Another Holiday season

[Volcano65]

Made it through another Thanksgiving alone. I really do have a lot to be thankful for, but it's frightening to be getting older by myself. My brother, who is the only family I have left, hasn't spoken to me in 24 years. I'm thinking of sending a Christmas card to his old address to see if he's still there, but I'm afraid to. I think he's unstable and potentially violent.

[Agora1]

Volcano, don't let this time of the year put you in jeopardy because you don't want

to grow older alone. There must be a reason you believe your brother to be unstable

and violent. Think twice as to if it's worth having your life turned upside down after

24 years. Watch what you wish for. xx

[Volcano65 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you, Agora1. Good word.

[Frankie24]

Could you possibly volunteer at a soup kitchen or some other volunteer jobs surrounding the Holiday season. This way you wouldn’t have to be alone and would probably feel pretty good about yourself and also meet other volunteers. The holidays can be very hard if you are alone !! I also agree, don’t try contacting your brother if you already know it’s not a good situation. If he is unstable and violent you could potentially be putting yourself in harm’s way.

[RemySue]

I'm alone a lot of the time. Being used to it and happy is a work in progress!

[Anahwm]

Yeah it's scary I'm going through that February next year I will be 30 and still alone I'm beginning to think that I will never find that special someone. Regarding your brother just try to seek him out

[Babe1213]

Hi Volcano, I am assuming your are from U S A, as you mention Thanksgiving - It saddens me to know there are still so many people world wide - meaning a world that is full of people -who struggle with loneliness. I would like to share my story of my brother who I didn't only think he was violent and unstable, I KNEW IT TO BE TRUE. My brother was the nastiest piece of work ever on this planet. In the 1950's, 60's, he thought nothing of going out and hurting people - mainly it was black people, and gay people. He was a bastard in every way but the true way, that is he was born to married people. My mother adored him, he abandoned her, she died longing to hold him one more time my father beat him - every time he erred he was beaten. He abandoned his only child, and his wife committed suicide by jumping off a 16 storey tower block. Such dreadful waste of life. Moving on my nephew acquired HIV, sadly he passed away, his maternal grandma, contacted me to let my brother know. From 9 years of age until I was 16 my brother raped me most nights - I told my mum, she just said, 'Don't tell your dad, he'll blame you!' He abused me in every possible way. We went for pretty much the same time as you, 24 or so years with no contact. Then one day I had 2 police officers knock on my front door, brother had been found in Inverness, Scotland - living as a tramp - vagrant. He'd had my telephone number in his pocket and address. He was taken into custody, police wanted me to claim him. I wouldn't. He escaped custody and got on a train from Inverness to Edinburgh, and again apprehended by police and placed in social care in that city. The staff there wanted me to have contact with him - I couldn't! However staff called me every two weeks with updates - I wasn't interested. About 4 months later I had a call to say brother had been taken to hospital and found to have cancer of the tongue, he was dying. I wasn't really interested, but the home still kept in touch. I became a complete mess - I'd recently had breast cancer myself for the second time and had a mastectomy. My husband realised how much I was struggling and insisted I went to Edinburgh to see my brother by now in a hospice. When I arrived at a place in Edinburgh called St Mungo's and saw my brother for the first time in almost 30 years he looked pathetic. No longer the thug I had known, but little weak, and scared. I was given a room to stay in at the hospice, and over the next few days demanded answers about why he had been such a bastard to me and to others. He couldn't talk, most of his tongue had been cut away, and he had a tracheotomy, I made him answer on paper. After the 'business' side was over and I told him I had forgiven him - I told him of my grandchildren, I had just 4 at that time including a mixed race child (I have 15 now). He wrote down could he have a photo - but not of the mixed race child. I said, No, all of them or none of them. Eventually he asked for all of them. He didn't actually get to see the photo, the following night he became close to death, I sat with him, holding his, praying for him, and watching him wrestle with GOD. GOD won, and as my brother gave his last breath everything became still, quiet and peaceful. Later I went home for a week and returned to officiate at his funeral. I tenderly placed the photo of the grandchildren - all of them at that time in his coffin. Then I took his ashes back to my home in west London, kept them for 18 months in a cupboard, then I interred them into our parents grave. It was hard, but it was so worthwhile. As a Christian I have been taught how to love, the only way I could get through those dark weeks was to look into my brothers eyes and see Christ - We don't have to LIKE people, but as a Christian I must love them.

That was in 2004 - My life has been so much different, I was able to challenge the wrongs, to come to a point of acceptance, to forgive, and to move on. My advice for you is 'go for it' write to your brother at his old address, if he responds you don't have to see him, but it may help to talk on the telephone or computer. See how things go, and be guided by your own instincts. You are still a young woman - by today's standards - (that is assuming you are 65 as your name suggests) that's almost 10 years younger than I. Then I suggest you take some sort of stock of your life. Have you ever thought of some voluntary work with elderly or infirm people - here in UK we have systems of telephone calls to the old and vulnerable, or home visits, or you could join a church and get to know people, charity - or - Goodwill stores, need volunteers, get out, meet people, share your love with them, get rid of the loneliness, and look forward. Do please keep us informed and in touch with how you are doing. I hope my story doesn't bore you. You may never have another chance as I did. Finally learn to love yourself, then you will be better equipped to love your brother even if you don't like him. God's blessings be with you xx