TMS Treatments Made Me Realize I am Lonely

[Elizabeth830]

I had TMS treatments for depression that I have been medicated for since 1998. I didn't notice any miraculous change in myself but my therapist has noticed. I only noticed that I seem to want to be around people more but lack the skills to put myself out there and feel comfortable. I am typically the person who can feel alone in a room full of people. I have made some (what I would refer to as) close friends but it seems I keep going to them and they aren't coming to me. What is wrong with me? Why am I there for other people and no one is there for me? Do I just give off the vibe that I am OK? because I am not. I feel like I have been living in a fog for the last 25 years and now I want some of that time back.

[LifeIsThePitts]

I've just finished my 3rd round of TMS in 11 months. The first full series of 36 sessions that ended last April put me in remission for about 4-5 months. I went back in sep for 3 wks/11 sessions to get me back on my feet. And I just did 2 days of 10 accellerated sessions on Mon and Tues of this week cuz I couldn't get out of bed again. It has changed my life in wonderful ways, but I'm going to be doing maintenance once a month from here on to ensure I don't end up in the same debilitating state from Sept and Jan.

How long did your results last? Have you done any maintenance or have you had permanent success?

[Elizabeth830 in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

I was feeling pretty good until just before the holidays and I discovered that my husband has a lady friend that he just talks to on the phone for sometimes an hour or more and then sometimes shorter conversations multiple times per week. He says he isn't screwing her and I want to trust him, but I don't know. She is 10 years older than him and not attractive. But she boosts his ego, I don't anymore.

The place that I got my treatments said that I would be eligible for more treatments in six months if I didn't feel any results. If I had to say I had good results, they ended after seven months when I discovered the level of conversation my husband has had with this woman. They didn't offer any accelerated treatment options. They just said that my insurance would pay for another round in six months if I continued to go to counseling and had my meds managed.

I have been taking meds since 1998 and over the years have tried 15 different types. I did ween myself off them for about a month once. I felt great and could actually enjoy some things again. Then my husband ignored my needs for intimacy and the results were not good. I ended up trying cutting myself. It wasn't too much, just four little cuts and I didn't feel anything from it. Back on the meds I went.

Now, around the holidays I felt the need to cut myself again, this time 40 times and I have been on meds all along and go to weekly counseling. I felt like no matter how many ways I tried to tell my husband he was hurting me emotionally, he wasn't hearing me. I thought that maybe if I gave him a visual, he would in essence "hear me". Not so much. At times, I feel like an unhinged lunatic. I am not cutting now and I told my therapist. But why do I get so low? My therapist says I need a divorce from the narcissist I am married to, but I am not ready yet. I hate the concept of giving up and getting divorced.

Believe it or not, I am a successful person...I hide my depression well.

[LifeIsThePitts]

I don't take any prescription meds or antidepressants

[Stippler]

I have never had TMS treatments. But I do often feel lonesome in a crowd. A lot of this I think was caused by my not being around people my age while growing up. My family taught me that "children are to be seen but not heard." We were only mostly around adults, were not allowed to talk, and I never learned much in the way of social skills. So, when I am around more than one or two people, they talk but I don't. It is frustrating sometimes. If you want to chat, I am always looking for friends, as are many others here. Wishing you the best.

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Stippler]

I too was mostly around adults growing up. I can totally relate to the concept of the other people talking but I just listen. It is like there is never a lull in the conversation for me to say anything and when I try, someone else starts talking and I let them. I grew up with a perfectionistic mother. If I had friends over, it was always a hassle and a BIG deal. So I stopped having friends over. I don't like having friends over to my house now that I am an adult because I feel like it wouldn't be perfect.

I didn't really grow up in a neighborhood and the kids that were around were boys. I didn't have any female cousins either. It is funny because I am in education and I never have a problem connecting with kids. In fact, my depression makes me more sensitive to the needs of kids who I think are depressed or at the very least going through some tough shit.

[Stippler in reply to Elizabeth830]

My mother was also a perfectionist big time. When we were in the presence of adults talking, I had a way of "zoning out" off into my own little world. The consequences of that probably are my not knowing what to say in different situations. Since I couldn't participate, I just lost interest in talking. Also, I never knew what was going to set my mother off. I could say the most innocent of things, and get a slap in the face and a fat lip as a result. Then she would hide me away from everybody because she was worried she would get in trouble for hitting me too hard. At the time, I thought it was my fault, but now know it wasn't. I have been in therapy for 30 years now and hopefully getting better at socializing than I was back then.

[LifeIsThePitts]

None my treatment is covered by insurance and I pay out of pocket for everything. $7700 last year, $1000 this week and from now on $100-200 a month.

I am glad to FINALLY have a source of temporary relief with TMS cuz I can't live like this anymore. I'm 48 with childhood sexual abuse and trauma starting age 3, addiction and substance abuse, ADHD, anxiety and panic disorders, PTSD, treatment resistant depression.

I have self harmed in the past, but not since I our drug days during my late 20s. We were high functioning speed addicts for several years before almost destroying everything in our lives. We berely made it out alive, yet alone, together and still intact. We are hopelessly codependent and share similar childhood experiences, which bonded us through everything. Hubby has been estranged from his entire family for 6 years now. It's the best decision he's ever made. His family is disgustingly abusive and I'm glad to be through with the rollercoaster they had him on his whole life. Hubby is almost 53.

I am blessed to have a supportive husband. We've been married almost 23 yrs, together 27. But I've taken a serious toll on our marriage with my mental health and we've not been intimate for years now. I miss that aspect of our relationship but I don't know how to get it back. There are so many emotional walls between us at this point, it seems like an impossible task to break through them.

I totally understand the "unhinged lunatic" feeling. I was there just a few days ago. I'm so sorry you're living with a narcissistic husband. You deserve better support than that. The betrayal is real. Just cuz he's not sleeping with her doesn't mean he's not "cheating". It's emotionally damaging and painful regardless. Don't take it out on yourself. It's NOT YOUR FAULT!!

I will continue to do TMS for as long as I have to. It's the only thing that makes me normal. Please keep me updated on your own TMS experience. PM me for further conversation 💗so nice to meet you

[Thankfulforhelp22]

Greetings Elizabeth830.

I have been seeing a therapist since the mid-nineties. I have had 2 different therapists with a break in between because I “thought” I no longer needed it. I was so wrong

Both therapists were helpful but my current one is better because she is more interactive and that is good for me. I would say she has helped me a lot and it is great to have someone I feel free to open up to which is very hard for me.

She has not cured or fixed me nor do I really expect that. Therapy helps me see things more clearly, understand myself better and gives me some tools to face my demons.

I take medication as well and try to do things that help me find joy and conquer my fears. I am not where I want to be even with these things but I have made progress.

One of the best things she does is help me see my progress and change my flawed thinking.

I still get discouraged (I am old - over 60) and still get frustrated but therapy sessions almost always uplift me. I feel fortunate to have access to it.

I wish you well.

[david2424]

Hi Elizabeth

We are here for you. I am very grateful I found this platform. I am sorry you are experiencing these problems.

[LifeIsThePitts]

Hi Elizabeth830. Been a couple months and I wanted to check in on you. How are u feeling? Have things with your husband improved? How is your rekindled friendship coming along? I'm doing monthly maintenance TMS now. Doing well. Had a traumatic experience at the end of Feb. Just starting to recover now. Life has a way of blindsiding you when you least expect it and in the most unexpected ways.