So this is only my second post but I'm getting low. I was really low before and thought that if I wrote letters to my kids it might snap me out of it. I didn't do it because ultimately I feared the notion of, "Well, that's done. Might as well now"I've gone through the trouble of researching the suicide clause of life insurance policies. 1-2 years before they pay out.
Now, my wife and I are separated and live in the same house. Share a bed. We get along for the most part because I bite my tongue as I know what she's been up to. I read that when you're separated but want your spouse back to just let them do what they're going to do otherwise they'll resent you. I read to forgive. I'm 36 and realized with her that she's actually the first person I've truly loved and this whole scenario is breaking me.
I plan for the worst. I think I might be too good at planning. The plan isn't the issue. The issue is that I've accepted it. Like it's something that is going to happen. I'm not scared of it. I know what you're going to say:
*You've got kids and they need you.
-I love my kids. But if this all continues, I will no longer be the me they deserve. I will be bitter. Angry. Resentful. They deserve better.
-I cannot watch my kids go into a split home and have another man in their life. I won't.
I'm scared. I can't trust anyone. I guess it's not so much that I want to die. More that I don't want to be here. If that makes any sense. I want to hide. I want to get out of my skin. I want to just abandon everything and wipe my memory. Like, amnesia would be awesome. Waking up blank. Not knowing how completely crappy people are. Not remembering the betrayal. Nothing. I feel violent. Not towards anyone. I just want to punch something as hard as I can. I want to destroy something with my hands.
I journal. I write down all of the messed up stuff that runs through my head and it helps sometimes. I don't have any outlets. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I have a hard time spending money on myself. I feel stupid because I love this person so much and it feels like I mean so little. I just hate everything right now. Im lonely. The only person in the world I want comfort from won't give it. I used to be the guy that the night a relationship ended, I was with someone else. I can't even try to do that. It's not in me.
I haven't purchased a policy yet. I'm procrastinating as I know that puts everything in motion. As soon as it would go live, the clock starts ticking. What scares me is the lack of fear. I justify it with: Everyone should have the right to choose when, where, and how. The really messed up thing is, I don't think hardly anyone would show up to my funeral. And that honestly serves as more motivation than anything. I feel that if something happened to me whether by my own hand or happenstance, when 90% of people found out it would be along the lines of, "Oh damn, that's crazy. You wanna do Chipotle for lunch?"
Now, I cannot say this any clearer: I am not going to hurt myself in the immediate future. I'm trying to let stuff happen as it will and put my best effort out to turn the situation around. I just needed to get this shit out. I needed to blurt it out into the ether.
If you are reading this and are having thoughts similar, please do not act on any of your thoughts.
You are loved.
If you're going to comment resources or anything like that, please don't. I have called the numbers. I've spoken to my therapist. This is posted because I need a place to put it. If you identify or want to vent yourself, please comment. Open the dialogue. Maybe this post will save a life.
What has become of me? 
Struggling whether to celebrate nye with mom and sis or with my only friend left
I'm left wondering? 
How do you go on when you have nothing left?
Just Wanting to Talk about Friend who has left me
