I can't live like that

[Against_the_current]

I am slowly dying here. I can't live on this ceiling room, cluttered like hell, paying for it, scared of my landlord visiting the kitchen, locking and unlocking. But i couldn't move out. I was on critical when i tried. Brokers sucked the blood out of me, couldn't find anything that doesn't trigger me at my price. Im thinking about where to live and what master's degree to sign for and what career i can do, that i can't study for the final exam. I wanted to be a therapist, im graduating psychology, but apparently here i need to pay half an apartment and study for at least 3 more years in probably the capital city to be able to become a therapist and im thinking about something else. My dad's paying for me till i study. Im having hard time managing finances, cleaning, feeding myself... Scared i can't adult. I wake up and I want to cry. Im in a critical condition since two Sundays and no help. Texted my psychiatrist, he said to talk to my therapist. Had two sessions, one with my two therapists and im still on critical. I tried texting my "friends" from university, they just leave me on seen because they're tired of me always suffering as if im not. I only have an Ukrainian girl who just wants to study toghether and she doesn't understand when i vent and pressures me to study because she's going back to Ukraine for a month and I honestly don't know what she's going to do there when all other Ukrainians mass immigrate to here, take the good accommodations and rise the prices and undermine the economy. Before the war i was peacefully living with twice less money, now i barely make it out alive with twice more. Even when i don't eat because im too broke, depressed to buy food and my stomache hurts too much to eat. Bulgarians are the real victims in this war. I try to learn to adult and boom economy crisis. I wake up and I want to cry. I can't clean my place. For goodness sake I can't clean this place. And it's ruining me. Spiders are terrific. All my stuff is everywhere. I can't study. I just think about where to live and what to work. I wake up and I immediately have a panic attack. Then depression. Then panic again. Trying to sedate myself, numb the pain with meds and funny videos but it feels so wrong like living in a trash can but wearing pink sunglasses. Like living in dystopia but saying "be positive" and "live, laugh, love". Meanwhile even my best friend left me on seen because i was "too negative". My best friend who had mental illness and who was "forever with me in mental illness" found a boyfriend and left me. I want to scream. But im numb. This is modern slavery. We do riots and select a new government every two months and this drove us into slavery more. Like my life is falling apart but sorry for being too negative i guess. Sorry for popping up your pink bubblegum bubble. Whether it's meds, hobbies, social media, alcohol, drugs, we're sedating the fact that this is modern slavery and the fact that we need money to sedate the process of earning money. People here are so rotten. I hear my landlord through my open window and hate him to my guts. But i need the window open or i will die in this prison cell. My fingers are numb, my stomache is falling out of my esophagus and I want to cry but too numb to. Gotta try study with the Ukrainian as she's the only other human being i see irl and soon she will be gone. Imagine dragons's Enemy is playing in my head "ohh the misery, everyone wants to be my enemy, spare the sympathy"

[SoporRose]

I wish I had a clue about where you could get help. I think you're right to consider other careers for now. When you do get better, you can re-consider becoming a therapist. A degree in psych can lead to lots of other jobs, so you certainly won't have wasted your time getting your degree. You are smart and creative: how can you parlay your gifts into, say, marketing (which uses a lot of psychology), business, design, translation? Working as a freelancer might help you build your resume.

Do you have a profile on LinkedIn? Might I suggest either setting one up or updating yours if you already have one? Maybe wait until you have your diploma; that would be a great time to put up a new profile. LinkedIn is not just a place to put your resume; it's also a great resource for meeting people and getting advice. You would have to tuck away talk of your trauma and focus on career. LI is not a place to get emotional support. But it could help you get employed.

Now what is worse: staying where you are in that tiny, cluttered room with no real kitchen access and a landlord you can't stand or going back to live with family and all the very real problems there? From what you've been writing, those seem to be your choices when it comes to housing. Both are lousy options, I know. Could you "talk" through the pros and cons of these options or whatever other ones you have with your therapist and with us?

We're here for you.

Ruth

P.S. Don't lose your compassion for other people. However difficult having so many Ukrainians in Bulgaria is, I don't think "Bulgarians are the real victims in this war." I think you know that. That doesn't make your problems any less real nor does it make your situation any easier; I'm not saying that at all. Just hold on to your ability to sympathize with others.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

That are the living options and they aren't options at all. Going back to family is not an option at all, i still have nightmares about my mother and living with dad is impossible. I have childhood trauma about grandparents places and also rural areas in Bulgaria are depressive places. I need a contract to buy a flat and probably freelance isn't a stable income and i can't get a credit. Thank you for your solutions, i will defiantly make a Ll when i graduate, if i graduate, im just losing myself

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Do you see any options for finding a place after you graduate? Could you let your professors know that you are available if any faculty need a long-term house sitter (free housing in return for keeping the place safe and in good condiiton)?

Does anyone else on this discussion have any suggestions?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Appreciate the idea but my proffesors don't care about me and are not the ones who are in charge with accommodations and as i graduate, i can't even be accepted in them , what comes to stay. Even the one who offered help isn't picking up the phone and I heard from an unimate she charges more than i can afford. We have some burocracy about such stuff and that burocracy has the worst people. And also they think we clean by default. Im sorry if im off, just someone who supported me online, is in a really bad mood and doesn't tell me why. Also i feel frustrated explaining how much my university and country don't care about me

[SoporRose]

And your situation has been going for so long. I am sending you supportive thoughts and hopes for change for the better. I wish I could do more. Keep us updated, please.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks. It really has been going on for too long. Rn something weird happened to me. It appeared out of nowhere. My ribs and spine hurt so bad that it even hurts me standing and sitting. Wonder if it's anxiety or something else

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

That sounds like "something else." Anxiety will make anything worse, but that sounds very physical.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

You're right. Thank you for your rathional thinking, i was lost in my thoughts

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

It's the pain in the ribs that makes me think you need to see a doctor. I've never heard of someone with psychosomatic rib pain.