Its now just over 3 years since losing my beloved David and the grief today is overwhelming.
So many doubts and regrets, so many could’ofs ,should’ofs,would ofs,I nursed him for over 6 years.
Looking back through all those years i find myself saying i could have been a better husband as i wasn’t always the perfect guy and so the guilt keeps on coming.
I rarely go far now as i seem to only feel safe at home, and when i do go out with friends, my heart isn’t in it,i enjoy nothing.
Today out shopping i decided to have lunch out in a local restaurant, but all this eating alone is so solitary and upsetting.
I tried joining a few social groups ,but then again i get no enjoyment from it.
Arriving home to an empty house is gut wrenching, although i do have 2 small dogs and its only because of them that i keep on going,they have been my salvation, because in all honesty i dont want to be here.
I find myself going to bed ridiculously early, because i see no point in sitting in an empty room.
Without meaning to sound bragging(because thats the last thing i am),i do live in a beautiful home,and yet all the things around me mean absolutely nothing now.
I used to be so houseproud ,but now not nearly as much, things i enjoyed is now a chore .
I feel i am giving up on life, and i have tried to get out to face the world, but i just feel hopeless and useless.
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secrets22
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I'm so sorry for the pain and loneliness you feel since losing David.
Guilt is very common when grieving. There are periods where we question and criticize our past actions. I'm sure were a loving husband.
You are still grieving your loss. You not only lost David but you lost your whole lifestyle. Everything has changed.
Eventually we have to push through and find a new way to live our lives after a loss. I'm not saying this is easy.
Have you tried grief support groups? Sharing with others that are trying to cope may be helpful. We have a bereavement group here on HU. I'm not sure if you are aware of that.
I am sending you caring thoughts and wishes that you can find some peace soon.
Hi Secret, Im so sorry for the loss of your David. Are you in the United States when I lost my mom almost 20 years ago I joined this group called Grief Busters and it really helped me. There are also other people who have recently lost their loved ones and they listen to you and understand what you're going through it was through being Visiting Nurses Association but it really helped me and I started volunteering right afterwards of senior citizens. I was at one of the meetings and I said something and then all of a sudden this heavy door opens and I think that was a sign for my mom. Everyone there was really shocked about that because nothing could open that door and there was nobody behind And I know that David is still around you because right after I lost my mom I saw several signs when I was at the cemetery and I was having a really hard time after I lost my mom and I was sitting there and a dragonfly came right up to my face and just lingered there for about maybe 10 seconds and then when I was about to leave the cemetery one time I had a hard time leaving and there is this little bird that came right up to the window and just after right next to the car once someone told me that even though your loved one is gone they're actually closer to you now not in the physical sense but they're closer to you and it felt better after hearing that I will be praying for you and I hope you find peace too.
I lost one of my sisters. I know she is still here with me. It's a peaceful feeling.
I attended a support group through the VNA also. They welcomed people that had no connection to the visiting nurses. I was happy that they allowed others in for support
That's why we talk and stuff to help and I think lot if us live in hell behind closed doors. I hate my life count the hours till it's over. Hate it. Human life is point blank hell one obstacle after another pain all day. I agree with you. Just look after your dogs and let them love n care for you
So sorry for your loss of David. I understand too well what you are going through as I lost "My" Mike Nov. of 2022. We were together 27 years, and the last three years of his life I cared for him. I did what I could for him, but I, too, have So many regrets that I wished I could have had more patience, done some things differently, ignored his hurtful remarks, at times, which came out of his utter suffering & fears. I have so many "should have," "could have," etc. We did love each other through it all; but, we were both under a lot of Stress, fear, and it was the time of the Pandemic (which is not by a long shot over). I am working with a Grief Counselor, and started with a Grief Support Group which is helpful. I feel the loneliness as you stated --go out with friends from time to time, but inside am hurting. Everything has changed --because when we lose someone So Very close, it changes us & our world. I guess, we have to work through it ( the grief), and it's just So Darn Difficult. You are Not alone. Praying for both of us.
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i do not want to be a mom. 
i dont get it
What is wrong with me that I feel I dont deserve to show myself any self respect?! I feel guilty/wrong for doing it. I think I need help 😕
I want to change 
I want to leave this house.
