Sick want out

[PeaceNeed]

I tired of living from day to day in mortal terror of the future and what might happen. I walk thru the streets and see people living outside. I'll be 64 in May I've been in bad shape for several years now and each year gets worse.A clergyman once told me that ending your own existence was a slap in the face to God. I find myself each day thinking that if God does exist he will get that slap from me.

[Dolphin14]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Do you have a therapist helping you?

I know nothing about god. I can't help you there but are you saying you are suicidal

🐬

[PeaceNeed in reply to Dolphin14]

I have a therapist. I'm terrified of the future and ask God if he exists everyday to end my pain. I live in mortal fear of being homeless in my city, The mental health system has only made things worse. Am I suicidal.....that's a question I dont want to answer .

[Dolphin14 in reply to PeaceNeed]

Ok I respect that. I will just say if you are in danger of self harm you should seek medical attention

The mental health system is not in good shape that's for sure. Too overloaded

I hope your therapist can help you

[Sillysausage234]

give him a kick up the ass bone from me please if you find him

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Sillysausage234]

You are the only one on our forum who regularly expresses my own thoughts on the matter.

[Starrlight]

I’m so sorry you are in so much pain, Max. You are not alone. I worry about the future every day too. Keep writing here. We will be here for you.

[PeaceNeed in reply to Starrlight]

I will if able. I've worn out my welcome every where else..

[secrets22]

hey Max,you are not on your own as i too struggle daily with a fear of something terrible will happen, its totally irrational but it persists in tormenting me, and i have no answer.

[PeaceNeed in reply to secrets22]

Along with the anxiety I have poor impulse control that has made my situation worse. I have problems interacting with other people wich has also caused me problems.

[secrets22 in reply to PeaceNeed]

i often have that to,i often shi away from people and i then sweat streams, its horrid.

[PeaceNeed in reply to secrets22]

Just had session with therapist. Didn't really help.

[Dolphin14 in reply to PeaceNeed]

It takes time to work though all this. Don't give up

[EndUser13]

Max I'm sorry you feel that way. I was in a dark place a few years ago, suffering without medication while caring for someone on hospice it was hard. Too many times I'd look at things and think about self-harm, not that I wanted to act on it, I just wanted to stop suffering.

While my clergy card is expired and likely not your brand of faith, I think telling someone who is suffering "God will hate you if you desire to try to escape your suffering" is a cop out, it's always bugged me... at the same time, all life is precious and I can't say I condone someone opting out, I can relate to how you feel right now.

Please keep coming back and writing! I hope you find something today that makes you smile and say to yourself "I'm glad I was here to see that"

[PeaceNeed in reply to EndUser13]

If i wasnt so afraid of botching it up I would head for the off ramp. I see the utter lack of compassion and cruelty directed at people with problems like mine.I tried years ago and survived. Stuck me in hospital for months made things worse.

I held my dead dogs coat in my hands and teared up. He was all a I had left.

[EndUser13 in reply to PeaceNeed]

I understand I have been to a psych ward for PTSD/panic disorder but it doesn't matter, they always treat you like a shard of glass; fragile and yet dangerous. IF things get to be too bad, maybe a short stay somewhere nicer could help though.

I'm sorry about your dog, losing a beloved animal is hard, it's like losing a family member. When you're ready, maybe you'll give another dog a good home and that dog will offer you love in return, cuz that's what dogs do.

Hang in there, we all die, so we may as well make the best out of what we do have now.

[PeaceNeed in reply to EndUser13]

Im not sure even of having what I have now in the near future. The people who run my housing program know Im having serious psych problems again (which they helped trigger). I feel backed into a corner no friends and family . For the first time in my life Im on my own completely and cant handle it. I know this sounds pathetic growing old in this day and age is an awful experience I was just not prepared for.

[EndUser13 in reply to PeaceNeed]

😔 I know all too well how instability in where you live can cause tons of anxiety. Have you contacted your local jobs and family services about your housing issue, or maybe an alternative?

[PeaceNeed in reply to EndUser13]

Ive gone to everyone I could think of. The system is designed around reimbursement not compassion. My contact with the system has been a disaster. If yourvnot docile and a good client/patient theybmake you suffer.

[EndUser13 in reply to PeaceNeed]

I'm sorry, I wish I had something more substantial and helpful 😔

[PeaceNeed in reply to EndUser13]

Please dont take offense. Im in despair and have poor people skills. I appreciate your response.

[EndUser13 in reply to PeaceNeed]

It's understandable to be in despair right now. Don't give up all hope! Be nice to yourself, you are communicating polite and effectively

[Nothing_but_books in reply to PeaceNeed]

Compliant can be a tool you use to get the help you need. Everywhere you get something there is a cost to be paid. This one is something you may be able to work with.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to EndUser13]

If I knew of a clinic where I'd be treated like a shard of glass, it'd give me hope for the system.

[EndUser13 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I meant to use the shard of glass thing as an analogy for how psych wards tend to treat people in a bad way. If you're in the kind of place you want support, you don't want to feel like people are judging you or treating you in a way you don't deserve. I think I get what you are saying though, ideally.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to EndUser13]

I knew you meant it in a bad way; sorry for the confusion. I'm sorry you've had bad experiences when you needed help.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to PeaceNeed]

Max, I'm so sorry for your loss. I have tears in my eyes imagining you holding your dear dog's coat. I lost my boy too, it hurt.

I've a mood to curse your clergyman to the nether regions. I don't know if the attribution is accurate, but Mark Twain supposedly said "God is a malign thug." He was a man who knew hurt and bravery.

I'm afraid of being old, crippled, and homeless. The state of medical care is indeed poor.

I believe this forum brings us together with others who understand. I hope it brings you some comfort and hope.

[Shnookie]

Please call 988. They R compassionate and might give U coping skills that will help you during this challenge time in your life.