Married with 2 kids for 12 years recently I started feeling attracted towards a girl in the office, she is married,most probably not interested in this,anyway I don't want to be interested in this either,but sadly I am because I started matching my meal times to see her,then I knew I messed up,already under treatment for sleep issues and anxiety since 2016
The girl and I don't work together,only common thing is the bus we travel
so as a therapist suggested,I tried talking to her,we share a common group for bus timings,to make her notice I posted some of my educational details I did while working
She congratulated me,so I thought fine,it would be a good way to interact atleast to know what my feelings are actually
As she is in hr,I asked her if she could help me to update my details,she called me over,she had a meeting going on,no idea why did she call in the first place,I returned after sometime,she was with her boss,I waited,well she knew I was there,maybe she did have something important,I don't know,she came out later,apologized,I said I can come any other day,she said it is ok,she was going to stay late,she did explain everything about what I came for,but any little bit away from the conversation was not responded,like I said I need your guidance to select a further course,not much response
I said I had been in shift duty for 15 years and I want to move on
Not much response either
I said thanks for your encouraging comment,a little smile and she said Yea you did good
So in my conclusion I did not think she was interested in a casual friendship either so that I could get to know my feelings
Situation today
I sm completely avoiding the person and yes I realised what kind of mess I was heading into
So I have started spending more time with my kids,
Over the time,I kept myself asking,close my eyes and see whom do you want?It is always my wife,never doubted that,
So later kept pondering why that girl,of all the people,I could come up with one reason,true or false I don't know,I never had any female friends,not in school,not in college,in workplace too we are male dominated company
She was right there,among all the gents,yes there are 2 other females working as long as I do,but they got familiar and not much talking to them either,and both are married to my colleagues
Over some days the feeling got reduced but still I have a fleeting hope that I may run into her,I once posted something smartass on the chat group we share so she could read,
So please help me understand,if these fleeting though after reduced urge to talk to her,these fleeting urges occur?
Today/a relapse
During all this, my wife has been a strong support for me. This actually makes me slap myself harder.
Today I was having my meals in the afternoon. I am not matching my time to see that person anymore. But somehow ended up seeing her. Then without realization, I sat there even I had finished to see if that person was looking at me. I don't know, what was I expecting, but I did. I feel ashamed for this. I did not even remind myself about the resolve of no contact.
I don't know how I am going to get out of this if ever.
Written by
sumeetthakur1981
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I understand. I am in a similar spot. But noticing that it's incredibly introspective and brave for you to address this head on, gives me hope that maybe I'm brave too. I have responded the same way by avoiding them when appropriate. Spending time with kids or other loved ones can help. I can't tell anyone which is incredibly lonely. I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone, but to me, it's almost like grieving a loss over a relationship that never existed. I know it sounds crazy, but truly that's how I feel. I think it will get better for us with time. Best wishes.
I think I might get it. She is literally the only single woman in your life that is co worker. And you live in a male dominated environment in a society that objectifies women. You are conditioned to mentally separate single women from married women. “But the other two are married “. This has nothing to do with her or your wife.
As a single woman in telecom 20 years ago I experienced being treated differently …like I somehow knew a “colleague “ lunch was out of the question with most of the guys. There were some exceptions but for the most part…Team lunches were it.
Start changing your mindset regarding women in the workplace or anywhere. Women don’t need or want to be treated differently. In this case you felt it okay to ask advice that isn’t part of her job,. Would you have asked a man in the same position for career advice? Ask yourself that question every time
No I would not have asked a man about that advice,the whole point of the conversation was to talk to her,to see how she responds. She was extremely professional and that was it.I never went out of the way to talk to her.After that I am maintaining the no contact resolve which I sort of lost some days before without even noticing.That actually scares me.I fear I am stuck in this misery loopThe person probably has sensed this because she did not even accept a connection even on Linkedin which is a professional platform
If I am correct that you're married with two kids...having a little distant crush happens after many years of marriage or a relationship once in a blue moon, but actively planning on taking it beyond that is cowardice. End your one relationship first...it's not fair to them and deviant and hurtful when they find out you have left the marriage emotionally for another. Then pursue another relationship.....there's nothing worse that being cheated on. As others may support you on this, that's their choice, I'm not the moral police, but I just don't believe in deceiving a partner to secretly pursue another relationship.
Thanks, believe me if I wanted to pursue this feeling I would not have posted the issue hereI absolutely want to get away from this,yes I made some mistakes to see her out of the way a few times but when I realised I was slipping I stopped it,only time I had this relapse of sorts was a few days back and even then I stopped myself
My concern is not to choose what I do but my thoughts,how do these thoughts keep coming up, especially about wanting reciprocation
And yes I am not cheating on,in fact I have confessed to my wife about this,she says it is just in my heads and thoughts,
I'm not judging you for having a crush.... and for the sake of you and your family situation you made the right choice....things get so messy and complicated and having an unrequited relationship outside the marriage is difficult, confusing, and heartbreaking.... so look at it for what it is... a fantasy.... not real, and unobtainable... eventually your reason will override the wanting..... the heart wants what the heart wants... so let the mind take over on the practicality that unrequited love is too painful. I hope you can find some peace with this.
I understand.... that's what a crush is.... it's just all in the mind....but it can be a powerful thing.... and your going to be okay, your doing all the right things.
She is married too but as you said,yes women are novelty but what set her apart was that the other two are married to coworkers The only thing I come up with when I ponder why in the world I sank into this,is the bus we commute to our office.I noticed her in the bus,that is how I started sinking
You have been a great help,just let me understand please,is this going to torture me forever
I even thought about quitting the job but what if this happens again,with someone else?
I can't sit at home hiding,one thing is sure,I am not going to do anything that will make my wife unhappy but why is that then these feelings keep coming back?
Here's the disconnect: "women are novelty". Women are not a novelty. If they are in your company i'm sorry to say but it is a bad company for anyone who is not cis male. I say this as a woman who has worked in an environment like that two decades ago and never, ever would again. It creates an environment that encourages bad and in the US anyway... illegal behavior. Whether you participate is irrelevant because you already are. that is what I have to say about the company you work for.
"is this going to torture me forever" As near as I can tell this isn't a crush. It is a desire to possess. Why else would you want to pursue someone (even mentally) who isn't interested? In a healthy relationship you want to be with someone who wants to be with you. not someone who doesn't want to even connect on LinkedIn. That isn't healthy. It isn't nice or respectful to her. Yes I think at this point quitting is a good idea. Then get some therapy to figure out why you treat women so poorly. Perhaps get a job at a company where they give women a seat at the table so you can see that no... women are not a novelty.
Perhaps my wording was wrong,I meant by novelty as rare,yes you are right,I should not treat them differently but I never had any female acquaintances,in workplace or educationI do not intend to pursue,I had this relapse of sorts when I expected reciprocation,which I know is immoral and that is why I seek your help
I am not going to cheat or do anything to make myself a fool
But I need to know one thing,does no contact therapy work?Will I get over this over the time?
Examine why you feel the need to possess another human with a therapist. I can't answer those questions. I didn't say "no contact therapy". You should quit because you are making her uncomfortable and it is honestly creepy. It isn't about you.
she is uncomfortable enough to ignore a LinkedIn invite. You seem only concerned with your feelings. A tell that this is a desire to possess something you can’t have. I am not comfortable for her. If you don’t quit I predict she will eventually quit because we all know the company would support you not her. That isn’t fair but I hope she finds an environment that will treat her with respect.
the title of your post is infatuation or limerence. Neither. It is about possession. Objects don’t respond. That’s how you treat her. I know you want kid gloves but I can’t accommodate as someone who has worked in male dominated environments most of her career. I tell you it is exhausting. I was making moves to leave the field entirely a few years ago and lucked out. It is almost always the men who are favored in a conflict which is probably why you don’t get the consequences of your actions.
I am 41 years old and crying,worrying continuously,I even cried like a baby would,hugging my father,believe me I intend to stay away from the person.I don't want her to be uncomfortable either. I completely stopped trying to bump into her but looks like my luck is not with me.I end up bumping into her. What makes me sad is that my anxiety peaks whenever I see her and it does not help when I notice she keeps glancing at me.Why,I don't know,maybe she wants to catch me staring at her,so she could file a case against me,I don't knowJust a day before I was strolling outside the premises and she came there.She kept glancing at me,I just blurted out a hello and she smiled.I know even strangers smile back when we say hello sir it is not much but my anxiety has peaked after that
You have been helpful to me so that is why I am venting out to you
Hey, at least you’re being honest. It’s funny how when you’re much younger you say all these beautiful wedding vows and you really mean them and I think sometimes people don’t totally realize how some of those can get tested. I think a lot of people in their forties do go through what I call mid life crisis time. I bet it’s when people are in their forties that you start to see situations happen that lead to divorce. I’m not sure what to say to you here. You have to figure out what is best for yourself.
Ur solution is already there & U did it & that is dedicate more time to ur family, take ur wife out for roti once a week & call it date night . Give the attention to ur wife with the same intensity that U paid to the other lady.
U haven't broken ur vows & keep it that way, so many people make that mistake as we now live in a society that means both parents may need to work to keep a roof over their family's head & pay for kids education too & we end spending far too much time with people at work. Then it's oh let's all go out for a drink or food & U spend even more time with others & that can mess a person up in the head as he or she sees someone notice them & smile at them, yet when they get home they're too tired to give that affection to their wife or husband. Deep down we all want belonging & that's when the wrong thing can happen.
So yaar give ur attention to ur family & ur affection to wife as love for kids is unconditional already.
I speak from experience , I was married 16.5 yrs & communication broke down & things happened & eventually we got divorced & I'm just happy as she didn't want to take on the kids so I did without a second thought.
Thanks sir,will definitely work on this,I just fear that I am stuck in this loop of thoughts,I am confident that I am not going to pursue this feelings but they still come back,that is what makes me scared
Don't even think what if as then it will remain in ur thoughts. So think family as that's Ur truth & focus there , ur kids & patthi. Be in that moment as they love U & they respect U too .
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