I’m inferior

[Gurbfeld]

The overwhelming feeling of inferiority consumes me everyday. The fact that no matter what I do or try, there are people out there doing it better while I’m still mediocre. Right now, there’s a guy out there who wasn’t the most popular or mentally healthy person out there in school, but still had friends (which included some popular kids) and was generally well liked by most people. He experienced relationships, started driving and working when he was as young as possible, and is off now at college doing whatever. That doesn’t even begin to mention the kids who were and are still absolute social butterflies who have been socializing and getting dates since they were 13. Then there’s someone like me, who was an absolute outcasted subhuman freak who even the teachers dunked on. Everyone looked at me and knew my life was over before it even began. Nobody liked me, nobody ever cared or befriended me. I’ve lost so many memories and experiences that I’ll never forgive or recover. I’m supposed to have gone off to college by now, but I haven’t and now it’s too late which is basically a death sentence for developing a social life and social skills. Even at work I’m literally physically and mentally incapable of socializing or being interesting. The guys coming into my store with their girlfriends who are hanging out with friends and going to parties and events are objectively superior to me and nothing I do or want will ever matter when they’ve been living that life since school. I’m utterly talentless and unloved, my life was utterly destroyed and ruined in school. Nothing matters or is important anymore. I’m objectively unwanted and unloved. I’ll never be loved or successful while literal children are successful in ways I’ll never be. Eventually my encroaching thirties when I’ve never do much as held a girl’s hand or gone to a friend’s house will get to me, and I’ll kill myself. I wish I was put out of my misery in high school, I’ve done thing but declined since then.

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you are feeling these ways. I know that it is hard not to, but you do not need to compare yourself to these other people. You can still find your happy place. It does not have to come from some societal archetype of what it is to be beautiful nor successful nor happy. Most will agree that real happiness comes from within (pardon the cliche). What are the things that bring you happiness? Can you find ways to connect with others who feel the same way about these things. You are already reaching out to connect with others who understand your pain. That is a good thing. Perhaps my pain was attracted to yours tonight. It is good to know others hurt in the same ways that you do. And that better times may be right around the corner. Sending you lots of love. You deserve it. ❤️

[designguy]

Whatever happened to you caused you to believe things about yourself that aren't true and never were and the truth is that you did the best you could at the time in order to survive. You are also making cognitive distortions and thinking errors about others and how wonderful their lives are that also aren't true or realistic. You may have been shamed or punished for trying to be yourself or trying to stand up for yourself or be proud of yourself as many of us were. Many of us were also bullied in school and believed it was our fault when the truth is that it wasn't, it was the fault of our perpetrators because they had shame about themselves. It is definitely possible to heal and realize that life is an inside job and not an outside one and reclaim your self-esteem/self-worth. The first step is having the courage to find a therapist to help you but it will be worth it.

[Gurbfeld in reply to designguy]

The thing is I’m so behind everybody else. Even at work, everyone else is interacting and talking with each other so perfectly when I can’t even come close to being interesting. I’m so behind everyone and underdeveloped when compared to people half my age. I’m so unsociable and unlovable when compared to literal teens and college kids who come into the store who’s lives are magnitudes better and more eventful than mine. At some point I guess I’ve realized how badly I’ve fucked up. Who wants to teach a grown man how to talk to people when they learn how to since they were 14? I wish sometimes I was just put out of my misery in school if I knew how my life would turn out.

[designguy in reply to Gurbfeld]

The truth is that none of that is true about you and it's up to you to get help and quit hating yourself and learn how to have compassion for yourself. It takes courage but it is definitely possible to heal yourself and learn how to be compassionate to yourself. I spent years internalizing my anger from being bullied in school and having a crappy childhood and hating myself but when I realized what was really going on I got help and started healing, you can definitely do it too. it's not nearly as hard to do as it seems in the beginning.

[Gurbfeld in reply to designguy]

My school life hurt me. It hollowed me out of any little bit of happiness, joy or desire to do anything worthwhile and filled me all the way back up with hate and contempt. I’ve lost out on so much in life, so many experiences and memories that my peers simply got to experience it. I don’t feel like a person anymore, just a flesh robot. I don’t feel like I actually have emotions or ambitions like a person. I can’t do things as basic as do laundry or read a book or tie my own shoes, I just don’t have the energy or willpower to have that moment of realization and commitment to making things better. I’m so inferior to everyone else and just so tired. Nothing I do could ever be fulfilling to me if I’m not like everyone else who’s succeeding in life or romance. I’m not worthy of ever being happy or fulfilled. I want to die and just be relieved of this shithole existence.

[designguy in reply to Gurbfeld]

Sorry you feel that way but know that there is help for you if you decide you want it.

[Gurbfeld in reply to designguy]

if it makes you feel any better, I am receiving therapy and taking meds which I’m going to get reevaluated. It’s just very hard to let it all go and move on.

[designguy in reply to Gurbfeld]

Good for you but it's not about me feeling better, it's about you being responsible for your own life.

[Brooklyn99 in reply to Gurbfeld]

Hey, I am sorry that you feel this way. The truth is that objectively you are not behind anyone else because your journey is completely different than everybody else's. No two people can have the same life. You are your own person. You are still very young. Personality doesn't solidify even till your late 20s. You are not doomed. Trust me, you still have time. Try not to do things that others are doing. If you want a relationship or a friendship, ask why. What are your values, what are you looking for in life? How can you serve people around you better. A lot of people in this world didn't have a particular set of friends and they never married but they did service to other people and are still loved by all. The people who you think are living the stereotypical life have lost a lot and probably made a lot of sacrifices to become who they are but that is usually not evident.

[Gurbfeld in reply to Brooklyn99]

How can I feel that I’m not doomed? I’m too old to go to college and have that experience everyone gets to have. The worst thing I could possibly do to someone in a relationship is being inexperienced and underdeveloped. Who wants to teach an overgrown manchild how to do romantic/sexual relationships when they’re looking for someone who’s been experienced since high school to provide them something they need/want? Nobody wants a sloppy idiot with nothing to offer anyone who couldn’t even get a single date in high school or college. I’m simply unloved and unwanted, eventually I’ll be 30 with less experience than people half my age, and I won’t be able to take it anymore. I’m just bitter and disappointed at this point. Nobody wants me, I’ve been cast aside and discarded.

[Brooklyn99 in reply to Gurbfeld]

I understand. It may sound far fetched but opportunities keep coming as you live. Sometimes we find it hard to see them. I am just a year younger than you I guess. I have seen so many people get into higher education even when they are above 25 years old. It's not too late for you. If you want to get educated then by all means go ahead. Also, education isn't the only thing that makes someone successful. Everyone has different goals. Some need education while some don't. When it comes to relationship, you gotta approach people If you like them. Rejection is a part of life so it's cool. If you think you are lacking in communication skills then get better at them and practice it. Relationships are supposed to be give and take. Think about what YOU bring to the table. Experience doesn't matter to a lot of people. If you are ready to learn then anyone will be willing to teach you. Don't let your mind tell you that you can't do better in life. Everyone deserves to belong. You do too. I would suggest that you study yourself and observe yourself. What are you shotr comings? What are your strength? Then you can work on them. Nobody will make your dreams come true. You have to make it happen for yourself. I wish you all the best.