Working on forgiving

[Bakerman76]

I have come to discover that my life long feelings of how I feel about my parents and the child abuse they inflicted upon me have had extremely negative consequences for me. I have reached the point where I wish/need to lay those emotions to rest. I am willing to forgive them , but I don't know how to go about it.

[fauxartist]

Forgiveness is a very personal issue... as far as forgiving your abuser. I will tell you though that the hate and anger and fears we carry do eat away at us, and the best advice I can give you is to know that most abusers feel no responsibility or any real atonement for their actions. And we are the ones suffering usually, not them... so why should we carry that hate and anger when they feel nothing. That I was told was just letting them continue to hurt us. We can take back our power by learning to know that they will usually never apologize or be accountable...we have to accept that it's just not in them to do that. So we never have to forgive their actions. and as far as forgiving them?....well there's my conundrum... I tried to talk about how I was affected by all the years of abuse to my abuser and that I wanted to forgive them....they told me they had done nothing wrong and didn't need to be forgiven.

So... I guess it's an individual thing really... I have no feelings for them anymore, I no longer am angry or fearful of them... they just are there, I cut them out of my life over a decade ago. And have been on a long, long road of healing.... I was told by a few therapists this kind of damage is deep and may never completely go away, but that it doesn't have to define us, and we can and do get better over time and can have a good life.

[Hidden]

Hi there,

The issues surrounding forgiveness are ones that I'm grappling with right now. It's a real conundrum. The only advice I can think to give is through my own experience:

My husband asked me the other day what I would like to see happen. My aunt asked me what would help me heal. My response to both was the same: I want my abuser to acknowledge that they hurt me, that they were wrong to do what they did, and to apologize. According to my trauma therapist, my abuser is a most likely a narcissist (didn't find this out until after-the-fact). Through my readings on narcissism, I have read that they don't apologize. In knowing this, I am now grappling with the issue of whether I even want this acknowledgement and this apology. I desperate want it for my sake, but will I get it? I might, but chances are unfortunately bigger that I won't. My trauma happened a year ago. Since I have yet to get any acknowledgement or an apology, chances are that I never will. It kills me inside to see myself write those words, but it unfortunately holds true.

Let's say my abuser does acknowledge and/or apologize. Will it be genuine? It is this question that I'll start thinking if she does. Will thinking this help me heal or will it cause me more pain to think that she maybe doesn't mean it? I'm thinking the latter.

[Bakerman76 in reply to Hidden]

Norw, in a way you are lucky that your abuser is still alive. That is to say, you can still confront him/her. However, he/she may not even acknowledge that they abused you.

In my case, both of my parents have long since passed on. I was horribly beaten from when I was only 18 months old until I ran away from home at age 16. It is one thing to forgive my mother for allowing it to happen, but an entirely different thing to forgive my step-father who was the beater.

[Hidden in reply to Bakerman76]

I am so very sorry to hear that you endured that.

[Midori]

My abuser was my husband, he suicided after I left him and told him I wasn't coming back until he got treatment.

I had two children who didn't need to see what he was doing to me, so I left. His family were appalling, even going so far as to accusing me of murder. Fortunately I was 60 miles away that night, safe with the kids at my father's home.

They are all safely out of the way now, 32 years have seen to that. I do not mourn any of them. I have my children and my grandson, even though I haven't seen my daughter in several years, as she is 300 miles away. My son is my carer now, age and infirmity is catching up with me (I'm 75). I don't need to forgive, I know I won't see any of them again.

Cheers, Midori

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

It is definitely hard to forgive one's abuser. I was abused by my parents. Not physically but emotionally and verbally for many years. And I have the everlasting scars from that. Both parents are still alive. However my dad is not the sharpest tool in the shed. I cannot convey the pain that he put me through as a child. How I would cry for him and bug my mom and ask when's Daddy coming home. He doesn't quite understand that. And maybe that's because hurt people hurt other people. He was a child of physical and sexual abuse. And with his limited brain function certain things just don't click. My mother on the other hand. Had her wits about her and knew exactly what she was doing. Even though it was wrong still did it anyway. With her I was able to have a sit-down conversation and go over the hurt that she put upon me and how that affected me. It was difficult a lot of tears were shed. But it was cleansing and I got an apology. Which helped me let go of that anger. My dad I forgive him. I understand that anger doesn't serve me well. In fact it does nothing for me. I've come to accept the fact that sometimes you just don't get closure. And you have to live with that. Kind of the way you are right now. You won't get closure. Because both your parents are gone. You can ask him why they did what they did. And explain to them what they did to you and how it affected you. Symbolically I guess you can write them both a letter. Write to them about what they did to you. How that affected you growing up. How much it hurt you. Express your anger in it as well. And don't worry about it sounding pretty just write it all out. That in itself is an act of self-care. And as someone already said here forgiveness is the individual thing. After you write out these letters or just one letter. See how you feel. And then go and burn it. And maybe that burning of those letters symbolically you can see you're letting go of your anger.I wish you the best of luck on this difficult journey 💓