Kinda okay jokes about Anxiety and depression

[Former_Smart_kid]

I mentioned this before but I often use humor as a way to cope and I have some of my favorite jokes written down and I felt like this would be the right space to share them. If you think I should change anything or if you have a good joke please feel free. (It’s pretty long so don’t feel pressure to read the whole thing)

There’s something I carry with me at all times in my person I don’t wanna brag about but it’s… depression. Suffering from depression is awful because it means feeling sad for no reason… but then remembering why. Luckily there are certain types of weather that are better than others. The rain is nice because it reminds me why I got into the sad game. It is also great going up to an optimist in the rain and getting uncomfortably close and saying “you’re in my world now”, which is followed by them walking briskly away because a strange kid just approached them and freaked them out. Adding to the sadness, I also get really unmotivated. I could either learn guitar or eat Cheetos on my couch in a sunggy. Spoiler alert - I choose Snuggitos 9 times out of ten, I get so little done because, why do something if it’s not really gonna matter? Is doing the dishes gonna help any more than my 11th re-run of the office? I don't think so. I constantly have this annoying voice in my head that fills me with intrusive thoughts, my favorite is you should go up to a random couple and yell “you should have been with me! Who is this other man?” Then run away fake crying. That would be (Jim Carrey Style) Counterproductive. I I wish there was a parade for depressed people to help lighten our moods except all the floats would have frowny faces and no one would show up because we would all be too busy crying in our basements. Depression is awful though, and my heart goes out to anyone currently suffering because it is a total pain and unlike Hellen Keller, it is very hard to fight.Second Paragraph Anxiety mixed with depression is a killer 1-2 punch. The anxiety comes in first with the oh my god our nation is run by a man who should be in a nursing home, and our forests are burning hotter than Chris Hemsworth shirtless and our main export is crappy tik tok dances, and then anxiety tags in its duo depression that hits me with you can’t do anything… life is meaningless… just go cry in a corner… by yourself… forever… and maybe think about Chris Hemsworth. My friends always tell me to calm down and not be so anxious and I tell them that it doesn’t work that way, I wake up and it's like going 90 miles an hour downhill without a seatbelt blindfolded, I go from peaceful dreaming to oh my god I'm gonna fail school and work at McDonald's for the rest of my life, then I start worryingly practicing my burger flipping just in case. I have a bunch of types of anxiety, like social anxiety which is one of the most common, it has gotten to the point where social interaction is terrifying, anytime I meet someone I just go into a spiral and end up talking about fun facts, which often scares them, like when I tell them squirrels can’t technically die from falling from any height which I imagine makes them wonder if I have tried… which I may or may not have, (three pounds on the chest and point to the air) you were a real one, Steve. The absolute worst though is when you are introducing yourself and you go for a handshake and they go for a fistbump, and then you realize you are in front of the mirror and don’t know who you are anymore.         Explaining my anxiety is always a trip whenever I’m at a restaurant and I need to make a substitution I ask someone else to do it and when they ask why I’m always left to try and say, that if I ask for no Cheese the waiter is going to be deeply offended get mad at me and start yelling about how I’m a little wimp boy who can’t eat cheese which would lead to me getting all sad and eventually pushing me into a depressive state which I know would be supplemtented by impulsive buying because material things makes me feel good but then I would run out of money which would definitely lead to me becoming a theft and I would be a bad theft because of how blinged up I am and the fact I don’t know how to steal things which would lead me to get caught, so basically to wrap it all up I can’t ask for no cheese because I will become a jail boy with credit card debt.        I also have had a lot of mental breakdowns. All of them are equally as fun and somehow they still suck after the 100th time. An average mental breakdown for me is one of two things either panicking about something bad or wondering what everything means. I know the second one sounds like an existential crisis but I make it work.   After realizing my situation I came up with two mantras, doable/passable, and my other favorite f-it we ball. Doable and passable works for not straining myself like when your teacher says 300-500 words but you write 250 and make the font slightly bigger with some gibberish in white writing underneath. But f-it we ball is awesome... For me, it just means this went wrong but we can move past it. But that's boring. F-it we ball is much more fun to say. Flunked your french test - F-it we ball, turned in an assignment a week late even though you had a whole month to do it - F-it we ball. F-it we ball has saved me from countless bouts with anxiety and depression because you know why we ball. There are a few ways to seek help and get better. I am a total believer in therapy. My therapist and I are like total besties. I tell her everything and she stays silent and listens which is my main criterion for friendship. Support groups can also work if you want people to relate to or being in an awkward room of sad people and talk about sadness.

[Wildchipmunk]

Hey smarty pants. You write really well with a lot of expression. Toy with the idea of possibly writing a book to help other young people who might be going through some of the same stuff you are. You know, it will get better. You are going to be okay. Just hold on tight!