My husband of 17 years was arrested and convicted of downloading indecent images of children. He got three years. It was the most horrific thing I’ve ever been through. The trauma will be with me forever. We lost all our friends. It was on the news, the radio and social media. Everyone knew including my poor children’s friends. We eventually became homeless. I lost my best friend, my husband and my carer. It’s made me so ill physically and mentally. I have carers come in to help get me showered etc every day. I live in my bedroom. My three daughters don’t speak to me and I miss them terribly. I just don’t know what the point is. It’s so terribly unfair. X
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Bramble2000
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I can understand that it would be near impossible to get over such a trauma. Can you think of any good things you can do to help yourself? I know it is difficult, but you need to look after yourself and start to look outward. Are you getting any mental support? Are you in contact with your local church?
That's awful, and I imagine your life as you know it is now non existent,people might seem to think you might be part of this horrible crime, you are now shunned by society, even your children, through no fault of your own, you are a victim yourself, the marriage is over, The children have lost a father, you are suffering with poor health, and have become a leper within the community, and even lost your house, what a heck of a situation, I find it difficult trying to even give you any advice, and it's not often I get stuck trying to give some sort of direction for you to get you and your life back on track, maybe victim support, your local mp, you've been dealt a set of card's that through no fault of your own you are now becoming trapped in the system that sent your ( husband) to prison, obviously I presume you are now well away from him,(prison)and filed for divorce etc, you need to draw a line in that part of your life otherwise it will drag you into a darker place, and your children may need counselling, I'm sorry I can't give you all the answers but I'm willing to chat with you about anything anyway, best of luck 😇
it’s all the assumptions that are arguably harder to deal with than the crime. My children are doing really well, eldest a Doctor, training to be a surgeon, second daughter is at Oxford University doing a Masters and the third is at Uni and wants to be a social worker. My son is 18 and lives with me. He’s autistic and has severe ME. He’s been through it all with me. He’s such a sweet boy but I worry about his future. Victor support is only for victims of a crime. We were simply victims of circumstance. I’ve learnt an awful lot though through all this and have studied what my ex husband is. If anyone is interested or needs advice or support in I would highly recommend the Lucy Faithful Foundation.
I can't imagine...it's unfair and cruel....guilt by association... It's an unfortunate stigma of society to blame the spouse for not knowing what the other has been up to. I watched a show about a woman who had been in a relationship for a number of years with a guy who seemed very docile and mild-mannered....and when the police showed up at the door to arrest him....she was completely knocked for six when she was asked, 'how could she have not known he was a serial killer?' We can never really completely know someone....but when those secrets destroy our lives too....
no one ever knows what their other half is doing on their phone or laptop unless they go through them all the time which I never did as I had no need to do so. Even if I had, he’d hidden it too well, I’d never have found it.
Ah, your children are now fairly old and are of adult age and are well educated, so you are still being made to carry the burden of the fathers crime?
Surely they can see you are suffering as well, I understand they are embarking on their future, have they tried to block this subject out or don't they want to discuss this taboo subject anymore?
I know it's hard and obviously I don't really know how to respond without maybe upsetting you, and obviously I don't want you to get annoyed or angry with me, I'm just trying to find the dynamics of what will make things easier for you, there's no magic wand, and I've often said before in a message it's just difficult trying to even get to a talking point, you have been extremely brave and I think you deserve credit it trying to reach out on here explaining yourself, even though non of this is your fault.
Sadly when people talk, neighbours etc, or the gossip mill gets going, the add ons will go on to the local rumours, some things might be true other things might not be, and the courts decide upon that, you've had a terrible burden put upon you, possibly a wasted life, as you may feel that way now, but, don't let your ex husband's life ruin your FUTURE life ahead of you, yesterday newspaper's are tomorrow's fish and chip papers, I know by the sounds of things is your youngest child will be your priority, but also your health is a factor here,so I'm sure if this subject comes up , people can notice the lucy Faithful foundation that you have so kindly put upon here, myself personally I see you as a victim, that's how I look at this , the system doesn't see things the way I look at life, it's like if you also become an accessory to the crime, you also get sent to prison , yet, you have nothing to do with this , lost everything, a family unit destroyed ,made homeless, and walk around with the badge of shame on your back because of your criminal husband, well, the court's have also punished you , what a strange world we live in, but I don't mind talking about different things if you want to change the subject at any time, thanks for your reply 👋
my children’s issue with me has nothing to do with my ex. Six months after his arrest, I left to live in Italy with my two youngest. I gave everything up and expected a new life. It didn’t work out and I have been blamed ever since. It says far more about them than it does me. Regarding my ex, he is very much in our lives. He’s my sons Dad and always will be.
Ah I see, the stigma around your husband's arrest has followed you around, obviously he's still the father of your children which I understand, some children would want to distance themselves away from the situation, each family has its own dynamic set up, and you went to Italy to try to perhaps start a fresh beginning, that's reading between the lines, each family has their own way of dealing with things, and I'm not for one in telling you what's right or wrong, obviously if the Italy thing had worked out life might have been a different story, but, we all hope that our futures are a permanent item, have a settled family, get a mortgage, kids, grow old gracefully together, I had my own issues in life, and had to make decisions, the problems I had were trauma related and I became an alcoholic, thankfully I'm sober now for 11 years, but it left me with ptsd, I lost contact with my family, had many health issues caused through the drink, however, I've turned my life around, I sought counselling for my ptsd, got my health back on track, the legacy I've been left with is neuropathy, so I'll NEVER touch a drink again, I wouldn't wish my trauma related incidents on anyone , it left me as a changed person, so I try to understand your situation from a different perspective, sometimes I find it hard in what I say without upsetting anyone, I'm quite a deep thinker myself, and obviously you have many problems that aren't easy to solve, it's like trying to do a crossword without the clues, and I don't mean that in a cheeky way, I'm really quite a sensitive person, but you must know I mean the very best for you, hopefully you'll understand its your husband who has caused the shame upon the family, not YOU, I had major guilt issues with my friends suicide, I felt part of the process, so ,even though our situations are different, I hold partly for his death, and it's a heavy burden to this day, try to stay strong, take care 🙂
My tired brain read the beginning wrong TT_TT when you said husband of 17 years i thought it meant your husband is 17 years old.On serious note i hate people that use stereotypes to judge people its not right.At least the community here will support you! I hope everything gets better for you
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