society where the media makes it look like everything is a meritocracy, but this couldn't be further from the truth. Yes there is merit in effort, but at least 50% if not more of life is just chance. No one is really a 'loser', everyone is just going with the cards they were dealt.
You have had a tough time, that doesn't make you a loser, thats just chance, and makes you stronger than so many of the others you see around. Life will get better, the dark clouds will pass. X
Thanks for your support Dell12345. I addressed some of your kind comments in the other (rather lengthy) replies above.
But you pinpointed a cruel truth: for most of it, our lives are governed by luck. And when media depict meritocracy, they are, in fact, subject to a selection bias error.
What we can do, though, is to seize the opportunities life gives us. It is where I failed because of shyness, lack of courage, or risk aversion. I only realized too late that if you miss an opportunity, you won't have a second chance in the future. The worst is that even knowing that, my actions are so influenced by fears and emotions that I couldn't make the right decision if I faced the same choices again.
Don't lose hope! What you are experiencing is not a personal failure any more than someone with diabetes would consider their condition a failure. Its organic, its genetic and its not who you are. You are certainly affected by it, but its not you. There is help out there...have you tried new non drug therapies like TMS? Please don't give up, we are all here for you on this journey.
Thanks for your kind comment MamasBlue. Replying to you and the other messages here kept me busy the whole morning (that shows you how productive I am/). At least that prevented me for a few hours from having dark thoughts about the future.
I like the way you compare mental disease with an organic condition. Even before being diagnosed, I had confusedly known something was wrong with me. It was especially obvious starting with my teenage when my classmates began to discover new activities and make new relationships. At the same time, I desperately remained alone, without any friends, leaving home only to go to school. I often wished I had some physical disability instead so my problem could be visible and, hopefully, someone would have enough pity to help me.
If you except my therapists and doctors, if you count the messages I posted on HealthUnlocked, those are the only times I speak of my difficulties with someone. It is strange that I waited 50 years to confide my problems to total strangers, mainly located on a different continent and using a foreign language.
There is a stigma associated with mental illnesses. It's because it was seen as a personal failure or weakness. They know this is no longer the case, yet the stigma remains. A lot of getting better is educating others about mental illness. Letting people know you have it, yet you are able to keep it under control and are no different than others. In time with the proper education about mental illness it will become more acceptable to reach out for help and for others to understand it themselves. Often I think that others are afraid they can catch it somehow and this is their main fear. We are all on this journey together and everyone here supports you.
I’m truly sorry for what you are going through and can relate to some of your trials.
I know life isn’t fair and can be very overwhelming. But people need and love you, and we care for you, I care! So please don’t give up!
Have you tried hypnosis, biofeedback or rewiring (neuroplasticity) the brain through hard work and help from a therapist?
What helps me is eating healthy: chicken, tuna, lots of veggies and salads. Getting enough sleep consistently is very helpful. Getting sunshine, fresh air and exercise regularly. Talking to someone you trust; friend, family or therapist. Spending time with a friendly pet, they give love unconditionally. Do things you enjoy. Face your fears. Helping others can be very rewarding and it’ll help you. Pray to Heavenly Father for help. He wants to hear from you and he will listen!
Sorry for not having responded earlier, MaineOtter. I didn't notice your message this morning.
"But people need and love you, [...]"
Thanks for your kind words. But how could they? For as long as I remember, people mocked me for being odd, ignoring the tacit social conventions, or not keeping up with the expectations for someone of my age. At best, they ignored me.
The only moment I had some admiration was when I was especially brilliant at something. And even then, it was not sufficient since, inevitably, someone was better than me.
No, no one ever loved me for what I am. Me included. As I replied below, I hate myself. I cannot sustain people staring at me. I can't talk to strangers. I don't even know what it means to have a friend.
In the last few years, I have seen many psychiatrists; I had psychological support from behavioral therapists, and I tried all the major classes of pharmacological treatments. Nothing seemed effective in the long term. My limit is I refuse operation and direct brain manipulation, including electroconvulsive therapy. I also refuse psychiatric internment—as I consider this would sign the final and definitive end of everything for me.
Your choice of the words "psychiatric internment" is interesting. It is not "prison." A lot of people on this site have spent brief periods in inpatient psychiatric care. I also spent one week there. If you admit yourself you can leave when you are ready. Most stays are about one week to 10 days. Fellow patients are usually very nice and since many have similar problems, there is quite a lot to chat about. Everybody, possibly with 1 or 2 exceptions, is quite normal, other than for a struggle with depression and/or suicidal thoughts. You are not lonely. I saw 2 psychiatrists every day, had medication adjustments (I don't take very much and not a lot was prescribed). After one week I was feeling much better. It is important, though to choose a high end teaching hospital for any in patient care. At the in patient facility there was no direct brain or surgical activity. I am in the US, so France may be different.
Thanks for your feedback. I only visited two psychiatric units, each for one day, on the occasion of medical expertises. It was rather frightening because of the drowsy patients walking in the corridors. It may not be representative of all care units, though.
Everyone sets his limits, even if they are symbolic ones. I am still not convinced, but I will take your comments into consideration.
Where I went, the patients were not drowsy at all. They were "normal." There were enjoyable activities, meals, visitors, very pleasant talks with others, especially during meals, exercise room, movie in the evening etc. Maybe France is different, or alternatively, you were in more of a longer term residential facility.
Based on your recommendation, I tried to search "a high end teaching hospital for psychiatric inpatient near me" but got no help from Google. Do you have any advice on a better way to look? Please?
It depends where you live. Look for the major teaching hospitals in your state or country. Teaching hospitals are those that have medical schools as part of them.
Try searching for medical schools in your State. They are all attached to teaching hospitals. Those hospitals are usually the best with high standards. This probably applies only to the US. I am not sure how the medical systems in other countries work.
I know some people can live for their own pleasure. Or to enjoy the good things in life. "Carpe Diem," they say. I envy them, even if I don't understand them. This is something I can't do. I don't understand how someone (including me) could love me if there is nothing I can be proud of. Actually, I hate myself more than anything else.
I remember being told by a brilliant person he found true happiness when he realized we are all just ants. We are all moving around society, building, burrowing, searching, but we are doing it together. Even if we are an ocean apart we are all connected by our humanity.
“No man is an island … and every man’s death diminishes me” - John Donne
I live hidden in my home, too. I’m in AZ where guns are everywhere and I’m in an interracial marriage. We’ve been accosted a few times so I don’t leave the house anymore. Black people hate us. White people hate us. It just doesn’t feel safe to leave. Plus, dropping my kids off at school everyday knowing I might not see them again if someone with a gun is having a bad day.
All of this is to say that even though I’m “stuck” at home I have found some ways to be helpful to society from the safety of my computer. And maybe you might like some of the ideas as well - to help you feel productive:
OpenMaps is a website used to map disaster areas/floods/etc. I spend hours on this site just tagging buildings, highlighting roads etc. so rescue crews can find their way around hotosm.org/
Apologies for the long post but I hope the resources are helpful for you!
Dear Tealpillow, you indeed have a life tougher than mine. Despite that, you have the strength to overcome your difficulties to bring help to others. You should be proud of yourself: you are a survivor.
I feel so weak. I tried to bring help through forums and support groups in my technical competencies area. I also worked with children having educational or psycho-social difficulties. It created so much anxiety. And I am so sensitive that I personally suffered from witnessing some situations. That led to burnout which worsened all my symptoms. That triggered my first appointment with a psychiatrist.
As being part of the society, once again, you are better than me. I never felt part of the society. I never felt part of a group. In real life, no one would like to talk to me. I never was attractive in any way, and most of the time, I have nothing interesting to say. In the virtual world, it is easier for me to write to a stranger. But even then, I cannot maintain an ongoing relationship in the long term. At some point, I am overwhelmed and just give up.
In English, you have a word I like: "misfit"—that perfectly describes me.
All this pressure and propaganda from Society to be successful or famous create these inner critics which torment us. I have been an Artist for 40 years with little success. It feels terrible. I study Zen Buddhism which teaches being Nobody Special is not a problem. You have to meditate to feel the freedom of Zen. It's a practice. The ego doesn't give up easily. A great book is Zen Mind/Beginners Mind.
You have purpose. You have a child, a wife think of the value of love they have for you. The love you have for them. Your childs love is unconditional. They have needs for you to meet food, shelter, safety. Even if this is all you can do it sit and read to them or sit and watch a show with them. That can be your purpose. They will meet you where you are at. They want nothing but to be near you or share their wonder in the world with you.
Just hang on. Never give up. don't expect miracles, that,s not going to happen. I have been depressed for almost a year. I take a lot of meds and I am in therapy, not working but still trying. I pray every day and it brings me some comfort.
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I feel like I need help and I have no one to talk to
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