Painful Loneliness

[FortressOfSolitude]

It comes on as my mind turns against me, as it is oft to do.

"No one wonders how you are. No one hopes you're ok. No one is looking forward to seeing you."

Of course, that's aside from mother, brother, and daughter. But that's it. No one else.

Then it occurred to me. If I passed in my sleep, it would be days before anyone knew. Then there would only be 3 people out of 8 billion who'd care. That's a terrifying and depression notion.

I am socially savvy though. I am a successful leader at work. I host in-person and online events that people seem to enjoy. But when that's done, I'm surrounded by oppressive loneliness again.

I've tried dating apps with initial success that usually ends in disappointment, but I don't think it's the women's fault. I put my best self forward, full of confidence, ambition, and potential. I get dates, and I never expect intimacy on a first date. I've even got second and third dates. At some point though, they get too busy or just lose interest. I often feel like I'm a Plan B they're holding onto in case their Plan A doesn't work out. Then Plan A works out for them, and I'm let go.

[Sosmall]

Feeling lonely is so hard. I can relate - successful career, supportive small family, but no one else. Although, when I really think about it, are those that are here for me somehow less worthy than those who aren’t? What is it about those “others” that I’m really looking for?

It is very hard, but is there a way you could lean into the people you do have rather than thinking about those that aren’t in your life? You do have love from your mother, brother, and daughter. There likely also are people at your work who do care about you - sometimes it’s just really hard to see it. And there is the community here, online, that truly is trying to be there for one another. Is there a way to tap into that to help reassure yourself during these times of loneliness that you are worthy and loved?

[Hidden]

This is going to sound so silly, but I was watching King of the Hill last night.

Bill, a manic depressive, was left to babysit Bobby, who had recently broken up with his middle school girlfriend Connie. It was a completely amicable breakup, and the two were still great friends. Bill managed to convince Bobby that he should be extremely depressed about the breakup and that he'd never find love again.

Bobby's self-esteem completely dropped. He became obsessive over getting Connie back and continually embarrassed himself. He pushed Connie away with his desperation.

I guess there's like a Bill in all of our minds that convinces us that we'll never find someone, so we should give up, but that's the exact way to never find someone! Bill is a a borderline alcoholic divorcee. Don't listen to Bill! Keep putting yourself out there.

[Hidden]

Isn't it enough that you have a mother, brother and daughter that care! Some people don't even have that.

[BrainIsFull]

I understand feeling lonely. Like really painful, utter loneliness combined with terror. It is probably the scariest feeling for me. I know that we are not alone.

For me, it has been important to understand where those feelings of panic come from and to look at what I can do to work through them.

Your experience with dating sounds typucal to me. You have had some fairly positive sounding dates, even a few "repeats" but you have not developed anything long term-yet. So you have to keep going until YOU find someone who YOU want to continue seeing.

I also like the idea of finding something that you like and joining it. Not necessarily to hoom up with someone but to have something to do that you enjoy doing with other people.

[designguy]

It could be that you would benefit from spending time improving your self-worth and self-esteem that would benefit your relationship with yourself and with others. I'm amazed at how much it impacts our lives and how important it is. There is a lot of good info on youtube about this as well as books and programs available.

[Wednesday58]

hello fortress of solitude, I know how you feel, no real successful job just a job to pay the bills keep the lights per say. Kicker is my only child and her husband live with me and even with 3 people in the house just feels like me alone. Over Christmas just couldn’t deal with loneliness depression, anxiety so took a bunch of pills then realized that is not the answer had them take me to the hospital and physically ok, but they are more pissed than concerned. So none one is talking to each other. So I saw this forum and hey you are not alone.