When you suffer from chronic depression and social anxiety, I think the best we can hope for is a dull and boring life. Just getting rid of sadness and despair might be seen as a victory. But there is no hope we can expect the exciting life full of new experiences and great opportunities depicted the whole day long on TV and media.
As a matter of fact, that "dull and boring" life I talk about is not that far from what our parents or grandparents would have considered a "normal" life. But joyful and successful people are depicted everywhere nowadays. And we are urged to achieve that social, professional, and/or financial success.
How can we deal with that by not felling inferior or overall a loser?
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Sylvain-
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Have you thought about gardening? This could just be growing some basil in a pot on a windowsill or extended into a window box. Growing things from seed is just so amazing. A tiny little seed can produce the most wonderful herbs or beautiful flowers in the most amazing colours.
this alot too. One thing for i have found that helps, is to not think so "big.", to think smaller in my small world and circle of influence or friends or family or people i interact with. To focus and tell myself, this is my world, this small world is where
Thanks for your reply, leaningonjesus.Basically, it is like being happy for what we have instead of being sad for what we have not.
These are words of wisdom. Unfortunately, I still haven't reached the point where I can calm down my emotional mind with such rational reasoning, though :/
I agree that when we're in the depths of despair, happiness seems unattainable. But I also think that searching for happiness CAUSES a lot of unhappiness. For me, I want peace. Happiness to me is a joyous feeling. I want to enjoy it when it happens, but I also know that there will be sorrowful events that must also be felt. I agree with "leaningonjesus", too. Make your world what you want. Don't compare yourself to others (takes practice). Be yourself, everyone else is taken. You are important. You are loved. 🥰
Thanks for your reply, Optimismrus. Indeed that revolves arround the same ideas as suggested by Leaningonjesus above.I assume I gave up "searching for happiness" a long time ago. And, like you, I aspire to peace of mind more than anything else. Almost in a nihilistic way, I would say...
But remains the same question: what have I done wrong to deserve such a small and insignificant life?
Remember tv and movies are not real. They are purposefully sensationalized for entertainment value. Nobody really lives like that. Concentrate on what makes you happy and what you want your goals to be. I am nothing special, not married, no kids, not glamorous, not rich. My thing is to help people when I can. Being kind to animals. Doing what I can to try to make the world a better place cuz it sure needs it.
Love your reply. Yes, TV & movies are NOT real --I mean, very few people probably live the kind of life depicted in those type of TV series, or movies you are referring to. And, one person's take on happiness could be another person's misery --meaning, what makes one happy, the same thing might make another person miserable. Success probably has different meanings to different people. And, you never know what goes on "behind closed doors," or behind the "mask" that a lot of people wear. To me success is living by a Code of integrity, kindness, caring. Well, I have success in that, but Not all the time. I am human, and of course, have made a lot of mistakes & not always live up to "my code!" My "spoiler" is that I have Too many fears (have since I was born ) & that has spoiled A Lot for me. Working on my fears, and it's Darn hard. Anyway, try not to compare too much as you really don't know the struggles that they might of had, or have!
Amen to having too many fears that has spoiled too much.I have allowed fear to hinder me in my life... more than I even realized until declining mental health forced me to reflect on everything.
Yes, FEAR is a Four Letter Word! This is a Dilly --Fear! I have & am working on being, feeling, thinking less fearful. Sometimes, it's like climbing a Mountain! It's (being fearful) So ingrained in me that it's difficult to change. All I can do is try & I do.
I can so relate to that. It's going against my nature to do things that cause me fear... some may get a rush from it... I just get warning signals and my brain doesn't function properly. I know you are supposed to do things you're afraid of purposely to get past that... but like you said, it's like climbing a mountain.
I agree with what you both said about fear. Fear is a paralyzing emotion. It prevents and prevented me from doing so many things. I am always afraid of the consequences of my actions (whose outcome can only be negative, of course).Worst, perhaps, afterward, it fuels regrets, sadness, and overall low self-esteem.
Indeed TailWags.Despite all my struggles, I tried all my life to have a positive impact on the world around me. I tried to be helpful and nice. I studied conscientiously, and I did all my homework. At work, I accepted constraints no one else would have sustained.
That didn't bring me joy. Probably there is something wrong with me, but I feel it utterly unfair that people (around me, not on TV) having done less than 1% of my efforts are rewarded by life hundred of times more than I do.
It is a hard thing to accept that life isnt fair. I want it to be, but it isnt. But, not everything is like it seems either. Some people may look like they have the perfect life, but you cant really know what they are going through. Abuse, illness, deaths of loved ones, guilty conscience, addictions, all sorts of things. Loud, boisterous people may secretly live in fear and desperately trying to maintain a happy, have everything image. We just dont know everything about anyone. And we dont know the future. I try to remember the teachings of mindfulness. A big lesson I learned is "Dont believe everything you think".
I think 'depicted everywhere' is key here, it is not real, just an advertisement. It is one of the reasons depression and anxiety are on the increase in young people. Personally I think we should have much much tougher regulation on advertising.
One person's dull and boring life may be another's fulfilling and happy life.
I recently saw an advert for 'the ultimate luxury life' which was living on a cruise ship and working remotely. However, I thought that sounded like my idea of a very isolating and boring life, and couldn't understand why anyone would want to do that.
Different people like and need different things I think. 😊
Yes, Dell12345. One paradoxical thing in my feelings is I envy people for doing something I wouldn't like doing.
Here is a concrete example: from, say, 18yo to 40yo, my greatest fear was going to a nightclub. That sums up all I can't deal with: being observed in public, the crowd, the noise, the subtle game of interpersonal relationships, and nonverbal communication. It was literally my worst nightmare.
On the overhand, I desespairly envied people of my age that went there (in the pit of all sins) and were able to enjoy the party and meet new friends (including, of course, girlfriends).
I remember having written, somewhere around my 25yo, that it was as if we lived in two different worlds. I can see there is a bright and joyful world just next door. But I am condemned to live instead in a small and tasteless world.
I know the feeling. Sometimes I feel the same way when watching people engage in small talk, or go travelling. I wish I could do that, but then I also think that I wish I wanted to do that, or I wish I was happy doing that, it's a strange feeling. I think anxiety is a big factor, it would be amazing to just turn it off. The closest I get is when I have had a few drinks, or have taken a diazapam, but I don't do either very often for obvious reasons.
Please remember that what you see on television is fiction. It is not real life and it is intended to make everything look glamorous and beautiful and rich. I would not use television as a reference for my own life.
You sound like you are depressed and feeling somewhat hopeless. I would suggest seeing a therapist if you have not already done so. I would also recommend the book Feeling Great by David Burns. It will teach you how to do cognitive behavioral therapy for yourself so that you can feel better.
In addition, you might actually benefit from reading some of the stoic philosophers such as Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius. Stoic philosophy is very straightforward and understandable and addresses and number of the issues that you have brought up. One of their points is that person is happy when he or she is satisfied with the things that they have and do not desire to have more and more things.Their perspective is fairly modern and easy to read and understand.
I see *several* therapists on a regular basis for years. I also take medications. And I read Epictetus and a couple of other philosophers as well as modern books about well-being or psychiatry.
It may be hard to believe, but I am actually far from my worst state of mind. Actually, by my standards, I am in a pretty good mood.
Probably I am stubborn, and my mind is broken. But I just cannot accept it is the way it is. What did I do wrong to deserve such a punishment? All attempts at being satisfied with my life end up reminding me of Aldous Huxley's Brave New World:
"""
Alpha children wear grey. They work much harder than we do, because they're so frightfully clever. I'm awfully glad I'm a Beta, because I don't work so hard. And then we are much better than the Gammas and Deltas. Gammas are stupid. They all wear green, and Delta children wear khaki. Oh no, I don't want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They're too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly color. I'm so glad I'm a Beta.
"""
And me, what am I? A Delta? A Gamma? And I should accept my condition because it could be worst?
Sylvain, I'm glad to hear that you have read some of these important works, especially from the Stoics. I hope that it just help you at least a little. Sometimes I find a reading philosophy is actually more helpful than reading books about psychology or therapy well-being.
This is such a huge problem in our society today. Our focus on what is important is so misguided. Tech, social media, "influencers"(whatever the EFF this is SUPPOSED to be!), reality TV (MORE BS & a total waste of time)...all forms of lies that have duped us into believing that Life is supposed to be a sitcom or the 'Kardashians' in order to have a rewarding existence.
THIS is what is broken. The American Dream is now the American Nightmare, imo. Greed, immediate gratification, stock holders, dividends, the pursuit of happiness, profits over people, and lack of community is going to kill our country. We are more divided every day, United we are NOT. Gun violence, mass shootings, children killing children...how has this become the norm?
The Truth is...no validation will come to us from outside sources in our misaligned society. It's lies wrapped in shiny colors and big bows, but under the pretty paper it's still a pile of shite. I turned my focus from finding peace and happiness from outside myself....all broken and false 'idols', so to speak, which were guaranteed failures for what I was searching for in true contentment and quality of life....and shifted my focus INWARD. I started by investigating Buddhist principles and spirituality. I realized my contentment and happiness will ONLY come from WITHIN ME! I don't do organized religion at all.
A Year ago, I committed myself to doing WHATEVER it takes to support my body and brain. I'm almost 49 and have been suffering from mental health problems since my teens. I was suicidal and had to start TMS treatment to save my life. I've paid nearly $10,000 out of pocket since last Feb for ongoing treatment that my brain requires to keep my mental health in check and symptoms in remission. DIET EXERCISE AND SLEEP...3 pillars of health. Simple in theory... difficult in practice. Takes a lot of dedication to overcome a lifetime of bad habits and conditioning, but it can be done.
Gotta shut off social media and news and start a different practice for YOURSELF. Be your Best Advocate and friend. Society will not heal you...it will only frustrate you further. The answers are not 'out there'... the answers are WITHIN.
I live in France, but I can relate to many things you say.
Live a healthy life, be yourself, enjoy life's little pleasures, avoid upward comparisons, ... Those are pieces of advice I often hear. Easy to say. Desesperly hard to do for broken people with a broken minds. And the more you try, the more you fail and the worst you feel.
Hey, scansnap! Early morning. Just thought I'd say 👋 hi! I'm with you 💯👍 we could definitely use some down to Earth 🌎 philosophy in our disjointed society. Or a good dose of common sense would go a long way, as well ❤️🩹🫀❤️🔥💌
I had to take a step back from social media. I spent so much time comparing myself to classmates from high school and college. I felt like a total failure seeing my peers outshine me in every day. Starting families, great careers, etc. I even got to the point where it wasnt just about me feeling negative about myself but also being jealous and not being able to express happiness for friends and family that were doing great things. That was the point when I had to stop back and re-evaluate. Leaving behind Facebook definitely helped but also made me feel like I wasnt connecting with the people I loved because I felt embarassed or ashamed to let anybody see that I was struggling. I am still working on opening up. I definitely advocate taking at least a week away from social media.
I share similar experiences and feelings. My first major (aka suicidal) depression episode was after graduating from an engineering school: it was the pre-internet era, and I desesperedly tried to find a job I never will find. In the meantime, every two months, I received the alumni journal to see my peers landing very good positions and interviews where they said hopefully they had enjoyed the student's life (aka, parties) because now they have to work seriously.
I never went to a party. Pursuiving studies was a financial sacrifice for my parents. I had to wake up a 4:30 am every day to take hours of public transportation to attend my school. I worked hard, very hard, all by myself since no one at home was in a position to help me when I didn't understand something. No, I didnt enjoy the student's life. And my reward was ... nothing. I end up achieving nothing, being nothing.
Once in a while, I still hear from my "peers" through LinkedIn or business news. It is not TV. They are real, I knew them, and I know some of them were far from being genius. Despite that, they all seem to have a brilliant position. I have never reached or seen any of them since school. How could I beg for a job, any job? How couldn't I be so ashamed to have miserably failed? It is hard to believe I should be happy just because it could have been worst.
Wow I definitely feel that. I got to the point where I stopped telling people I had a bachelors degree. I was lucky enough to get into a top university but I felt like an imposter. I was embarrassed to mention my degree because I was paranoid that people would ask why I am struggling to find work. Why was I working at a coffee shop. It took me a very long time to realize that I was assuming that I knew what everybody was thinking about me and my assumptions were always negative. I am still working through that and I stills catch myself getting lost in those thoughts. I think my lowest point was finding out that a friend was accepted into med school. My reaction was not that I wanted to congratulate her because I was stuck thinking "why not me." What has helped me a lot is to find little things to keep me busy. Puzzles, books, crafts. I keep my free time full of positive things that make me feel like I have accomplishes something. Even if it is something small. I also have gotten away from scrolling through social media so often. Unless I'm just looking at cute dog videos. Lol speaking of dogs...I adopted a shper adorable dog this year. I feel like he is such a big help. I get out of the house regularly now. I feel like I am reponsible for his life and happiness and that makes me feel like I have goals. Small goals like training him to sit or walk on a leash. This year has been all about baby steps for me and I am finally starting to feel like I am moving in a positive direction. It's definitely about the baby steps.
I have nothing positive to add to this, it is something I struggle with daily. People here are correct, Tv, movies, and the mass media is feeding us a dose of fantasy of luxury and excitement. That I deal with well, but I live in a home in a very wealthy area and it's all temporary. I'm caring for my 90-year-old mother. When I walk out my door all my neighbors are millionaires. I try to remind myself that, money doesn't buy happiness and behind those garden fences there is depression, stress, loneliness, and fears too. But I can't ignore Bob revving the motor of his hundred and fifty thousand dollar hobby car next door. I worked for 30 years before I got sick and have nothing to show for it because I was raising a family, working from paycheck to paycheck. Yup, sad old fat guy feeling sorry for himself drowning in self pity. But on the positive side, I have a reason to get out of bed every day, the longer I can keep my mum out of those awful nursing homes the longer she can live.
Boston001, I understand and share your feeling.Hopefully, you seem to find in yourself the motivation to continue living despite all your difficulties. Congratulations on that. I still haven't reached that point, and, in fact, I doubt I ever could.
I can only speak for myself, but 1# I think the key isn't expecting happiness, the modern human condition of luxury is only 100 years old. for most of human history, no matter how wealthy one was. Life was pain, starvation, diseases, and unsanitary lifestyle 2# Realizing our struggle is 50% in our own heads, and 50% of things we just have no control over, stop trying to control them. 3# Getting support, therapy, and the right meds, I have struggled for years with medications that weren't working and I thought it was me, when in fact it was just the wrong med or medication that stopped working because I became tolerant.
Bear in mind that the actors you see are not the people they portray. Often they are suffering from depression and anxiety just as we do. Most of them are in one of the most stressful careers in the world - show business - and face constant rejection and ego deflation.
In fact, even the people they portray are not real - including themselves - on social media, which specializes in phony crap and downright lies.
Accept each day as it comes, find time for spiritual/uplifting reading and meditation. Develop an "attitude of gratitude" for small things, like your first cup of coffee in the morning or the feel of your dog's nose nudging under your hand for attention. It isn't the Devil that's in the details, it's the moments of contentment.
Yes, Emmi331.Upward comparisons have a deleterious effect, especially when we compare ourselves with idealized images depicted in the media.
On the other hand, I do not buy the story of the poor little successful person who, also, experiences depression and ego crisis.
They have a hard time in their career. But most people around me have difficulties at work. They feel rejected? Well, the girl working in the supermarket experiences that too. Ten times a day.
I still believe when you are on the right side of the fence, you have more ressources, internal or otherwise, to face the difficulties.
I may look jealous, and probably I am. But what bothers me is not that there are successful people. I am not bothered by the existence of more successful people than me. I am bothered because I was *so* unsuccessful.
What did I do wrong? Why did I deserve such a punishment? Because that is the way it is: my life is a punishment.
Social media are even worst than TV regarding upward comparisons. On TV, you know it's fake. But on social media, people pretend it is their reality.
That is how I try to debunk that bomb in my mind. But objectively, when comparing the job position, or the lifestyle of the few people I met "in real life" — there too if I compare to my situation, I can only think I am a loser. I should try to accept that as a fact I can't change. But I can refrain from thinking that it is all my fault. And I hate myself.
I totally get this - that's your depression playing tricks on you. You are not a loser, you are someone who is struggling to manage a mental illness - it's hard! I hope you get some relief soon.
Searching for happiness, is not the right way to go, but searching for Contentment is what it's all about. Happiness is the euphoria you feel when something goes right, but it is fleeting. Contentment is the relaxed feeling when there in no need to worry any more, about anything.
I still have a lot of work to do before reaching such a state of mind. I still feel too much despair regarding the pitiful outcome of my life and too much anger against me for that mess.
I never was someone very ambitious. But even my small ambitions, I was unable to realize them. You are probably right. Maybe the only solution is to give up. Forget everything I hoped for. And just be satisfied with the present moment :/
I’m learning to enjoy the small things. We cleaned out our house last week and it made my day! Ironically, my friends call me boring, but I also know I enjoy activities alone and that’s okay.
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When you feel like giving up
What to do, when you don't quite know how your feeling? 
Feeling Like A Failure
Am I alone? I don't feel like doctors understand how serious I am.
I feel like a failure. 
