Doubt

[Mishell11]

Hey so, my relationship anxiety has not suppressed a bit as I have understood myself. And also I don't know but I see that my boyfriend who had a girl best friend to whom he was much dependent on is hiding things from me about her and he even told me that during the initial days of the relationship, he had not moved on from her. And now we have been fighting about it as he is saying that even after 4 months I am not forgetting things and trusting him again. He told me he can't deal with me like that, and only if I understand him for a 100% or trust him completely, he would want to stay with me. Hes asking if I could change.

I know I could, but only if he's transparent to me and he tells me that every human lies upto 20% in their life for their own survival, i get it. But there are things that can be said yet he chooses to not say which I would figure out later and realize that he was lying to me. So now he's asking me to decide.

I have two thoughts in my mind, it is that he tells me I bring out the worst character in him and I am giving very much pressure over this same issue. And I really don't want to bother him anymore, but I still love him. So what should I do? I am just in dilemma. I know he wouldn't understand my anxieties when I am in a relationship due to my past traumas, he would blame and say that I am just making his present worst due to my bad past.

So, if anyone of you could just tell me. That would be lovely. I want to conclude this conversation as soon as possible as I have a job and relationship at stake.

[Hidden]

Personally, I would say goodbye and move on. You deserve someone who loves and understands you, flaws and all. If it’s this complicated now, just imagine how complicated it could get in even more stressful situations. Don’t change who you are for him. Find someone who loves you for just being you. His “20% lies being survival tactics” comment would have me running for the door. You deserve better.

Wishing you well!

[StrugglingCaregiver]

You two are not compatible. It's not your fault and you don't owe anybody the trust he is demanding. Trust needs to be earned. You want a partner that brings out the best in you and vice versa. Somebody who makes you smile when you think about them. Somebody who has your back 100%. Somebody who would take a bullet for you. Not this guy. I'd cut him off, block his number, and stay single for a bit. Figure out what you want, need, and deserve. Don't settle.

[designguy]

I think trust is at the core of a healthy relationship and it sounds like you are already having doubts about him and your relationship and it is a red flag for you and you should listen to your instincts. It also sounds like he is doing a form of gaslighting you which should be another flag for you. You might also take this time to improve your relationship with yourself and heal your relationship anxiety and find a good therapist to work with. There is also a lot of good info on youtube about healing relationships, self-worth and self/esteem.

[Midori]

Ooh, Difficult one, this.

You say he has lied to you, but expects total transparency and devotion from you?

What I see is red flags waving frantically. I reckon this is an abusive relationship waiting to swing into high gear, there is already abuse happening here, saying you should trust him 100%, when he has already proved he can't be trusted.

I think you know what you should do, boot him before he goes much farther. I had 15 years and 2 children with one like him (and the broken bones to prove it!)

Cheers, Midori

[Mishell11]

Thankyou guys, I have been thinking about it still, I have asked him to keep lesser contact with me as I have things to fix and decide about myself and the relationship. Thankyou all of you, Sometimes you know you are doing it wrong, but you just want someone lashing it at your face.

[Raggedy-Ann]

He sounds manipulative. He lies. He will continue to lie to your face. He has all the power in the relationship since you love him. RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! There is an unlimited amount of men. There are men who you can trust, love and feel secure loving. Be strong and move on or he will use your love against you.