From tantrums to powerplays, to passive-aggressive comments. It's like a rerun of a terrible Soap Opera I can't get out of.

[silentdreamer20]

I thought if I didn't react then she would have nobody to argue with and things would fall back to how they'd been the last year. I mean, how long can a grown woman really throw a tantrum over not getting her way? I assumed by not reacting she couldn't fight with herself and she would just let it go. Of course, I was wrong. The power play she used was to remind me that I needed her to take me to my treatment, which was followed by passive-aggressive comments about my house. I cannot describe how I feel right now. Especially considering no one is acknowledging any of this. It seems unless she directly attacks me in one form or the other then it either isn't so bad, or it's "just her". I am going on a week of being highly triggered and trying to work my way around it without giving any reactions to her or anyone else because that will make it worst. That is what she wants. Once I do react, I will be the villain and that is what she thrives on. I find myself searching for remote work. I want to for myself, but also to show them that I am not some lazy pos just lounging around mooching off of their son. But then when my treatments started wearing off and I got the next one, I didn't have that boost reaction I did with the previous one. It's still so touch-and-go with it... It kind of worries me. I don't want to completely get my hopes up (let's face it, I did after last month was amazing), but I need something to hold on to. Hopefully, after a few days since having this last infusion, I will start to benefit from it as well. Maybe it won't kick in as fast as last time. I will not spiral. I have come too far to spiral. I know this woman is one of the biggest triggers in my life and I WILL NOT LET HER GET TO ME. I will NOT spiral...😩 I hope things shape up before I have to spend Christmas with her. I will blow up if she starts talking crap about every dish I make, every decoration, or if she doesn't think something is clean enough. Nooooope! Can't do it!

[Hidden]

Hi,

Your title hit such a cord with me that went back and read some of your previous posts. I am recovering from what I now know has been narcissistic abuse. It is uncanny how much what you say here and in your previous posts "mesh" with what I went through. I use "soap opera" to describe it too. That's exactly what it feels like, right? A really bad soap opera. It's horrifying. It's stuff from nightmares. Since this is a fairly new realization for me, I am still getting over the shock. I'm so sorry that you and your family are dealing with someone like this. You said in one of your posts that it's not about you but about them. That is SO right! I wonder if they know this? I had my 4th trauma session yesterday. I went in there with so many questions that I had a feeling the therapist was getting overwhelmed. We didn't get to half of them. These people are absolute terrors! I'm supposed to focus on the fact that I do have lots of support and that I am a person of value. The therapist said that I can ask myself the questions of why this is happening, why did this person do this and that to me, etc. until I'm blue in the face. Since I won't be able to make sense of this person, she told me that my time is better spent protecting myself.

You will not let her get to you. YES! You can do that! I can do that! It's empowering for me to hear you use those words, so thank you!!! My therapist said a similar thing. She said that I can't let her destroy me because I'm stronger than that.

This is a person who goes to the same church as I do. I haven't gone since June so as to build myself up. I need to get to the point where I can deflect her toxicity. I'm not there yet. I'm still at the point where I would take in any negativity she throws my way. I hope you're be okay at Christmas. What I've started doing is tapping the left side of my forehead. It's a left-over technique from EMDR that I've discovered works for me. I know everyone has different techniques, but I thought I'd share that one anyway...

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

I am sorry you're living with someone like this as well. My problem is, no one can tell it's bothering me when it happens now. I don't react to her. I don't bite back like I used to. I smile and be the nicest person and so loving. You'd think she'd quit, but it's still going on. Inside, I am internalizing EVERYTHING and it's driving me nuts. I am back to obsessing and "fortune-telling" as they call it in therapy. But I'll be damned if I show her she's getting to me. Your therapist is right. You can question why you all you want, but people like this are who they are. You can't change anything to stop it. I can tell you, we were good for JUST about a year... You know what changed? We had a disagreement. A simple disagreement about MY child being allowed to make her own decision on attending a birthday party for a relative she hasn't seen in three years. She flipped out and acted like a child, lashing out at both me and my twelve year old as if we killed her dog. It continued with the self-pity, the guilt trips, until she finally decided it wasn't working and punished my daughter with the silent treatment. Little does she know, I work with my daughter on "Healthy Boundaries" and my daughter's response to her grandmother is, "I am the child here, not her. Why do I have act like the adult?" She's over it. She's getting old enough to see the spirals and the punishment routines. She says it's awful and it isn't fair. I also found out that while I've been thinking things have been so good, my MIL has been talking to my daughter about things she shouldn't. Trying to scare her into not telling her dad and me things they discuss. I feel like I am going to explode with anger. Everything I want to say, should've said, would've said... But I won't. The moment I do she turns into the victim and I am the villain- which is exactly what she's aiming for. I have learned that I cannot control her behavior. I am not the reason for her behavior. I can only control my responses. And I have a choice whether or not to react. As much as I want to react, I will not give her the ammunition. My therapist actually told me to do research on Borderline Personality Disorder because my MIL has displayed many symptoms, at least from my rants in therapy about her. I actually came on her to post something. Maybe you will relate to it as well. I'm here if you ever want to talk. Be strong!

[Hidden in reply to silentdreamer20]

Hi. This was a friend of mine. I thought that was bad enough, so I can only imagine what you are going through. I am so very sorry. You're right; it's not fair.

You might want to look up narcissistic personality disorder (narcissism). This is what my therapist concluded after my rants to her. I don't want to go against what your therapist concludes, though, so this is just a recommendation.

Reading up on narcissism has put almost all of this person's behaviors into perspective. These people are terrors; I have never read anything so horrifying! I can relate to much of what you write here, including the thing that caused everything to change. It was something she perceived as a disagreement. For me, it was my right (setting a boundary). For her, it was a threat (losing control of me). I'm not sure what's worse: the silent treatment, blaming me for everything, telling me the things she told me, doing the things she did, looking back in hindsight and seeing there were red flags I chose not to heed, etc.. I'm not going to analyze it, though. Neither am I going to blame myself. I did that for 7.5 months and I am done with that.

Thanks for the offer to talk, but I have talked about this all year and I am pooped. I am actually trying to get back to focusing on grieving. I lost my mom last August. This friend stepped up to support me. I wish I had realized her true motives a long time ago.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

Personally, I agree with NPD. I know she is a one and I think her husband is a covert narcissist. I have been listening to Empathy and the Narcissist podcasts and it's pretty empowering and honestly, it's been enlightening. Especially the one about Dealing with a narcissist at Christmas. It talks about when they lose control and they love bomb you. So, I've been ignoring her since all of that happened last week. I have nothing to see to her. So, she called me yesterday and I ignored her. She made me this soup that I like and corn bread and left it on my porch last night. My family is in town so both families were together Saturday night because my dad and my FIL are friends and my dad invited my inlaws to dinner with us. My MIL made comments to my FIL about him being loud (knowing my dad is a very loud person) so it was kind of a dig at my dad in an underbelly kind of way, but she was far enough away from my parents that only I heard her. She then explained to me about the loudness. I explained, my family is loud and I don't care, I don't care if my FIL is loud. He's welcomed to be himself with us. I AM NOT ASHAMED of him. She gave me a look from hell. She was the only one at the whole table acting like an ass about anything. Like you said, we haven't done anything wrong. This is a personal problem they deal with that they push off on other people. It's time we let them know we don't care. I am trying not to internalize things. And I think the more I grasp this is a her problem and has nothing to do with me, the more I am accepting that I haven't done anything. Not having any communication has helped me a lot. I'm proud of you for moving forward. That's a huge step. They really get into our heads and it's terrible how they have the ability to do that. I wish you all the best ❤️

[Hidden in reply to silentdreamer20]

Thanks. Yes, I think you're right; the more we realize this has to do with them and not us, the more it helps. It doesn't make it any less horrifying, but it does help. I wish you all the best as well.

[Hidden]

Hi there,I hope you're doing okay. I wanted to share what I just put up on my fridge. It'll be up there for as long as it takes for me to believe it.

My affirmation for as long as it takes me to believe it

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

What a great idea! Affirmations are so great!

[Hidden in reply to silentdreamer20]

They sure are! The idea is for me to read this one whenever I leave and enter the house.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

That's a great idea!