ive been on this platform for years, for as long as i can remember it was my only hope and i was on it 24/7, just seeking reassurance so i can sleep the night, now i open it once a year, out of curiosity nothing else.
since this scared little paranoid teenage boy came here worried about his ocd and health anxiety 4 years ago i seeked a bit of therapy (definitely not as much as i should but better than nothing), and i dont think people who have seen my posts before would believe where i am now.
After finding out my triggers, and how best to work through them, the guy who was scared of his own shadow is now living alone somewhere in europe, pursuing higher education, and working at the same time, i am thankfully doing well academically, financially and socially, i crossed off all my goals for this past year and a half, i bought a car, i got laser eye surgery, i experimented, tried alot of new stuff, seen so many new countries, i am finally close to finishing this degree, i kept my brain open, there is probably so much i want to say but i think the only message i want to hand out is that i swear im not here to brag, i did feel anxious here, and it wasnt all rainbows and butterflies, i had anxiety attacks, nightmares in the where i felt that im not strong enough or good enough or whatever it is enough, but i was able to achieve all that, then you can to, you can do it, just DO IT SCARED, i think the best thing i have ever done is forced myself to do stuff, sign up for a presentation eventhough i hated public speaking, take the plane instead of the train because im afraid of flying, go to the doctor for a physical because i have white coat syndrome, the key is not to stop being scared on anxious, because you will never overcome a natural human emotion, but you can let not control you as much, know that its ok to feel anxious, but im still going to experience as much as any other human, thats when i stopped feeling sorry for myself and actually started things like upward, im not saying all paths are similar, and obviously it wasnt a walk in the park, but im hoping this gives you the push you needed, to do that thing, travel, or quit that job, or whatever it is... (im not condoning anything haha)
To me, traveling outside of my environment was something i dreaded for so so long, i was scared to leave all i have ever known, eventhough the environment was not very supportive or happy, i still wanted to stay in this familiar bubble, but as soon as i stepped into that plane i feel like i became a different person, i still go back sometimes and feel shocked that ME, I DID THAT, alot of things helped, but mainly traveling really makes you stronger mentally and emotionally.
you know my family are great but i think i talked alot about how dysfunctional and controlling they can be, and although im independent, their approach was definitely toxic and manipulative even if it was not on purpose, for these past few months i did not feel very home sick, i just felt the opposite of what people said, i did not feel sad, i did not feel lonely, maybe there was a few instances where i missed certain aspects of my previous living situation, but my family came here this week, and eventhough it was fun, a few hiccups during their stay made me realize why i did not feel super sad to leave, because i was always felt tense around them, unhappy, just pretending to be enjoying spending time with them, which was sad because theyre semi good people, but definitely there are some root causes that i think wont be resolved soon, and i dont think i want to put in effort to do so especially since it doesnt always feel mutual to go the distance, i guess time will tell.
