fear of being alone

[Forgetmenots1]

lately I’ve been doing well but my anxiety and depression keep acting up every time I start to think about relationships.

I’m 28 years old and have only been in one serious relationship when I was 23. I also did not start dating until 23 because I respected my parents who didn’t want me having a boyfriend in hs and I wanted to focus on school without distractions.

Unfortunate for me my first boyfriend would be toxic and our relationship was a brutal circle of him belittling me, gaslighting and shaming me for my weight. On top of that he gave me herpes which serves a lifetime reminder of him. Before you say well you can’t possibly be sure it was him I got tested prior to being with him and specifically ask to be tested for herpes knowing it was not included in the std panel and came back negative for everything . 5 months into our relationship he broke up with me to my string of bad luck I got super sick and developed my first outbreak that same week. We eventually got back together and the circle of abuse ended finally after 1 year when I finally stopped responding to him after he ended it again.

Since then i joined a dating app for individuals who have the same condition. It’s been 5 years now and I have not had a serious relationship since joining. I tried to talk to people off the app allowing them to know my condition right away just to find out the stigma that followed me was much worse than I thought it would be and essentially all people had the same reaction which was seeing me as the disease. So I’ve stuck to the app consisting of people with the same condition to spare myself from having “the talk” and getting ghosted immediately after.

Since then my siblings have all gotten married and I am still completely single. Turns out not that many people are interested in having a committed relationship on that app and just like most dating apps it’s a place for people looking for one night stands, fwb’s, and creepy old people praying on younger girls.

At this point it is hard to stay hopeful that I’d find someone who loves me and wants that serious relationship, settle down and build a life together. And I fear that unlike my siblings I face a life where I’ll be alone. Everyone in my family says not to worry, but if I stop trying to find a relationship no one comes along and if I try then I run into people just wanting sex. Dating was already complicated enough but adding a life permanent sti into the mix makes it almost impossible. Hard to stay positive In these conditions. 😢💔

[Thankfulforhelp22]

I can't put myself in your shoes but i do remember feeling like I was going to have a lonely life when I was your age. Do not give up. An amazing woman came into my life when I least expected it. Keep trying, praying and love yourself above all.