I need to get work done ASAP but I'm so unfocused and fatigued before getting things done. Any tips?

[Jimeow]

TW: Self-harm, Suicide attempts

I'm on my final semester of my studies majoring visual communication design.I have a history of 3 suicide attempts, all of them are canceled by myself out of fear of my parents. Also have history of self-harm since 5th grade, cutting since 2nd middle school. Have gone through Counseling facilitated by my campus, online counselings, Assesment Tests to determine if I'm mentally ill which came out as negative but with high level of anxiety and depression. But for now, they did not diagnose me with any disorders despite many of my unhealthy behaviours. My parents were on the conservative's side where they did not think physical health checkup, moreover mental health checkup is that important, and I'm exaggerating it. My mother also had suicide attempt once that I have witnessed.

For my final project, I got ambitious and decided to make a book, referencing some of people I know and my own experience regarding childhood trauma, making it into a sci-fi fictional story to become an inspirative media to young adults on how to handle the outcome of the traumas.

In this project, 3 out of 4 professors were really harsh, numerous revisions, hurtful words, high expectations, and there's also a moody one who often get mad. Especially because of the other student with concerning attitude who is also working on their final project but apparently fails horribly to fulfill her expectation. The theme of her work is somewhat on the same topic as me, which is about trauma. But hers is about romantic relationship. This has made the female professor sometimes snap at my work and says its the same with the other girl, with a mocking expression.

During project trials, and many times meeting with my female professor, I managed to hold on and keep working on the project. But then she wanted me revise the whole book layout, while there is an exhibition of this project a month away. I got extremely little time to relayout over a hundred pages with illustration sketches in it that needs to be changed also. So here I am, stressed out working on exhibition materials while also need to speedrun my work on layouts and illustrations.

My work progress before this was also hindered by many family conflicts, breakdowns, and some cutting. It did numbers to my head, as I have consulted to a counselor in my college before, it really make me feel so bad because I felt like I have disappointed all people who have helped me before. This issue hindered me in the writing process of the book. "How can a person can create a tool to make people handle their traumas if the creator itself failed to do so?" is what I thought, and dragged me to the gutter. Even though I had suceeded in making my mental better before, after 6 month of counseling and some DBT therapy. Until about three months later, I relapsed after a number times watching my parents fight.

Now, I feel I'm being so slow on my work and that stresses me out even more. All those frustations from previous incidents kinda weighs on me. Even though my dad decided to send me to live separated from them to prevent anymore worsening of my state, I still had another 3 cutting sessions. Though mentally its not as worse as when I live with them.

I feel so lethargic, tired, and sleepy as heck all the time even though I'm panicking on how slow my progress is. There were some urges to cut just because of how anxious I am accompanied with racing heartbeats, and now I have visualized if I were to hang myself tonight. That way I will be freed from all of this assignment, though it's cowardly. But no, I can't do that. If I really do that, I really have failed those who helped me. Might also affect those I care negatively.

So, I guess after writing this, I'll go back to work as much as I can. Get up early tomorrow to go work outside. If any of you guys have some tips or story to share relating to this, I'll gladly read it when I got the time. For now, thank you if you have read this rant post until the very end. Let's stay strong ❤️

[012703060610]

Hey there, I really appreciate all of the details of your post and the willingness to open up to others. I have my own mental health struggles and some very serious prior trauma. I cannot say enough about PTSD therapy versus traditional CBT. I spent years in CBT and made no progress. That is my first suggestion for you is to focus on that type of therapy if you can find it. EMDR is used and it can be hard, but once you breakthrough I cannot explain how amazing it is. So I can tell you that healing is possible. We have mental health issues all over our family as well.

This brings me to my niece. In her final semester she went through something very similar on a project. Both you and she at the time had done all of the work and she was going to drop out. She has a few mental health conditions and similarly watched her mother attempt suicide several times (my sister). She did make an attempt that semester on a weekend home. She got the pills she could find and took them all. She woke up in the ICU and then had to still spend a week in the ICU, then a step down floor for psych treatment. She has lasting effects on motor skills from her attempt. Shortly after, my family thought it would be a good idea for her to visit me on Spring Break. My kids usually bring joy....it's fun to have little cousins. As soon as we picked her up from the airport, I knew she wasn't ready. However, I spent a lot of time counseling with her, talking with her, talking about what seemed rationale and didn't. She wanted to attempt again with me and I had to commit her. I was hearing her parents talk to her silently in the background and it was SO toxic. Sometimes we have to cut people out or reduce our time with them so that we can stay sane.

Fast forward two years....she pushed through with some extensions and she finished that last semester virtually. She got her degree in journalism. She found a job and then met and married a military man. She has distanced herself from her direct family and is doing much better. She is in trauma therapy, on the right medications (super important) and is eating healthy and exercising. I don't know exactly what could help you, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. You are in school during a very strange time in the world post COVID. Even my young children lost social skills by missing school. I hope you can give yourself the grace to ignore the comments and drama and just get it done. It doesn't matter what your professor thinks. In six months time, you won't care about much of what any of your professors thought! Pay no mind to the other girl to writing on trauma. Just try to control what you know you can.

We are ALL here for you! You sound dedicated and focused and very well spoken. We need people like you in this world. I am sorry for all you have been through. I have no experience with cutting, but I can see how those types of behaviors can manifest. I think our brain knows it may be able to process physical pain better than mental. I don't think a lot of people realize there is actual pain with depression and anxiety. Or people just choose to think mental health issues aren't real. My parents sort of fall into this category even though several suicide attempts have been made with various family members. Keep writing here too if it helps!

[Jimeow in reply to 012703060610]

Hi! Thank you for the therapy recommendation.My country right now have pretty limited solutions regarding to mental health, but I'll try to find the ones you recommend to me and preserve until the day I can support myself to take that!

Thank you also for sharing you and your niece's story.

It's nice to hear about other people helping and getting help they deserves. It truly pushes me to keep moving on and believing in good things. I also have many little cousins, they are indeed fun to be with and brings joy to my life. I hope your little ones can adapt to the post COVID world and recover their social skills soon.

Reading about the things your family had went through really resonates with me, I hope I can be like you and your niece and push through it all and get better.

Lastly, thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement and numbers of the advice! I was afraid and about to delete this post, but now I'm glad I didn't, I would have missed this wonderful writing. I will keep remembering on what you have said.

Big happiness for you and your family ❤️

[Ticktick]

Ah my heart goes out to you Jimeow Anxiety and depression whatever the cause are real suffering

You need medication if i may say so

And a supportive community

You have come to the right place

Healing will happen over time

Just hold on

Keep talking

God bless you

[Jimeow in reply to Ticktick]

Thank you for your kind words ❤️I'll hold on as long as I can, and I will remember your words.

[Atthepark]

Your book sounds so cool

[Jimeow in reply to Atthepark]

Thank you ❤️ I'll do my best in making it