It’s raining outside

[Orneb]

and I’m thinking about what I’d like to hear. Who I’d like to hear it from.

They would understand the weight of people’s expectations. How any sign you’re doing better must be a sign you were never doing poorly in the first place.

They would say “it’s not your fault” and that the life I want to want is still out there, and not going anywhere.

They would forgive me for whatever I feel so guilty about.

They would understand how nothing is rewarding.

They would know what’s important and what isn’t.

I could believe them when they say that it’ll get better.

Can I still believe that if they aren’t here?

The friend I need isn’t there. And the people on here all need friends of their own.

But NOBODY has the bandwidth to take on someone else’s problems.

Or maybe they just don’t care to.

Ketamine didn’t work. I’m now waiting 2 weeks to see if I’m doing worse, in which case we’ll move on to TMS.

I wish I could be different. I wish I was better. Because at this point I don’t know what I even value about myself. What would I give up if it meant being better? What would it take?

But life’s not like that. Suffering doesn’t always mean happiness later. Sometimes suffering is just suffering.

I want to be better. I want to so much. But it’s been so long. How would I even know if I was?

The friend in the rain would know.

They could give me the confidence nobody else can.

They can give the insight I need.

They can give me hope.

the rain is stopping.

[Agora1]

I like your writing Orneb..very intense.

That friend in the rain and the only true friend we have is within us.

The loneliness and confusion at times makes us feel we have no one.

No one understands, no one cares, at least it seems like that to us.

Only we have the "key" to open the door of all we want. That key is

buried deep within our minds. Everything starts with a thought. Whether

it be negativity or positivity.

Whichever one we roll with is what we will get.

Yes, life is tough but is a learning experience like no other.

I cannot predict if and when you will feel better and get the answers you need,

that is all up to you. But I can say one thing, I support you because I care xx